My father formed a grudge against me when I was 22 and didn't speak to me for 20 years. He wouldn't even let me into his house, so I had to see my mother at a local pub. There was no reasoning with him.
The grudge may be based on a complete misunderstanding of someone's words or actions, but they won't be corrected. They get some sort of emotional satisfaction from shutting the person out or refusing to treat them in a normal courteous fashion.
People are left out of wills in favour of the local dogs' home or some distant relative who is somehow seen as more deserving. People aren't invited to social gatherings or they're constantly abused and insulted behind their backs.
I've never held a grudge against anyone. Yes, there are people who've treated me badly or shunned me for no obvious reason, but I just put it down to "human error" and get on with my life. I don't want all that negative emotion festering away inside me.
Grudges can have such destructive consequences. From Putin having a long-standing grudge about the break-up of the Soviet Union to the next-door neighbour persisting with some convoluted boundary dispute to a local council hounding you for painting your door the wrong colour (this is currently happening to Miranda Dickson in Edinburgh).
There are plenty of people I could hold grudges against, but I'm just not going to waste my time and energy on them.
Nick, when.I married my Palestinian husband as a Jewish girl ,one of my then good friends wrote me a letter saying that I betrayed my community and I was a shame . She didn't attend our wedding to which she was invited . Her gift was her horrible letter.Believe me I have a grudge and will.keep.it until the end of my life. This woman lives nearby and changes the street walk when she sees me. May be I' m stupid to react like this ,.but I was really hurt.
ReplyDeleteHannah
Hannah: I can understand you being hurt enough to hold a serious grudge. As you know, it used to be the case here in NI that a Catholic-Protestant relationship could get you into big trouble.
DeleteIf the woman crosses the street, it's an active situation and by definition you can't hold a grudge when the situation is ongoing
DeleteSo right - a waste of time.
ReplyDeleteColette: Where does the grudge get you? It just warps your mind and your emotions.
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ReplyDeleteUrsula: Not sure what your point is. You seem to be saying that not holding a grudge can cause as much trouble as holding one.
DeleteMy apologies that I didn't make myself clear. It's complicated. In short, my inability to hold grudges and far too easily forgive (though not necessarily forget) I find myself not giving up on those I should relegate to the past - for my own good. That's what I mean when I say that even so-called virtues may have another side to the coin.
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Ursula: Ah, I see what you mean. As you say, not bearing a grudge can mean putting up with someone you should have abandoned. But I think that personally I'm good at pushing people away if they're a negative influence.
DeleteUrsula, forgiving is a strength and don't ever believe otherwise.
DeleteHaving said that, there comes a point when we must protect ourselves or our own. You will reach that point and when you do, you won't look back
I read somewhere that holding a grudge is like taking poison then expecting the other person to die.
ReplyDeleteLinda
Linda: A very wise comment. A grudge poisons your soul while probably having no effect on the other person.
DeleteI will never forgive my husband for his behaviour before he left
ReplyDeleteNick
I wish I was a better person
John: I don't know what that behaviour was, but clearly it was very upsetting.
DeleteIt's still pretty fresh, John. You don't need to be better, you need more healing
DeleteThat’s sad about your father’s grudge. My husband has an older sister that has had a grudge against him since the day he was born. She is not in our lives, thankfully.
ReplyDeleteBijoux: A grudge since the day he was born? That's crazy.
DeleteI can - eventually - forgive, but have the memory of an elephant for those who have tried to upset our lives. Not bothered to go after them...but they're not coming near us again.
ReplyDeleteFly: Why do some people set out to disrupt other people's lives? What on earth motivates them?
DeleteForming a grudge is a waste of time.
ReplyDeleteJoanne: Totally. But it gives some people a strange sort of kick.
DeleteI don't really hold grudges I don't think, but I only give one second chance to people if they do something that's really bad towards me. My dad was very abusive growing up but I overlooked all of that because he was my father and we had a civil relationship until he became abusive to me when I was an adult and I stopped talking to him for 10 years. Then when I found out that he stopped drinking I decided to give him a second chance and I started talking to him again and then a few years later he became very abusive and so did my stepmother so I cut them off again. I don't think that's holding a grudge I just think I don't want somebody in my life that's going to treat me badly.
ReplyDeleteMary: I agree, that's not holding a grudge, it's simply keeping away from people who've mistreated you. That's just preserving your own sanity and well-being.
DeleteI don't believe people set out to develop or keep a grudge but they can't get past the incident that bothered them.
ReplyDeletePeople who aren't well developed emotionally become very invested in ideas and take any disagreement personally
Kylie: You're right about people taking disagreement personally. And on top of that being utterly self-righteous about their own position.
DeleteThat poor woman with the pink front door - I wish they'd just leave her alone.
ReplyDeleteAnyhow, hmm.... I would be fibbing if I said that I don't hold grudges, but they are not for minor things. I don't do a lot about my grudges - I put them in a box on the shelf out of the way and after a deep breath I carry on.
Sx
Ms Scarlet: Putting your grudges in a box on the shelf sounds very sensible. Hopefully they just sit there and gather dust.
DeleteI agree, Nick, that holding a grudge for years does nothing but fester. Even when my ex-husband decided to leave, I was hurt but moved on and have been happy remarried for nearly 25 years. Sorry to read that you ad your father had such a long standing grudge.
ReplyDeleteBeatrice: Glad to know you moved on successfully and have had such a good remarriage. The less said about my father the better!
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