I don't say total honesty because there are always things you prefer to keep under wraps for very good reasons. I'd be surprised if there's any couple who're totally honest with each other at all times.
Jenny and I are very honest with each other about our thoughts and feelings, but some things we keep to ourselves. I won't say things that might cause her extreme embarrassment or offence, or things she simply wouldn't understand, or reveal intimate details about previous girlfriends.
I imagine Jenny keeps silent about similar things (substituting boyfriends for girlfriends).
That's the main reason I've never even considered having a secret lover. Keeping it secret would be an act of such total dishonesty I simply couldn't do it. Likewise I couldn't be secretly addicted to gambling or alcohol or drugs.
Of course there are situations when tact demands that total honesty be ruled out, like when one of us buys a new item of clothing and wants the other to compliment us on our choice. There's no way we'd say it was hideous (well, only if it was truly ghastly).
On the rare occasion that I've been dishonest and kept something important from Jenny, I've always regretted it afterwards and wondered why I kept it from her. I guess I was simply scared of her possible reaction.
Apart from anything else, it's hard work keeping a big secret for weeks or months on end. It's much easier to spill the beans and have done with it.
I'm a blabbermouth at home, you'd always know what was bothering me.
ReplyDeleteI might keep quiet about a medical concern though - why worry someone else until it's definitely something worth worrying about!
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Ms Scarlet: I would tell Jenny straightaway if I heard I had a serious medical condition. Apart from anything else, she would want to support me.
DeleteI’ve always believed honesty is the best policy, but my spouse isn’t always a fan of my ‘brutal honesty,’ as he calls it.
ReplyDeleteBijoux: I've always liked your "brutal honesty" as he puts it (though maybe you tone it down a bit for your blogmates?
DeleteNick, I do not understand what you mean exactly by "being honest".why, when , about what. ? I am a "secret garden" lover and I know that my husband still loves to discover a new side of my personnality. We are married for 50 years and navigated quite well together.
ReplyDeleteHannah
Hannah: Why, when and what? The answer is everything, no matter how awkward or shocking. I agree about discovering a new side of our personalities. Jenny can still surprise me with something I never knew.
DeleteI am not good at intimate relationships. Except once and even then (I wrote a book about it). My distrust is rampant as to reveal all would be to get hurt. I envy those who can trust so deeply but have been, many times, shocked at what they disclose to me and never revealed to their SO's even though declaring it a perfect honest relationship. H'm.
ReplyDeleteXO
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www: I doubt if those who say they have a perfect honest relationship really do. With the best will in the world, there are always things that you don't want to bring into the open.
DeleteMary says: "Ken and I were together for 30 years before he passed away and I think that we were very honest with each other, knew each other really well because we were so honest with each other. Being able to communicate honestly is very helpful in keeping a relationship alive."
ReplyDeleteMary: I've always had that impression that you're a very honest person, that you don't like to skirt around things. It sounds like you and Ken were really very close.
DeleteNo one is more able to help me than Leo and vice versa, so no point in obfuscation.
ReplyDeleteFly: That makes sense.
DeleteHonesty is the best policy. It ended my marriage, but has served me well since.
ReplyDeleteJoanne: Glad to know honesty has born fruit.
DeleteThere is honesty and there is honesty. And what constitutes "a secret"?
ReplyDeleteI do not believe we should dump ourselves on others in order to relieve ourselves (your last sentence). Go to confession instead - Rosary and ten Hail Marys in hand. And no, I am not Catholic, neither do I need to be forgiven. I can live with my "sins" in the privacy of my own company.
Like with so many things in life you have to weigh cost/benefit. And sometimes it benefits all parties to keep your mouth shut and yourself to yourself.
There are people who have an insane need to "share", not just themselves - but what they "know" about others. The damage can be colossal, the cost high.
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Ursula: I never said anything about dumping ourselves on others. And I did say that there are still things best not talked about. Of course an obsessive desire to share can be damaging, I'm not saying we should all splurge every last detail of our personal lives.
DeleteAfterthought, Nick, just came to me. There are, other side of the coin, those people who will ask you too many questions about the life before them. The tiniest detail. Seriously? I dare say it's more of a female thing. One hell of a red flag. The other? "What are you thinking about?" Oh dear. Nothing? Or, maybe: Absurdity.
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Ursula: "Too many questions about the life before them"? I don't understand what you mean.
DeleteMy brother has been married five times, yes five and he's 2 years younger than me. I've always told him that the reason his relationships didn't work out is because he and his spouse were not honest with each other, and didn't communicate very well at all. Honesty especially in a relationship is what's going to make things work better.
ReplyDeleteMary: Married five times, that's crazy! Your advice seems very sensible but presumably he has never changed his ways. I think an awful lot of men aren't honest enough with their partners.
DeleteI was at a wedding where the bride and groom promised to tell each other absolutely everything. That struck me as foolish. Honest yes but as you say some things aren't meant to be shared.
ReplyDeleteLiz: A very unwise promise. Yes, some things simply can't be shared, for very good reasons.
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