All sorts of fancy theories are floated, like "toxic masculinity", gender roles, being too self-contained, and not doing enough to strengthen friendships.
Is it really that complicated? I think it's all very simple. A lot of men are afraid of emotions and afraid of intimacy. They think that if they show their emotions or anything too personal, there could be awful consequences.
And mostly that fear develops in childhood, when you realise that your father is afraid of expressing his emotions. And it develops because boys tease any boy who isn't masculine enough and looks a bit too "effeminate". And it develops because of the idea that men should always be tough and strong and resilient and shouldn't show any sign of weakness.
I've tried quite a few times to befriend other men, but invariably it fails because we can never get beyond a certain psychological barrier that keeps any deeper feelings or revelations from exposure.
I think men are more sensitive to their public image than women. They see themselves as phlegmatic, practical, matter-of-fact, and emotions are seen as something unpredictable and messy that undermines that gritty self-image. I know, idiotic isn't it?
Emotions are an important part of anyone's personality. Trying to keep them hidden is not only hard work but is a losing battle. Sooner or later those emotions will slip out.
I have no emotional problems making friends with males. I have many friends all over the world and I am sure that they are as comfortable with the relationship as I am.
ReplyDeleteRamana: Good to know you have no such problems.
DeleteIt’s definitely something that’s ingrained in childhood.
ReplyDeleteBijoux: It is. Boys just aren't encouraged to express their feelings in the same way as girls.
DeleteGender is such an artificial construct that it impacts men in a terrible isolating way. I won't get into the "little princess" thing which effects female children. Males are not raised to be nurturing as that's only for sissies. Two of my brothers have done a lot of work on themselves to break that lonely and isolating manly persona. I have deep friendships with men but I don't think they have deep friendships with other men as I do with women.
ReplyDeleteWe should abolish gender completely and it's terrible hold on our young.
XO
WWW
www: Amen to that. Interesting that your brothers have done a lot of work to overcome that restricting male persona.
DeleteMen are allowed only one emotion--anger. That makes for an uncomfortable world.
ReplyDeleteAnon: Very true. The only emotion my father ever showed freely was anger. Everything else was hidden or shown "furtively".
DeleteI did not realize until after their deaths that either of my brothers had "good" male friends. I doubt they did more than shake hands.
ReplyDeleteJoanne: How very sad. My brother-in-law never does more than shake hands. I think he's very suspicious of male "friendship". He wonders what it might "lead to".
DeleteI think your perspective is pretty close to the truth for many males. For centuries/generations society has created some of these emotional differences between males and females with each thought to have different rolls. Maybe it all started way back when men had to be the fierce protectors of their women living in the cave. I always think, too, genetics and hormones enter into the picture along with how we socialize our boys. There might be something to be said for less intimacy as an emotionally protective device for the men who were generally the ones sent off to fight in wars and had to stay mentally strong despite the horrors around them and atrocities to buddies. Yet it sometimes seems that environment sometimes creates a deeper sense of intimacy between those men when I listen to how some describe their relationships as they all face death together.
ReplyDeleteJoared: I guess war is just the sort of highly emotional situation which would bind men together. If only they could recreate that emotional intimacy in ordinary life instead of finding it on the battlefield.
ReplyDeleteMy dad used to try to hide his emotions, but they's always spill out one way or another. He wasn't open to changing - was such a shame.
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Ms Scarlet: My father wasn't open to change either. He seemed to think anger was the answer to any difficult situation.
DeleteI have no comment not being male. I wonder if some has to do with having a "stiff upper lip". I know I try not to show feelings in public and with family members I need to have a strong presence with for their security.
ReplyDeleteI have to say my father was a tough man. At his wake, one of his friends liked the picture of him that was placed in the paper because it showed he was a fighter which was not how I saw him. All in all, I felt a lot of love from my father. One of my favorite pictures of him is with a cat in the house. As a child, it was get that damn animal out of the house.
Ann: Yes, the stiff upper lip is still in evidence, though nowadays it's called "being cool" or "being a laid-back guy". And I think men are still expected to be tough, meaning they take things in their stride, they don't make a big fuss about anything.
DeleteI suspect that men tend to leave a lot of things unspoken and support each other by being present.
ReplyDeleteObviously that's a limited kind of relationship but it can work. My most supportive friends make jokes, send memes and invite me for lunch when i'm struggling without me ever having to "spill my guts"
Kylie: You obviously have a lot of good friendships that aren't hampered by masculine reticence. If only men could shake off this totally unhelpful habit.
DeleteI think we should be well past the macho BS. The men in my life seem fine with being friends with other males. Often saying love you man, so in my world I'm not sure I see the problem. However in the news, particularly with the far right who want to keep woman out of powerful positions, at home, pregnant in the kitchen. I think they preceive that makes them more macho. I also don't understand woman who also buy into being subservant to their spouses instead of having a mutual adult equal relationship.
ReplyDeleteSandy: I'd like to think macho bullshit was a thing of the past, but I fear it's still around. And are those men really close friends or is the friendship still somewhat superficial? Like you, I don't understand those women who like to be subservient.
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