I feel sorry for those women who can't trust their men an inch - who're never sure where they are or what they're doing, and always suspect they're up to something disturbing or illegal or shameful. They're forever on tenterhooks, wondering what fresh embarrassments are on the way (I guess there are also men who can't trust their women but far fewer of them).
Jenny and I have complete trust in each other. We don't dread finding out something shocking about the other person.
Jenny knows I'm not going to raid our savings and disappear into the night, or develop some insatiable addiction to gambling or alcohol or drugs or porn, or burn the house down, or wreck the car, or run off with a buxom blonde twenty years younger, or live in a cave seeking spiritual enlightenment, or smash windows in Whitehall, or join the British National Front.
She knows I value her company and won't be down the pub every evening with my mates, discussing football, making misogynist jokes, ranting about immigrants, getting blind drunk, and then heaving a sigh and saying "Oh well, I suppose I'd better be getting back to the old ball and chain."
I guess there are women who've lost all trust in their men but stick with them anyhow, rather than start afresh with a new partner who might turn out to be equally untrustworthy. After all, could they ever trust a man again?
It's very easy to destroy trust and very hard to rebuild it.
People can make a lot of poor choices in life, but picking the wrong partner might be at the top of the list.
ReplyDeleteBijoux: Unfortunately you can't always be sure someone is the right partner until you've lived with them for a while. Some people are good at hiding their true nature.
DeleteLike Jenny and you, Urmeela and I had a great married life for forty years based on trust. That trust was based on having known each other for eight years before the marriage and being aware of each other's activities during those eight years.
ReplyDeleteEven without such earlier friendships, most successful marriages are built on total trust. When such trust is found to be misplaced, inevitable separation follows.
Ramana: Jenny and I cohabited for 14 years, so we knew each other's character very well by the time we married. Unpleasant surprises were most unlikely.
DeleteWe'd known each other for a while before getting together, so the surprises were minimal. Awful to be living with someone you cannot trust, especially if you have dependents.
ReplyDeleteFly: Why is it more of a problem if there are dependents?
DeleteOn your own you might get out, but if you have dependents then it is more of a problem.
DeleteFly: Of course, I see what you mean. My mum was considering divorce at one point, but she had us two kids to think about.
DeleteKen and I had a really trusting relationship. We were together for 30 years and I think it takes time to trust someone the way we trusted each other.
ReplyDeleteMary: As far as I remember, Jenny and I trusted each other fairly early on. But yes, I also think trust increases over time.
DeleteI would hate to be in a relationship with any of those traits you have mentioned.
ReplyDeletePolly: It's awful to think some people have to deal with these traits day after day.
DeleteDave and I had dated for two years before we got married but we were still only 19 when we married. We had to trust one another to grow into full-fledged adults within the marriage. I'm so glad that trust paid off. We've now been married almost 55 years and still like one another.
ReplyDeleteLinda: Still liking each other after 55 years (57 years even) is wonderful. You obviously made the right choice of partner!
DeleteI think Linda hit on what it was for me.
ReplyDeleteBob and I were deeply in love. but more than that... we genuinely LIKED each other! it's a strong basis for any relationship but especially a marriage. we would have loved growing old together. life has other plans.
but I have wonderful memories! xo
Tammy: I can't imagine how you could love someone without liking them. Does not compute!
DeleteWomen are less likely to be able to afford to start again - and yes, even more difficult if children are involved.
ReplyDeleteYou should always marry your best friend!
Sx
Ms Scarlet: As I said to Fly, my mum was contemplating divorce at one point, but she had us two kids to think about. And Jenny is definitely my best friend!
DeleteAt times I shake my head at the poor choices people make in a life partner. I think, like your mother, the only option is to stay. I know my own mother was unhappy but dependency is a key component in having no other option but to grit the teeth. My mother always encouraged me to have financial independence and limit the number of children I had. So I could make the break, unforeseen, from my marriage.
ReplyDeleteBut unfortunately we tend to model our partner choices on what is "familiar" - i.e. our own childhoods, and I see that work out in family patterns in my own family.
XO
WWW
www: Good for your mother, encouraging you to be able to make the break if necessary. And as you say, some people do pick the oddest and most unlikely partners. You wonder how on earth they stay together.
DeleteTrust is definitely important and so much easier to break than to build.
ReplyDeleteDanielle: It certainly is. Once someone has done something totally unexpected, you'll be waiting for the next thing to hit you.
DeleteAre you an alien or still a human. Being so perfect starts nearly to get boring . You cannot surprise her and she cannot surprise you ! And how do you know that there will never be a situation that you will not control like falling in love ? Why give the stupid example of a blonde woman and twenty years younger ?
ReplyDeleteLou: Well, you certainly go in for frank opinions! Yes, it just so happens that I've never fallen hopelessly for someone else. And yes, it might happen tomorrow. And yes, it wouldn't necessarily be a middle-aged blonde. Al I can say is, if it's going to happen, there's not much time left!
DeleteI very much like your answer. Have a nice day. I have a neighbour who divorced at 79 and re- married at 82 a woman of 85. I see them walk along hand in hand every day.
DeleteLou: That's really lovely. I'm very happy for them. I hope Jenny and I are still so enamoured in our advanced old age.
DeleteYou surely will. You seem to be a lovely couple. Good luck to you.
DeleteThanks, Lou. Good luck to you too.
DeleteMy husband and I trust each other in all areas and there has never been any concerns about infidelity, finances or other matters. That is not to say we have not and do not disagree on things because no partnership is without give and take.
ReplyDeleteBeatrice: Likewise, we have plenty of disagreements but they're always resolved amicably.
DeleteI can answer this one as a shrink - there are LOADS of both men and women who can't trust their partners. It is definitely not gender-specific. Men and women cheat. Men and women develop addictions. Men and women are dishonest in relationships in a myriad of ways. And there are both men and women who stay in relationships with someone they don't particularly trust for a wide variety of reasons. We humans are complicated creatures.
ReplyDeleteAgent: Intriguing to know that women can be just as untrustworthy as men, despite the popular stereotypes of unreliable men. And yes, there are certainly plenty of women who stick by quite appalling men, as we can see in the media every day.
DeleteI can't imagine being happy in or wanting to remain in a relationship where there isn't trust of one another. If trust ever comes into question I think it's critical the individuals bring the matter into the open for discussion. What can occur otherwise is an individual can gunnysack issues that is trust destroying also.
ReplyDeleteJoared: It would just be miserable if Jenny and I couldn't trust each other. All the time we'd be wondering what the other person was up to, always suspecting the worst.
DeleteGunnysack? Not a word I'm familiar with.
"an alienating fight tactic in which a person saves up, or gunnysacks, grievances until the sack gets too heavy and bursts, and old hostilities pour out'."
DeleteJoared: That's a very useful concept. I must use it at the earliest opportunity!
Delete