Friday 4 September 2020

No tiny feet

Jenny and I decided very early on that we didn't want children. Lots of our friends and acquaint-ances were having children and they seemed happy enough with their choice, but it wasn't for us.

We just never had the urge. There may be many men and women who're naturally broody and simply can't wait for the patter of tiny feet, but we never felt like that. We had other priorities.

We've always been content as just the two of us, and didn't want a couple of kids possibly complicating our relationship. And we never woke up one middle-aged morning thinking, oh my god we should have had kids, and now it's too late.

There were other factors of course. My parents did a pretty clumsy job of bringing up us kids, and I didn't think I'd be any better than them. Why not leave parenting to those who have an obvious gift for it?

I think both childless couples and couples with children are somewhat baffled by each other's choices. The former think, what's the big attraction of spending twenty years bringing up unruly kids and never having any peace and quiet? The latter think, they don't know what they're missing, there's nothing like it, it's a unique experience.

Childless couples are still accused by some of being selfish, of not helping to raise the next generation. Well, we may not have children but we're paying for other people's children - their healthcare, their education, the libraries they use. So I think we're doing our bit.

No patter of tiny feet for us. Only the tiny paws of trespassing cats.

37 comments:

  1. The older I got the more I wanted them

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    1. John: That's a shame. But you do have all your furry friends!

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  2. It’s been our greatest joy shared asa couple. Well, until the grand babies came along!

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    1. Bijoux: And it sounds like you're a very good parent.

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  3. Thank your lucky stars, Nick, that both you and Jenny were on the same page from the start. Nothing worse than when one becomes broody, and the other doesn't.

    I am the eldest of four siblings - and they are considerably younger than me. So, to any psychologist's delight I am that rare creature of once an "only" to metamorphose into an "eldest" (with all the responsibility that entails). HA! First the delight of solitude, then delight of all your treasures being appropriated by the "kids" (as my mother and I call them to this day). Never mind, I loved my two sisters and my brother. What's mine is theirs.

    Having been my mother's right hand, for a long time I thought I'd had "my" family. And then, out of the blue, I was like the devil possessed in the grip of my biology. And thus it came to pass that one of the most wonderful human beings (and he is) has enriched my life beyond anything one can reasonably expect.

    However, I do NOT encourage procreation. For many reasons. Not least for the sake of children as yet unborn.

    Ignore the "selfish" argument laid at the doorstep of the childless. It's bull.

    U

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  4. Same here, Nick, I never heard the biological clock ticking and thought better of having kids just because that's what everybody else did.
    It's not selfish not to want children - if you don't have the yen for them then you don't, do you? Plus, we are being extremely environmentally friendly by keeping our genes to ourselves!!
    Sx

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    1. Ms Scarlet: Yes, we never heard any biological clock. Maybe the battery was dead? :-)

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  5. There are two other categories. Parents who want to have children but cannot have and parents who want more than just one child but who cannot due to medical reasons. I fall into the latter category. My late wife and I however overcame our regret that we could not have another child and in retrospect, perhaps it all turned out for the better as we could do a much better job of bringing up one child.

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    1. Ramana: My sister had a miscarriage and then a daughter. She wanted a second child but for some reason it never happened. It's very sad when a couple desperately wants children but a medical condition makes it impossible.

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  6. I think it was a very old Ann Lander survey who asked parents of adult children if they'd do it all over again and the majority answered "No" so take that as you will.

    I come from the mixed bag school, most of my closest friends opted not to have children.

    I have one child devoted to me, the other estranged from everyone, living in the UK now. Which breaks my heart.

    But no I wouldn't trade either of them, even though we had awfully rough challenging times.

    XO
    WWW

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    1. www: I know a large number of parents have misgivings about bringing up children. What's tragic is when children are aware of those misgivings and feel like an unwanted child.

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  7. There was never any question about it for us. Our oldest was born about 9 months after we got married and our youngest 2 3/4 years later.

    The oldest and her significant other decided to not have kids and that was one of the best decisions they ever made. Now she is very successful as the childrens librarian at our local county library. Go figure.

    Our youngest and her husband had a boy and then moved away. Three year later, they had a daughter. He is 20 and she is 17 and we've been lucky to see them one or two times a year. He's now in the army, just back from a year-long deployment in the UAE. Our daughter, son-in-law and granddaughter have moved from Wisconsin to California and, with this pandemic, who knows when we'll get to see them. Thank goodness for social media and modern smartphones for keeping in touch.

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    1. Mike: That's a blow, only seeing them once or twice a year. And California is a long way from Wisconsin - over 2000 miles. As you say, at least you can keep in touch through the internet.

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    2. ... and we live in Arkansas, so it was a long ways when they lived in Wisconsin (about 13 hours drive), but it's even further now; 1600 miles away (23 hours). The funny thing is we get on an interstate highway just a few miles from where we live and drive almost the whole distance on that to within just a few miles of their apartment. In recent years we have traveled in the mountains and deserts out west, but never California, so some of our preferred areas to visit will be along the way. Last year we were only about 250 miles from where they now live before we started heading back east.

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    3. Mike: 1600 miles is a hell of a distance. The entire distance across Northern Ireland is about 100 miles! Do you not consider flying?

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    4. I'm sure we will fly at some point. However, we usually take one or two trips each year that are a month or two in duration in our 25 ft motorhome (towing our car) so rolling a visiting out there into one of those trips would be natural.

      Believe it or not, the last time I was on a plane was in 2002 coming back from an Alaskan cruise, if I recall correctly. I don't have anything against flying. Even when I was traveling occasionally for business, we would sometimes combine the business with a road trip vacation.

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  8. Give me dogs any day. You have kids when you can least afford them, they eat up your resources from day one, both financially and physically...and all that so that you reproduce yourselves? I like the company of kids but have no wish to be responsible for their existence.

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    1. Fly: True, people usually have children when they're still struggling financially. That was certainly the case with my parents. It was many years before they became "well off".

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  9. I always wanted kids - but I applaud your decision not to. I know a few older couples who do not have children and one thing I notice is they share a very close relationship. To each his own. My 2nd husband and I do not have children with each other and is probably why we have such a good relationship/marriage. He has his 2 daughters and I have my 3 sons. We're done.

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    1. Debby: That's interesting that the older childless couples seem to have a closer relationship. J and I are certainly very close.

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  10. I think it's a wise decision to stick with, once made.

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    1. Joanne: We've never at any point seriously considered having kids.

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  11. When our daughter, an only child, expressed concern that if she chose to be child-free I would never have grandchildren I was quick to respond, "Don't put the responsibility of that decision on me!" She chose to not have kids and that was absolutely the right decision for her. Plus, given the way the world is going I'm actually relieved to not have grandchildren.

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    1. Linda: Indeed, her decision, not yours! Yes, I shudder to think how the younger generation are going to cope with so many worsening global problems.

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  12. We have one daughter and that has worked out fine. We're very close and have long telephone conversations every Saturday night. They have usually come to visit around the Fourth of July and around the end of the year. They mostly drive so the grandpups can enjoy the land. When they lived in the Chicago area it took two long days of driving to get here, but they've moved to Massachusetts so now it's over 2200 miles and over 41 hours of driving. It's going to be a mess even if COVID-19 restrictions get relaxed. They had to skip the July visit this year, but haven't completely given up on the idea of coming out this winter. It's mess, but thank goodness for email and phone calls.

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    1. Jean: Goodness, over 2200 miles, that's another amazingly long journey. They must be exhausted by the time they reach you! As I said to Mike, have they considered flying?

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  13. If I had truly understood what I was taking on when I had kids, I might not have done it but having come out the other side (you're never truly on the other side though) I would do it all again. Not a moments hesitation.
    That doesn't mean I think everyone should have kids, and everyone most certainly shouldn't have four!
    Before I was a parent I felt my life was meaningful but after i had them I wondered what I did before them, it's just a whole different level of everything: meaning, worry, frustration, joy.....

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    1. Kylie: I'm sure having children must radically change your whole outlook on life. Glad to know you would do it all again!

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  14. We had one daughter and I knew that's all I wanted. Now we have a grandson and I'm happy with that as well.My parents wanted grandkids so I felt pressured to have some but one was enough for me. lol My brother had 5 kids so they got their grandkids.

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    1. Mary: A lot of parents are keen to have grandkids and put a bit of pressure on their children. My parents had one grandchild through my sister and that was it.

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  15. Though births not planned I’ve been pleased to have my children. Birth control meds were just beginning to come into use. Children do add a different dimension to a marriage relationship with its pros and cons but that's to be expected. Especially since my husband died my adult children are uniquely treasured though they live across the continent from me and have their own quite independent lives as they should. There’s a certain comfort in knowing we all have each other even if no one else cares.

    Probably determining whether or not we desire having children is important though my husband and I hadn't discussed the matter. Deciding if I wanted to commit to marriage which could alter my life plans was more on my mind — having children was an occupational hazard i thought half seriously to myself. Children are so much more than their less desirable behaviors as they learn how to live in this world. Helps if we remember thats what they're doing and can provide a lot of private humor their parents can share with each other. I don't think experience in our birth family necessarily dictates how we’ll be as parents since we have the ability to make our own path, even correct some of the mistakes we’ve observed in adults in our lives as we were growing up.

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  16. Joared: Some interesting thoughts there. "Children are so much more than their less desirable behaviors" - yes, I'm sure that's true. I guess it's also true that to some extent parents can correct the mistakes made by their own parents. Those mistakes can be very ingrained though!

    Also interesting that you thought getting married was a bigger issue than having children.

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    1. Yes, for me the expressed concern was, given the fifties, early sixties cultural attitudes toward women/wives, i was concerned I didn’t give up my independence.

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  17. My husband and I come from families with 5 children. Not having children ever crossed our minds. We weren't perfect parents, for sure, but we love our children and parenting. Having gr-kids is the best.

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    1. Susan: A lot of people dote on their grandkids! Good to hear parenting worked out well for you.

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  18. With the world population being what it is, I would never ever criticise people who did not want kids.

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    1. Jenny: Indeed, the world population is now way way above what we can comfortably sustain without totally ruining the planet.

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