After Tony Williams, from Alton in Hampshire, lost his wife Jo to pancreatic cancer in May, he says it was "unbearable torture" living without her. In desperation he put a poster in his window saying he had no one to talk to and couldn't stand the unremitting silence. "Can no one help me?" it ended.
His story went all around the world and led to a tsunami of emails, calls, letters and gifts. He was overwhelmed by the widespread sincerity and empathy they displayed. "These people really feel my loneliness as their own grief and sometimes I've been reduced to tears."
Tony has had help and support from neighbours and does have some family, but doesn't see them regularly. Messages have come from as far away as the USA, Canada, Australia, the Middle East, Spain and Iceland.
When asked what his advice would be to other elderly people in a similar position, he said "My advice is to do as I've done. Not necessarily in the same way - but you have to somehow go out and meet people."
There's an awful lot of people in the same situation, feeling dreadfully lonely but not sure what to do about it.
What happened to Tony shows there's an enormous amount of goodwill and kindness out there, as soon as people voice the need for it.
Anyone who's known unshakable loneliness will be ready to help Tony reconnect with the outside world.
Pic: Tony Williams, his wife Jo and poster
I like to believe that there’s a silent majority of good people in this world. And the reality is that those who are helping get just as much back in satisfaction. I’m sure there’s a scientific reason for that, like endorphins.
ReplyDeleteBijoux: I think you're right about the silent majority of good people. But the media give us a false impression by focusing on all the arseholes.
DeleteI like to think even with all the chaos and horrible things happening... that people are basically GOOD.
ReplyDeletethis was heartwarming. I hope he has found respite from his grief and that it takes hold and he finds life worth living again even if in a different way than before.
Tammy: Yes, hopefully he'll make some new close friends and find life is worth living again.
DeleteGood for him for reaching out. And bless the good things about the internet.
ReplyDeleteJean: I'm not sure from the coverage whether he uses the internet or not. I think the story was spread mainly by the mainstream media.
DeleteI'm glad it went so well for him...I think most people are basically good and it is nice when that makes the news for once.
ReplyDeleteFly: As you say, it's nice when it's the decent people making the news and not the tearaways and delinquents.
DeleteI'm glad this guy's attempt to reach out worked for him.
ReplyDeleteI know that if I ever lose Dave I will have to fight my introversion and go out there at least some. I'm glad I live in a place that provides lots of opportunity to do that. I even started doing just a tiny bit of it last week.
Linda: As another introvert, I'd have the same trouble. I'm not good at chatting people up.
DeleteBut still, look at this. He passed out info at the super market. He placed ads. He found no one to talk to him. Then media picked it up and endorsed his story, and he had the company he sought. He had to get lucky. As I say, more old people die of loneliness every day than any other cause. Call you mother. Not you Nick. We've had this talk before.
ReplyDeleteJoanne: Not quite sure what you're getting at! He certainly got lucky, as you say. His initial attempts to get some company were largely ignored.
DeleteYes, Joanne, "old people die of loneliness". Which is why this Corona shite (ref care homes and relatives being kept out "inmates" kept in) is cruel cruel cruel - and them some. It's not the virus's fault - unlike humans a virus has no mal-intent. It just is what it is.
DeleteIt's policies - like the ludicrous keeping people "safe". Safe from what? The dementia patient wilting because their spouse/offspring/friend isn't allowed to see them, hold their hand? That's "safe"? It is shameful.
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Nick, hi, loss is the human condition. And, sometimes, even if you are embedded in close knit family and friends, your grief is your grief. Yours and yours only.
ReplyDeleteAs to the story you relate above: I think the guy's use of "unbearable" pathetic. Humans bear far worse than losing a spouse to death. Having said that, should my father die before my mother (unlikely) I dare say she'll wilt and follow him to the grave within weeks. To me that is not a sign of love. Forgive me for saying so, it's a sign of weakness. But then what do I know. I have never been lonely in my life. Not once. Even when on my own.
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Ursula: I note your total lack of sympathy for someone who was emotionally bereft. Just because his distress doesn't make sense to you, doesn't mean he's hamming it up. And weakness isn't a personal failing.
Delete"Lack of empathy"? Me? You've got to be joking. I am empathy on legs. Silently weeping (and working) on other people's behalf. Fat load of good that does. Pathetic in itself trying to make a dent.
DeleteI agree with you, "weakness in not a failing". It is what it is.
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There are far more people who are kind in the world than media would have us believe. Still, grief is a process and there is no walking around it, one has to walk through it to heal.
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www: Indeed. Grief is something you have to travel through somehow. For some it's a relatively short journey, for others it can be a life-long wound.
DeleteI love that this had such a nice ending.
ReplyDeleteMary: I know, it's a refreshing change from all the usual doom and gloom and scare-mongering.
DeleteMost people are empathetic and would even go out of their way to provide company to lonely people if they know about the problem. The problem often is that they do not know that there is a problem of loneliness because the lonely person does not convey that to others. If I had had Tony as a neighbour, after the first few days of mourning I would leave him alone to be with his grief and will not take the initiative to go back to be with him on the assumption that he should be left alone. If however he starts going out and meeting people or making phone calls, I would be among the first to provide company and cheer for him.
ReplyDeleteRamana: That's true, you might not know a person is lonely unless they tell other people. You might think they're perfectly happy being on their own. As you say, most people would be sympathetic to a cry for help from someone who is floundering.
DeletePoor chap, I’m pleased there was a happy ending - he should start blogging!
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Ms Scarlet: Indeed, blogging could get him lots of new friends. Though I think what he wants is a good friend who lives "just round the corner".
Deleteinteresting that the socialization he desired wasn't offered despite his efforts until the media told his story. A common thread i’ve found with many elder widows and widowers is they often have difficulty establishing new circles of friends when their loved ones die. Friends and family may have died or moved away during the person’s caregiving years when they may have been unable to nourish their relationships with others. Then they are alone. Often even becoming involved in various senior interest groups does not always offer an opportunity to find new friends for a variety of reasons they’ve reported.
ReplyDeleteAfter a lifetime overflowing with family and friends I’ve found some of this true for me, too, in ways that weren't true before I became an elder. Old friends for most frequently move away, may become incapacitated, and/or die. Not every older person requires a lot of social interaction with others to feel content or entertain them so we each have to assess our needs, then strive to meet them as he did his.
Joared: I think making new friends towards the end of your life is always difficult. Some people manage it, others don't. And as you say, some people are happy to be on their own while others crave company and get very dejected when they can't find it.
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