Falling in love was easy enough. We took a shine to each other the moment we met and that has never faded. But for me living together was a major commitment that might or might not have worked out.
I had had affairs with several other women and the first question that always came to mind was, could we live together harmoniously or would we wind up clawing each other to pieces? I rather suspected it would be the second.
So although Jenny was keen to live with me very early on, it took a fair bit of persuading for me to agree to give it a try. I had to swallow the possibility that we might be driven crazy by each other's infuriating habits and tastes and end up calling it a day.
After all, I had lived on my own for 6½ years and got used to my own company. How would I adjust to suddenly living with someone else, someone I still knew very little about and might be the totally impossible flatmate from hell? It was a big leap in the dark, but one I took because in the end it felt like the right thing to do.
Needless to say, in the early days of cohabiting we had plenty of squabbles and bones of contention, but we discovered our relationship was solid enough to survive them without falling apart. And 39 years later, we still have squabbles and bones of contention and we still settle them amicably.
Far from driving each other nuts, we've nourished each other in a thousand different ways.
I married at twenty and although a knew marriage was a big commitment, I was so young and such a romantic that I really had no imaginings of any of those irritations that can hobble a relationship.
ReplyDeleteThese days though, I understand your hesitance. The idea of that level of intimacy is terrifying.
Taking the leap served you well. Bravery has its rewards
Kylie: At the age of 34, when we met, I was a lot more aware of the possible pitfalls than I'd been a decade or so earlier. Which partly explains my hesitation.
DeleteGood for you and Jenny, I have tried a few times but basically I realized several years ago now that I am best living alone. And overcrowded house when I was growing up had a lot to do with it, I believe. I would escape whenever I could to secluded places. Even now, dining with good friends or coffee meets, I look forward to being by myself afterwards.
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WWW
www: Yes, some people might thrive in a perpetually bustling household, but others like you prefer something quieter. I know what you mean about looking forward to being by oneself again!
DeleteInitial problems tend to go away as it did for me and for the two of you. I had a great forty year long married life and it took me quite a while to learn to live without my late wife. I congratulate the two of you and wish you many more years of togetherness.
ReplyDeleteRamana: Indeed, our relationship gradually settled down into something familiar and cosy and mutually beneficial. Thank you for the good wishes!
DeleteA lot depends on tolerance and willingness to adjust, both of which come relatively easy with the right person.
ReplyDeleteWhich is not to say that all is peace and light in our household, but the storms soon die down.
Fly: Tolerance and willingness to adjust are very important. And just give and take in general. If one of you constantly refuses to budge an inch, the relationship is doomed.
DeleteIt's definitely a leap of faith with long-term relationships. Though I don't think most people's personality changes, their wants and needs often change and there lies the future disputes.
ReplyDeleteBijoux: True, wants and needs can change quite radically. If they change too much, or in a way the other person dislikes, then the relationship can be in trouble.
DeleteI remained head over heels in love the whole 17 years Bob and I were together. I think I matured late in many ways and I wish that he could have known my more mature self! I wasn't much past 18 when we met. we married when I was 19. and being 10 years older he must have often felt like he was raising a teenager!
ReplyDeleteI suppose he was. but it was good. and I think if he'd lived we would have stood the test of time.
because we also had a great FRIENDSHIP! that's the real key perhaps. that and laughter. we loved to laugh at things. I've called it the magic glue.
I'm glad to know you and Jenny! xo
Tammy: I agree, a relationship that's also a friendship is more likely to last. I was a bit of a late developer myself - I dread to think what a mess I'd have made of things if I'd married at 19!
DeleteNot sure I could trust another man so completely again nick
ReplyDeleteJohn: I don't blame you, after the huge disappointment of your marriage break-up.
DeleteDave and I met at age 17 and married at age 19. It was hard with us growing up at different rates. But now, in our early 70s we know it was all worth it. We laugh together several times a day--it helps a lot to have the same sense of humor. All that history together is wonderful as well. Sure glad we were stupid enough to marry way back then. :)
ReplyDeleteLinda: A shared sense of humour really glues you together. And as you say, all that history, all the poignant and amusing memories, binds you together as well.
DeleteFor us it is 47 yrs, 1970s.
ReplyDeleteNo co-habituating then. Keep snuggling.
Susan: Odd to think cohabiting was still something a bit edgy in the seventies. Now every other couple is cohabiting.
DeleteI'm no one to participate in this discussion; I stayed married only 9 years.
ReplyDeleteJoanne: Nine years for two people to rub along together is still quite an achievement.
DeleteWe've been married for 55 years --- there's nothing like the shared history in a long-term relationship that works. We do a lot of parallel play and support one another in our projects. That makes a big difference, I think.
ReplyDeleteJean: Parallel play and support sounds good. And as you say, a shared history binds you together - as long as it isn't a shared history of vicious rows!
DeleteHaving dedicated personal space helps a lot. I like my own space. Both of us have too much junk, but we keep it to ourselves!
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Ms Scarlet: Indeed. In our last house, Jenny and I shared a study and a pc and we were always vying with each other to get our turn! Now we have separate studies and pcs, thank goodness.
DeleteOh I can understand all of that. Ken and I have been together for almost 30 years.
ReplyDeleteMary: Congratulations! There must have been plenty of give and take to keep you together.
DeleteSounds like you each have a “keeper”. The little things don’t really matter in the big picture, but they can be stand-ins for much bigger things if we ever get past them. Congrats! My husband and I were older when we wed so had already worked through some youthful pitfalls. We were just shy of our 43rd anniversary when he died.
ReplyDeleteJoared: I was 31 when I met Jenny so I had worked through some youthful pitfalls as well. My first sexual relationship was a naive disaster!
DeleteI was 27, considered an old maid by some in those days but I hadn't intended to marry or if I did, didn't plan to have children, but I did that, too. My husband was 33 -- he and his buddies from college days were all single, but after we wed the other two soon married, too -- all deceased now.
DeleteJoared: A six-year difference is considered quite insignificant these days!
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