Friday, 10 May 2013

Health check

Sorry about this, but under the new health and safety regulations all blog visitors now have to be vetted for their psychological fitness, to avoid any emotional injury from unusually controversial or challenging posts.

We are therefore obliged to ask you a few routine questions before you are permitted to read any further (NB: all these questions are fully wheelchair-accessible, gender-neutral and additive-free):

1) Are you, or have you ever been, pear-shaped?
2) Are you disturbed by any of the following: cornflakes, bicycles, dandruff, ceiling fans, golf balls or haddock?
3) Do you ever dream of underwired bras?
4) At social events, do you ever have a burning desire to stab someone to death?
5) Do you struggle with the word onomatopoeia?
6) Do you have unwanted thoughts about courgettes?
7) Do double chins make you feel a bit peculiar?
8) Have you ever been puzzled by elbows?
9) Do you hanker after better-constructed sentences?
10) Do you find clouds unsatisfactory?

Your answers will be carefully evaluated by our panel of experts who will decide on your visitor-suitability. You will be notified of their decision within the next few days.

In the meantime, please do not try to read any blog posts. Our sophisticated monitoring software will alert us instantly to any unauthorised activity and your internet connection will be automatically suspended.

Thank you for your co-operation. We appreciate your interest in Nickhereandnow and look forward to welcoming you again in the very near future. We encourage all visitors irrespective of gender, sexual orientation, religion, race, colour of nail varnish, bum size, quantity of body hair, or ridiculous sticky-out ears. Special dietary needs catered for on request.

37 comments:

Rummuser said...

What will you do with someone who answers no to all the questions?

Nick said...

Ramana: Well obviously they'd be a total freak and they'd be advised to take their custom elsewhere.

John Gray said...

1) Are you, or have you ever been, pear-shaped?
Yes
2) Are you disturbed by any of the following: cornflakes, bicycles, dandruff, ceiling fans, golf balls or haddock?
Not a fan of dandruff.....as for the others.....I can cope
3) Do you ever dream of underwired bras?
I certainly hope I never do
4) At social events, do you ever have a burning desire to stab someone to death?
Frequently
5) Do you struggle with the word onomatopoeia?
No........I use it daily
6) Do you have unwanted thoughts about courgettes?
Hummmm held by Russell Crowe...yes
7) Do double chins make you feel a bit peculiar?
My own does
8) Have you ever been puzzled by elbows?
Only once
9) Do you hanker after better-constructed sentences?
Perhaps..I do..yes...oh well
10) Do you find clouds unsatisfactory?
All. The time

Nick said...

John: Our panel of experts is unanimous in deciding that you're the perfect visitor and may come and go as you please. Congratulations!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I suffer from disturbing dreams about online quizzes, especially those originating in the British Isles. This condition is frequently puzzling and makes me feel peculiar, which is often unsatisfactory. Pear-shaped haddock is disturbing, too, particularly when it has been stabbed to death by foundation garments with underwires.

Nick said...

Heart: Brilliant! Our panel of experts (that's Susie, Joanne, Megan and Hattie Expert) are so impressed with your exceptional answers they're sending you a special voucher for a week's stay at a deluxe beauty and health resort in the Caribbean. Enjoy!

Grannymar said...

'At social events, do you ever have a burning desire to stab someone to death?'

No. I just see them in my mind's eye as a pear shaped haddock!

Nick said...

Grannymar: What a brilliant idea! I must try that the next time I come across someone especially infuriating....

Liz said...

1) No. Melon, yes.
2) I live in dread of my dandruff being blown around the room by an over-active ceiling fan.
3) My life is an underwired bra.
4) No. Slow poisoning, yes.
5) O no.
6) Have you been reading my secret diary?
7) No, but droopy jowls do.
8) They do make me laugh.
9) Totally hankered out.
10) Never.

Nick said...

Liz: Oh, didn't you know, your secret diary has been circulating on Facebook for several weeks. In fact it's gone totally viral. Electrifying reading it is too. I have to say I was shocked beyond belief by the entry for March 13.

e said...

No to all but the underwired...Unfortunately, I have no choice but to live in those things...Still not well but getting there ever so slowly, it seems.

Nick said...

e: Oh, that sounds very resigned! We men have managed to escape such inflictions....

Secret Agent Woman said...

1) Never been pear-shaped - more like slender hourglass.
2) I can't say I'm thrilled with all those things, but not disturbed either.
3) Uh, no. I wear underwire bras, of course.
4) No. Perhaps a fleeting thought of it now and again.
5) Nope
6) Those are zucchini, right? Again, nope.
7) DO you mean having a double chin (I don't) or seeing them? It's not an attractive feature but that's about the extent of it.
8) I'm puzzled by the question, does that count?
9) Hmm. At this point, I hanker after better constructed psychological quiz questions.
10) I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all.

Wisewebwoman said...

1) Are you, or have you ever been, pear-shaped?
WOULD ANY FRUIT DO?
2) Are you disturbed by any of the following: cornflakes, bicycles, dandruff, ceiling fans, golf balls or haddock?
ONLY WHEN I'M TRYING TO INGEST THEM ALL AT ONCE.
3) Do you ever dream of underwired bras?
NEVER. I'M A SOFTIE.
4) At social events, do you ever have a burning desire to stab someone to death?
ONLY AT UNSOCIAL EVENTS
5) Do you struggle with the word onomatopoeia?
SYMPHONY. HARMONY.
6) Do you have unwanted thoughts about courgettes?
I ALWAYS WANT THOSE THOUGHTS.
7) Do double chins make you feel a bit peculiar?
NO, BUT QUADRUPLES DO IT TO ME.
8) Have you ever been puzzled by elbows?
ONLY WHEN I HAVE A BAG OF THEM
9) Do you hanker after better-constructed sentences?
I USE KLEENEX
10) Do you find clouds unsatisfactory?
THEY'RE FAR TOO EPHEMERAL

XO
WWW

Nick said...

Agent: You hanker after better constructed psychological quiz questions? Then please contact our Customer Services Department in Chipping Norton.

Slender hourglass? Lucky you!

Nick said...

www: Absolutely, clouds are far too ephemeral. Here one minute, gone the next. It's all most disconcerting.

Goodness, which fruit do you resemble? Nothing too embarrassing, I hope.

Leah said...

Now I am stuck on "slender hourglass," gonna have nightmares about *that*.

Leah said...

1) See above.
2) Golf balls give me a funny feeling.
3) I fantasize about them, does that count?
4) At social events, I often have a stabbing desire to burn someone...
5) I love that word.
6) Courgettes give me a funny feeling.
7) Double chins make me want to bite them.
8) Elbows make me want to bite them.
9) YES.
10) YES

Nick said...

Leah: I thought your figure already qualified as "slender hourglass"? Or have I been misinformed?

A worrying biting impulse here. As long as you aren't tempted to bite any employees of Nickhereandnow.

Now I'm wondering if burning would be more fun than stabbing....

Secret Agent Woman said...

Ahem. There is nothing nightmarish about my body. I just meant to say I have the typical female proportions, but I'm on the thin side.

Nick said...

Agent: I wasn't being ironic, I was being complimentary! Nothing nightmarish at all!

By the way, what's the difference between clouds and cloud illusions?

Secret Agent Woman said...

No, a comment was about the nightmares induced by that phrase. Not you.

Murr Brewster said...

I've had dreams INVOLVING underwire bras. Last time, I figured how to replace one with a set of hinged ribs.

Nick said...

Agent: Oh I see. I wonder what the "nightmare" reference was all about? The horrors of whalebone corsets perhaps?

Murr: Most ingenious. Quick, grab the patent before someone else makes all the money....

speccy said...

yes
no
they are works of structural wonder
regularly
no
no
only my own
of course
always
real or virtual?

Nick said...

Speccy: Works of structural wonder indeed. Fascinating to men, usually thoroughly uncomfortable for the wearers....

Real or virtual? Either. Or even clouds of bees. Or clouds of starlings. Or clouds of dust.

Leah said...

Yes yes we all know "slender hourglass" is the standard of beauty!!!!

Leah said...

I was being facetious.

Nick said...

Leah: The media have a lot to answer for. Millions of women unconsciously (or consciously) yearn for an hourglass figure because of all the media images shoved at them day in and day out.

Jay at The Depp Effect said...

1) Are you, or have you ever been, pear-shaped?
I didn't used to be. I used to be 'Marilyn Munroe' hourglass shaped, but now I am, very sadly, a definite pear!

2) Are you disturbed by any of the following: cornflakes, bicycles, dandruff, ceiling fans, golf balls or haddock?
I personally find haddock extremely disturbing. Cornflakes are close behind.

3) Do you ever dream of underwired bras?
Only when they get stuck in the works of my washing machine. That's happened twice now and the repair man ALWAYS laughs at me.

4) At social events, do you ever have a burning desire to stab someone to death?
Yes. Next?

5) Do you struggle with the word onomatopoeia?
Um. No. Sorry!

6) Do you have unwanted thoughts about courgettes?
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!!

7) Do double chins make you feel a bit peculiar?
Nah. OH has one!

8) Have you ever been puzzled by elbows?
Frequently. Especially mine.

9) Do you hanker after better-constructed sentences?
Oh, good grief, yes!

10) Do you find clouds unsatisfactory?
Yes. They move so! No sooner have I spotted Margaret Thatcher up there among the ice-cream castles and whipped my camera out than she's been transformed into a rat or a jar of pickles. Most unsatisfactory.

I do hope my answers mean I can continue reading this blog. But I give you fair warning that I'll continue to do it anyway, no matter how many sanctions you impose!

Nick said...

Jay: Indeed, those pesky clouds will keep changing shape so! They need a jolly good talking-to. And a serious smack on the bottom.

Good heavens, what insubordination! That sort of attitude won't do you any good, young lady.

Jay at The Depp Effect said...

Yes ... but am I still persona grata? I'm biting my nails down to the elbow.

I mean, yes, I'll still read, but it'd be nice to know I was welcome! ;)

Nick said...

Jay: Patience is a virtue. Our National Customer Service Response Team will be in touch with you just as soon as all the comments have been carefully analysed, assessed, evaluated and thrown in the shredder.

bonsaimum said...

Oh god, a survey. Where is my coffee???

Nick said...

Bonsaimum: Don't panic! Your answers have been automatically generated through our special profiling software that has been harvesting all your personal information for several months. A decision will be reached very shortly.

Z said...

I'm perfectly proportioned, of course.
No
No
Yes
Only in a good way
Not unwanted, no
They're so cute when you reach out and wobble them!
Freaky things, elbows
I admire a well-constructed sentence
Only when viewed from above

Nick said...

Z: Our panel of experts were so excited by your splendid answers that they had to have a little lie-down. Once they've recovered, they will officially notify you of your full visitor entitlement.