We are therefore obliged to ask you a few routine questions before you are permitted to read any further (NB: all these questions are fully wheelchair-accessible, gender-neutral and additive-free):
1) Are you, or have you ever been, pear-shaped?
2) Are you disturbed by any of the following: cornflakes, bicycles, dandruff, ceiling fans, golf balls or haddock?
3) Do you ever dream of underwired bras?
4) At social events, do you ever have a burning desire to stab someone to death?
5) Do you struggle with the word onomatopoeia?
6) Do you have unwanted thoughts about courgettes?
7) Do double chins make you feel a bit peculiar?
8) Have you ever been puzzled by elbows?
9) Do you hanker after better-constructed sentences?
10) Do you find clouds unsatisfactory?
Your answers will be carefully evaluated by our panel of experts who will decide on your visitor-suitability. You will be notified of their decision within the next few days.
In the meantime, please do not try to read any blog posts. Our sophisticated monitoring software will alert us instantly to any unauthorised activity and your internet connection will be automatically suspended.
Thank you for your co-operation. We appreciate your interest in Nickhereandnow and look forward to welcoming you again in the very near future. We encourage all visitors irrespective of gender, sexual orientation, religion, race, colour of nail varnish, bum size, quantity of body hair, or ridiculous sticky-out ears. Special dietary needs catered for on request.
