Wednesday, 20 July 2011

Not me, guv

The persistent rumours that I have been routinely hacking into the mobile phones of other bloggers to unearth spicy and salacious material for blog posts are totally untrue. Everything you are reading has been obtained by strictly legal and ethical means.

Further rumours that I have used a string of private detectives to monitor the personal lives and sexual liaisons of other bloggers are also untrue. I have done nothing more than peep through their windows late at night.

Claims that large quantities of emails, voicemails and other hacked material are stored in a safe under the floor of the Wendy House are simply malicious and libellous and my lawyers will shortly be contacting those responsible.

I have repeated many times that even if there is such illegal material in circulation, I know absolutely nothing about it. As chairman and chief executive of a megalithic global corporation employing millions of halfwits, I cannot possibly know what any of those halfwits are up to at any given time.

However, informal investigations by my staff suggest that the team of night cleaners employed by Nickhereandnow, led by Mrs Hermione Quickwipe, have been seen in the offices at unusual times and have been leaving the premises with suspicious packages and bulging holdalls. We have taken the precaution of sacking the entire team.

While reiterating that I am totally innocent of any wrongdoing, I apologise unreservedly and from the bottom of my heart to all those who feel their personal privacy has been invaded and their careers wrecked by unnecessary revelations of saucy six-in-a-bed bondage romps in Billericay.

I feel deeply humbled and chastened by the scandalous activities reportedly carried out in the obscure nooks and corners of my sprawling empire, which severely tarnish the once glittering reputation of this fearless and intrepid blogging colossus. I shall leave no stone unturned and no cliché untouched until my good name has been restored and my membership of the Playboy Club reinstated.

God bless you all.

16 comments:

Miss Scarlet said...

*slaps custard pie in Nick's face*
Sx

Nick said...

Scarlet - Damn, where is Jenny to give you a right hook when it's needed?

Grannymar said...

I am oh so glad you did not peddle my shenanigans all over your blog.

PS How much do I owe you now??

Nick said...

Grannymar - Allegations of bribery are in very poor taste. However, I understand Lemmy will be in the usual car park at 6pm on Friday to bring you up to date.

Wisewebwoman said...

Of course now that we have hacked you *yawn* your tune might change....
XO
WWW

Nick said...

www - Wot, you've hacked ME? This is outrageous. I may have to make some "arrangements". I may have to send some "friends" round to your house. Unless you guarantee total silence, of course.

Baino said...

Good grief, they probably tapped my phone and fell asleep with boredom

Macy said...

!!! This doesn't mean you're closing down your blog because of its tarnished reputation, does it?

speccy said...

Can you recommend any good cleaners?

Nick said...

Baino - Surely not? I know Adam and Clare have deserted you, but life can't be that dull at Baino Towers?

Macy - We might have to. Our wider commercial interests are at stake. Falling share prices, loss of shareholder confidence, toxic brand blah blah blah.

Speccy - Hermione and her team were actually excellent, they kept the offices pristine. But if you want to keep your mobile indiscretions to yourself, better give her a wide berth.

Rummuser said...

In India, your peeping through my window is a perfectly accepted practice. Your apology, or should I call it apoplexy, is accepted fully from the bottom of my heart and also from my late wife's bottom.

Nick said...

Ramana - I'm very glad you appreciate the deep sincerity of my apology, unlike others who have accused me of only thinking of the bottom line.

Liz said...

And I thought that man was following me because he liked me!

Nick said...

Liz - And then you wondered why your abusive outburst at the car park attendant was all over the tabloids the next day....

Liz said...

True. I should have realised ...

Nick said...

Liz - What do you mean, true? It's all totally UNtrue, I tell you. I'm just the innocent victim of a scurrilous smear campaign.