Saturday, 21 May 2011

Post mortem

I'm just putting the finishing touches on the best blog post ever, the post that'll go down in history. It will feature the following:

1) identical twins
2) an unexplained murder
3) a stunning transsexual
4) jokes so funny you'll wet yourself
5) endearing furry animals
6) chocolate cakes
7) a strange ticking noise
8) a missed appointment
9) an unopened letter
10) a bottle of perfume

But there are a few loose ends that need to be tied up first. Did the heroine miss the appointment because of the unopened letter? Why was there a bottle of perfume in the corpse's hand? Will the furry animals need feeding? Why are the identical twins both called Sheila? What is the meaning of life?

Once I've sorted out those little details, we'll be up and running.

You may think that you've read this post already, that you know exactly what happens to the identical twins and why they had to leave their rented flat so hastily on the night of March 20th. You may imagine you can easily explain the padlocked cellar door in the shy transsexual's suburban semi, and why she has a horror of artichokes. But you'd be wrong. This is a brand-new post, fresh as the morning dew, fresh as fairy dust. Never before has such....

Oh, fuckity fuck, I've just pressed Delete by mistake. The entire post has gone down the swanee. I can't believe it. I'm devastated.

(Sobs uncontrollably)

26 comments:

Rummuser said...

So am I Nick, so am I.

Nick said...

Ramana - Don't tell me, you've written at least ten but the Delete button is in such a finger-friendly position....

kylie said...

never heard you swear before, nick!
great post, best ever

Scarlet Blue said...

Are you writing my biography?
Sx

Eryl said...

Have some cake.

Nick said...

Kylie - Me swear? Of course I never swear. What do you fucking take me for?

Scarlet - Damn, rumbled. Yes, I've been commissioned by Snipcock and Tweed. They offered me such a massive advance, how could I refuse? I know all the details of that affair with a certain sultry actress, btw....

Eryl - Thanks. What do you mean, that's too big a slice? I'm eating for two - me and my ego.

secret agent woman said...

Swanee. See what I mean? I think you do this intentionally to keep me confused.

Nick said...

Secret Agent - Nowadays it seems mainly a British expression, but it has American roots as well. The official Florida state song "The Swanee River" by Stephen Foster is about a guy who's sad to be down the Swanee and far away from home. Foster died in poverty in the Bowery aged 37. Down the Swanee indeed.

wendy house said...

have people been tweeting about the contents of the unopened letter?

Baino said...

There there petal . .the twins must have been Aussies with a name like Sheila?

Los Angelista said...

lol, that cake looks REALLY good! You're torturing us with virtual chocolate!

Nick said...

Wendy - They have. In their droves. I'm applying urgently for an extension to my super-injunction so nobody will uncover all those embarrassing affairs. Oops, did I say affairs? I meant au pairs. No no, flares....

Baino - Aussies, eh? You could be right. The plot thickens....

Liz - It's a really yummy cake. Lashings and lashings of pure chocolate. The cake experience to die for. Sorry, is my sadistic streak showing?

Wisewebwoman said...

I managed a screen grab of The Best Post Ever(tm) before you foolishly pushed that delete.
A publisher if very interested.
Sue me.
XO
WWW

Nick said...

W3 - I deny it all, it's totally untrue, I made it all up. I had nothing to do with the chocolate cake binge that killed the twins. Or the sudden death of all the hamsters. Publish if you dare.

Grannymar said...

That delete button is as tempting as chocolate cake!

Nick said...

Grannymar - Not so much tempting as susceptible to absent-minded fingers!

Liz said...

That happens to me all the time, nick!

Nick said...

Liz - There's only one solution. Rip the Delete button from the keyboard and throw it away.

speccy said...

Always the way! How come we never accidently delete the less wonderful posts?

Nick said...

Speccy - Because we shove them into cyberspace so quickly, thinking, Oh well, that'll do for the next few days, who knows, maybe it isn't as crap as I think it is?

Macy said...

See what comes of multi tasking Nick? All that telling us about the blog entry, while you put the finishing touches to it???
tsk.

Nick said...

Macy - I know, I'm useless at multi-tasking. If I try to make a cup of tea while the pizza's cooking, I'm bound to overfill the cup and burn the pizza. My mind is more like Pooh Bear's.

blackwatertown said...

This will go down in history as one of those great unread books. Maybe you could enter it for the Turner Prize? (Well if switching on and off the light won it in the past...)

Nick said...

Blackwater - That's an idea. The exhibit would be a computer screen and a giant delete button. The screen keeps filling with text and then going blank as the delete button is constantly pressed and released.

secret agent woman said...

That river is actually the Suwannee River, and it was a mis-spelling. Foster never even went to Florida, and he just picked a Southern river that sounded good.

Nick said...

Secret Agent - Yes, I see it's north of Tampa. Well, Foster was a bit of a fraud all round, wasn't he? As you say, he never went to Florida but he wrote all these bogus southern songs like "Old Kentucky Home" and "Camptown Races." He wouldn't get away with that now.