Wednesday, 27 April 2011

Under wraps

You know those new super-injunctions that are all the rage? The ones the celebs take out, banning any mention of anything in their private life, especially that sultry affair with the nanny and the pittance they paid the gardener?

Well, I've taken one out myself so my sordid private life is now safe from media exposure and backstreet gossip. From now on, if any of you breathe a word about those tawdry, squalid episodes in my past you'll be facing the sharpest lawyers in town and a huge bill for damages. So watch what you say.

You can reveal as much as you like about my unflagging work for charity and my devotion to the Sacred Order of Divine Bliss. You can refer constantly to my tireless support for stray cats and the Association of Real Spaghetti Eaters.

But any unsavoury allusion to my friendships with the glamorous supermodel Veronica Trinket, the renowned conceptual artist Tanzi Twitch or the legendary footwear designer Binario "Bino" Biscotti will lead straight to the courts.

Any suggestion of over-indulgence in relation to alcohol, drugs, sexual perversions or gambling, any insinuation that I'm a secret admirer of the Royal Family or Morris Dancing, any mention of botched plastic surgery, and you'd better have your cheque book ready.

You can demand the truth as much as you like, but I'm not interested in truth. The only thing that matters is my glittering public image, and if it has to be built on a dungheap of lies, evasions and fantasy, so be it. The masses don't want truth, they want to be lifted out of their barren lives into a shimmering utopia of human perfection.

What d'you mean, there's nothing left to write about? I'm sure you could work up a few paragraphs about my passionate love of goldfish....

24 comments:

Grannymar said...

Hah! You forgot your episode with the gerbils. I have booked the front page on Friday for that one!!

Nick said...

Grannymar - I deny everything. The gerbils weren't mine, they belonged to a neighbour. And they were already dying before they came into my hands.

Wisewebwoman said...

I hear your ex-therapist is planning a full expose of all the derring-does and don'ts. Unless you pay the overdue fees.
Quid pro quo.
XO
WWW

nursemyra said...

tell me more about this Divine Bliss

kylie said...

come on nick, you dont need lawyers, you're just an effeminate old dude in cardigans

e said...

Lying, better known as the good spin or public relations, will get you far in today's world...That speaks volumes about modern society, unfortunately.

Nick said...

W3 - Jeez, I forgot how much I've carelessly blurted out to Melissa Flinch. Your cheque's in the post, Melissa, for the full amount including a bit extra for the broken window.

Myra - The Sacred Order of Divine Bliss is the brainchild of His Supremeness Swami Korianda. I visit the Order when I need to unscramble my poor exhausted brain.

Nick said...

Kylie - An effeminate old dude in cardigans? How very dare you. They're McCartney and Westwood cardigans, I'll have you know. And I'm not a day over 93. But effeminate I won't argue with.

e - Lying is an indispensible part of climbing the career ladder, to cover up all the incompetence, fraud and ruthlessness that might be too embarrassing.

Baino said...

Everyone needs secrets even if nobody's a mystery. Wasn't there the episode where you . . . oh never mind. I can't afford the lawyers.

nick said...

Baino - THAT episode? The one with the riding crops and the chihuahua? It was all grossly exaggerated. The chihuahua was never in any danger.

Ramana Rajgopaul said...

Is one allowed to dig up your unsavoury contacts in distant lands?

nick said...

Ramana - Definitely not. The writs will be flying straightaway. So you'd better keep quiet about that incident with the pregnant kangaroo in Alice Springs.

Megan said...

Omerta! I warn you though. If I die under mysterious circumstances there are sealed instructions left with reliable persons and the key to the safety deposit box is somewhere you will never think to look.

Nick said...

Megan - Omertà indeed! You wouldn't want a couple of po-faced mafiosi on your doorstep one dark night, would you now? Ha, you may think they're reliable persons but a tempting stack of banknotes could prove otherwise.

newjenny said...

Interest in celebrity gossip makes me feel sad for all the humanists who once had high hopes for our species.

Nick said...

newjenny - What's sad is that the petty details of celebrity routines are seen as more interesting than our own lives. What an empty existence some people must have.

Liz said...

Just been catching up.

The most amazing thing about the super-injunctions is the news that Andrew Marr had an affair. I mean, have you seen him? (How bitchy is that?!)

Nick said...

Liz - He seems amazingly unattractive to me, but there's no accounting for taste. Plus, he's rich and famous and knows lots of powerful people. That's a big aphrodisiac to many women.

tattytiara said...

I'd never heard of the things, but yeah and absolutely - I'll take two!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Well, I could definitely tell about... you know... but that was in another country and besides, the wench is dead.

Nick said...

Tattytiara - Actually there's a three for the price of two offer. How about taking three?

Heart - Is she dead? I had no idea. I thought she was still shacked up with that guy who set fire to Damien Hirst's underpants. Only thing is, she kept a very detailed diary....

Josh Hoyt said...

This is great I think I'll post something similar on my blog. I mean i really don't need to as I'm perfect but just in case :)

secret agent woman said...

Oh, I should have read this before I talked to the press. Sorry about that....

Nick said...

Josh - You're perfect? Then in that case you don't need my blog, you can just float up to heaven....

Secret Agent - Jeez, this could be serious. When I think of all the stuff I told you when we were both lodging at Mrs Creeney's. And I was so convinced you could keep a secret. How wrong I was.