It seems practically obligatory these days for men to have a mistress, or at least a regular hooker. Any man who's happy with one woman must wonder if he's settling for too little or if he's a bit of a cold fish.Every day there's some celeb who's been caught with someone not his official partner. Or I hear about a friend of a friend who's been shagging woman number two on the quiet. Not many men admit to seeing prostitutes, but it's a good ten per cent of them.
As one of those men who's always been happy with what he's got, and has no desire for second helpings, I don't understand how other men can be so greedy, or sex-starved, or possessive, or whatever the motive might be. But having occasionally been knocked for six by unexpectedly sexy women, I'm not going to judge other men who don't stop at being smitten. Temptation can sometimes be overwhelming.
But I do judge men who visit prostitutes. It's a sordid, inhuman activity that always degrades the woman, whatever spin you put on it. I've never in my life used a prostitute and I have no sympathy for any man who does.
It's also routine for a guy who's two-timing to keep it secret and deceive his partner about what he's up to. Routine in other words to spit on his partner's trust and goodwill and treat her as a gullible idiot who can't put two and two together.
I can't fathom this either. How can a man see it as natural to be seduced by a sexy woman but equally natural to hide it as if he's doing something shameful and disgusting? It's not convincing to say he didn't think it would last very long and then no one would know and no harm done. It's still deceit and betrayal.
No, it's not just effeteness that kept me from sneaky bed-hopping. It was just as much the accompanying tangle of dishonesty and connivance. For me it wouldn't have added a guilty thrill, only nail-biting anxiety.
sometimes one just lives with the nail biting anxiety as the price paid for some other commodity
ReplyDeleteBed hopping gives cheap thrills and you know what they say... there is no such thing as a free lunch, there is always a price to pay!
ReplyDeleteKylie - I don't have much tolerance for nail-biting anxiety. I only put up with it when there's something anxiety-inducing that I simply have to do.
ReplyDeleteGrannymar - Indeed, there's always a price to pay even if the bill hasn't yet been presented!
Nick, this is a Pandora's box that you have opened. Tomes have been written about the causes and effects of this, not only about men hopping beds but also women. Quite why it happens is beyond my ken too but happen it does. I expect that it is primarily due to not getting enough in terms or quantity or quality or both, in the official relationship.
ReplyDeleteAs far as going to prostitutes is concerned, there have been studies that say that many men do not go to them only because of fear of STD and now of course AIDS. If that fear was not there, I suppose that the incidence will be higher. I should imagine that, that too happens for the same reason as for bed hopping. There are gigolos too in the business.
Ramana - Is it a question of not getting enough, or just being greedy and wanting more? It's hard to get accurate figures for how many men use prostitutes, because of the obvious tendency to deny it.
ReplyDeleteSex addiction is considered a serious disease, Nick as it affects all areas of a person's life and becomes all consuming (eg internet porn, using prostitutes, multiple affairs).
ReplyDeleteOften attributed to fear of intimacy.
I have known a few and they have displayed all the attributes of addiction.
XO
WWW
W3 - I agree there's an addictive flavour to persistent philandering. And talking of internet porn, I read that a rising number of men (and women) are seeking help to overcome their obsession with it.
ReplyDeleteThere's been some interesting research on neuroplasticity of the brain and how pleasure pathways get laid down in our brain regrading the use of porn, particularly with its wide availability on the internet. People can become increasingly drawn to what the see in porn (both the plasticly perfect bodies and the compliance/ willingness to do anything that is portrayed. Maybe that also leads to the use of prostitutes - who will do what your partner won't. But I'm with you - it ALWAYS degrades women and I have zero tolerance.
ReplyDeleteAs for infidelity, the rates are high for both men and women these days. It's sad. I don't have a moral issue with people electing not to be in a monogamous relationship - goodness knows I've been there myself - but I do have an issue with deception.
I think a lot of women would rather that their husband paid for safe sex with a prostitute once in a blue moon than have an affair where they may fall in love with someone else
ReplyDeleteWhy monogammy? Who said so? Some friends who describe themselves as 'Polyamourous' (I call them Swinegers when I want to wind them up) look very well-adjusted, happy bunch of people. More so than many of the couples I see trying to conform to the lifetime dyadic monogamy model which doesn't seem to work for the majority of people - evidenced by divorce, infidelity, 'domestic' violence etc
ReplyDeleteSecret Agent - Yes, I guess the fascination of porn is the perfection, that you can get what you can't necessarily get in real life. Which presumably makes you increasingly frustrated with real life itself.
ReplyDeleteAny kind of deception really screws up a relationship, but it seems to me that systematic deception is now rife in every walk of life.
Myra - The trouble is that (a) men are habitually callous or even brutal towards prostitutes and (b) prostitution always damages the women themselves. Most of them have symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder.
ReplyDeleteWendy - I agree, monogamy doesn't suit everyone, and if people are happy with multiple sex partners, why not? Of course relationship problems are not necessarily due to monogamy but can have many causes.
Not all men treat the women badly, though most of those who live off their earnings do.
ReplyDeleteProstitution is always going to be with us, it needs to be decriminalised and we need to recognise the sex workers rights.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sex_workers'_rights
Myra - I've had this debate quite a few times on my blog, and I think we'll have to agree to disagree on this one.
ReplyDeleteI have in fact aired the idea that the only thing wrong with prostitution is that it isn't protected by the same employment and health and safety laws as other occupations, but I can't see that ever happening, let alone being properly enforced.
Ok :-)
ReplyDelete@myra - I would feel the opposite. My husband never cheated but if he had, I'd far rather it be with someone he had feelings for. I might be able to forgive an affair. I would never be able to forgive him going to a prostitute, even once. That would say something about how he viewed women that I would find appalling.
ReplyDeleteIf both parties have agreed to be in an exclusive relationship, it's loathsome to betray that trust. And to mess with ones partner's perceptions by lying about it when questioned, compounds the injury. To paraphrase Hemingway, "It's a rotten way to be wounded."
ReplyDeleteSecret Agent - I can understand that. Some men who use prostitutes may say they feel affection for them, but you can hardly take that seriously.
ReplyDeleteHeart - It's the deceit that really repulses me. There's something so cynical and contemptuous about it.
I think prostitution has an honesty to it, a tangible reward for the prostitute who presumably really needs the money.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise I strongly agree with everything you say.
newjenny - Oh, I think prostitution is completely fake. The prostitutes pretending they enjoy the sex and like the men, and the men pretending they like the women and respect what they're doing. The only honest bit is the exchange of money.
ReplyDeleteYou do like a debate, don't you?
ReplyDeleteI can't really add to this, only to agree that fidelity should be discussed before hand and changes in circumstances flagged before different beds are visited.
As for prostitution...well, I've never been that desperate financially to consider it; I don't think it's a career choice girls/boys make and I suspect it spreads misery. However, it's not for me to judge those who feel that's their only option.
I would rather better choices be available to those who find themselves in that situation.
Roses - I do, I do. I like to hear other people's views on things. I suspect most men recoil from honesty because they assume it would nip their fledgling affairs in the bud. Or alternatively it wouldn't be such fun if their partner gave them full permission.
ReplyDeleteYeah. Just yeah. It's the lying.
ReplyDeleteMeno - It's the lying that disgusts me. And I know how much lying there was in your case. It must have been quite shocking to discover the extent of it.
ReplyDelete