Tuesday, 8 June 2010

The road to bliss

I'm just back from the remote Cairngorms retreat of the Sacred Order of Divine Bliss. As you know, I go there periodically for spiritual refreshment and to cleanse my mind of worldly impurities.

The Head of the Sacred Order is the illustrious Swami Korianda Arjibarji Kolostomi Roshi, whose seven million devotees regard him as the earthly incarnation of Zu, the supreme cosmic life-force.

He is known for the astonishingly gruelling regime he imposes, designed to break through the accumulations of bad karma that prevent everlasting bliss.

The typical day involves a punishing schedule of chastisement, self-mortification, torture, rock-breaking and ritual humiliations. Light meals of organic gruel and seaweed fritters are included, along with a bed of nails for overnight stays.

Swami Korianda himself, having long ago reached a permanent state of pure, transcendent ecstasy, has no further need of such rigorous discipline and instead spends his days with a bevy of nubile lovelies, quaffing champagne and oysters and cruising the countryside in one of his luxurious fleet of customised Rolls-Royces.

He makes light of the 17 people who have died from the traumatic after-effects of his strenuous curriculum. They are the lucky ones, he says, who have reached the state of nirvana unexpectedly, avoiding years of agonising spiritual struggle.

I have to confess I spent the third night not on a bed of nails but in a five star hotel in Inverness with another devotee, the very appealing Felicity Hopgrass. This also led to an unexpected state of nirvana, which unfortunately came to an end when Felicity had to return home urgently after her pet alsatian ate the neighbour's budgie.

I'm now back home myself, fully revitalised and with renewed admiration for the celebrated Swami whose surly critics are simply jealous of his infinite oriental wisdom.

# A week at the retreat costs £973. Bring your own pliers and first aid kit.

Pic: the venerable Swami Korianda

23 comments:

secret agent woman said...

A five-star hotel and a bed-mate. Can't argue with that!

grannymar said...

Wonder what Voluptia thinks? ;)

Nick said...

Secret Agent - I know, what a lucky encounter! We happened to be sharing the same dungeon.

Grannymar - I've fallen out with Voluptua. I don't think I'll be seeing her for a while.

Wisewebwoman said...

I've reached Nirvana, many times. Sign me up for the 'Royce and the Boyz.
XO
WWW

Scarlet Blue said...

I'm booked in for the last week in August!
Into the five star hotel, that is...
Sx

Nick said...

www - Surely a Rolls wouldn't be environmentally-friendly enough? Don't you mean a Toyota Prius? Or a gold-plated bicycle?

Scarlet - Very wise, I'd thoroughly recommend it. There's a very pretty bell-boy you'd take to straightaway.

Kate said...

I think I'll stick to a head ful of worldly impurities... but whatever lights your candle Nick!!!!

Suburbia said...

Does he do 'economy' packages? Bring your own nails perhaps? ;)

Macy said...

That'll be a photo of the Swami receiving your donation in used fivers then...

Megan said...

I don't often type this, but LOL!!!

Baino said...

Haha . . no bed of nails but the hotel in Inverness sounds delightful! Being half welsh, I probably wouldn't mind the seaweed fritters either

Nick said...

Kate - My head's so stuffed with worldly impurities I think the Swami's got his work cut out!

Suburbia - I believe there's a special discount if you bring your own torture equipment.

Macy - Ah yes, there's also a large discount for cash. All major currencies accepted.

Megan - It's strictly forbidden to laugh in the presence of His Holiness. Or to tug his beard.

Baino - The hotel is excellent. The masseur provides an extensive range of personal services.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I am a follower of Swami Mendicananda, who wants nothing more than to divest everyone he meets of the burden of their worldly goods. He does this out of the immense kindness and generosity of his huge heart because poverty allows us to turn our chattering monkey minds inward and to find the joy within. We elevate our spirits by transferring ownership of our lives to him so that we are light as air. Not eating helps, too.

Nick said...

Heart - I believe Swami K and Swami M are close friends. Swami Mendicananda is regarded as one of the world's perfect beings. His boundless penance and self-sacrifice for the benefit of others is exemplary. He never complains, even after a crushing two-day session with his accountants.

kylie said...

you havent reached bliss yet?

i'm so in front of you

Eternally Distracted said...

I think I'll stick with Inverness!

Nick said...

Kylie - Not quite. A few more stints of extreme self-mortification should do it. So when do you become Swami Kylie?

Distracted - Wise move. Though I have to warn you that won't lead to bliss, only to the superficial joy of mere sensual pleasure.

kylie said...

yesterday. didnt you get the invitation?

Nick said...

Kylie - Afraid not. I hope you didn't send it to my French chateau. My butler only forwards the mail once a month.

Rummuser said...

Nick, using photoshop to blacken my whiskers and add hair on my top, without my permission is just not cricket. Oops, they don't much play cricket in Ireland do they?

Nick said...

Ramana - I didn't need to. There are thousands of men who look just like that. Perhaps they all fancy themselves as spiritual gurus.

gaelikaa said...

Lough Derg has nothing on that place obviously. I don't know. There's enough hairhirts and penance and suffering in life as we know it without resorting weird oriental sects for more of the same!

Nick said...

Gaelikaa - Ah, Lough Derg. Having never sampled their spiritual fare, I don't know how it compares with the Swami's. Indeed, if misery and suffering guaranteed cosmic bliss, most people would already be blissed out!