I've never

I like those memes where people list all the things they've never done. They're just as interesting as all the things people have done. And they always set me wondering. Why have they never done X or Y? What stopped them? What influenced them? Anyway, just for the record, here's my own list.

I've never:

• worn boxer shorts (they're uncomfortable)
• had jet lag (I adjust quickly to different time zones)
• heckled anyone (it's pointless)
• lost my voice (I never talk for long enough)
• gone bald (shortage of testosterone?)
• had children (never had the urge)
• had a nickname (can't explain that one)
• broken a bone (I've just been lucky)
• had a good sense of smell (roses? what roses?)
• tried cocaine (not keen on drugs)
• had cosmetic surgery (I'm just fine as I am, thanks)
• been religious (it never made any sense to me)
• voted Tory (I've always been a socialist)
• had a tattoo (I don't need to decorate my body)
• been to a (commercial) football match (no interest in football)
• dreamed of being naked in a public place (or meeting the Queen)
• been arrested (not the best way of protesting)
• eaten oysters or caviar (they look disgusting)
• forged someone's signature (never needed to)
• read Ulysses or War and Peace (I don't have the stamina)

I've never forged a signature, but I've committed most petty crimes like speeding and litter-dropping and driving under the influence (well, it was 51 years ago). And of course others I'd better not publicly admit to. I've never murdered anyone, though one or two people seemed to have been actively inviting it.

Oh, and I've never chased after a wild boar that stole my laptop. While stark naked.