Some of you may remember from earlier posts that at the age of ten my grandma urged me not to be like my father - habitually bad-tempered and out of control. I took her advice and I've been remarkably even-tempered ever since.
On the rare occasion that something riles me enough to make me angry, other people are taken by surprise. They're so used to me having a cool and measured approach to whatever situation I'm confronted with that they wonder what on earth's going on.
Of course some people say that anger is one of our basic emotions, the emotion that brings us to life, and that never being angry is a bit abnormal. On the contrary, I think anger is as negative as guilt or jealousy or bitterness. Someone who is regularly angry just makes other people wary and defensive.
Anger is very fashionable at the moment. Look at a newspaper or go online and there are any number of people getting furiously angry about something or other. Where they get the energy from I can't imagine.
I also resist anger because it so often leads to violence, especially misogynistic violence. Once you allow anger to flow freely, it easily morphs into something much more dangerous. Keep a lid on it, I say.
PS: Several blogmates have suggested I'm bottling up my emotions and that expressing anger is a normal human trait that I'm lacking. Well, expressing anger may be the psychological norm but norms don't apply to everyone and to my mind it's also normal to be an un-angry outlier. I've never felt that I'm bottling up my emotions, I just hardly ever feel angry.
Nick, is your " keep calm " attitude just self control or the result of a philosophical reflection ? I 'm not sure that your grandma's advice for an only ten year old boy not to be like your father is really helpfull. Maybe it stopped you from trying to get in contact with him. And why do you consider guilt as a negative feeling , a real interesting point of view ? For me misogynistic violence has nothing to do with anger but with being eager for power and domination. And if we agree or not anger is as old as life on earth.
ReplyDeleteHannah
Hannah: I never had any meaningful contact with my father, he refused to speak to me for 20 years. Maybe I'm emotionally repressed but I can't recall ever feeling guilty. Inadequate certainly. I would say misogynistic violence has a lot to do with anger - anger that a woman is not doing a man's bidding.
DeleteAgree with Hannah. Not least on "guilt". If I have done wrong I feel guilt. And so I should. Nothing "negative" about it. Quite the opposite. Conscience in another word.
ReplyDeleteYou muddle anger with aggression. One can be angry without resorting to throwing plates and/or domestic violence. In my experience anger is largely expressed by raised voices. And when someone raises their voice that person should be taken seriously. No one chooses to be angry.
You say your father was "habitually bad tempered". That has nothing to do with anger but all do with temperament and (possibly) their personal experience of socialization. There are a couple of people in my not so close orbit whom it takes nothing to be irritated. Being irritable the little brother of anger. They are the ones who let their displeasure at anything shine with no self-restraint. Pity them. Smooth their troubled waters.
As you say, anger is indeed one of our basic emotions and it serves basic survival instincts. You may wish to read up on repressed anger. Holding it all in, and to stay with your image of keeping a lid on it, may lead the pressure cooker to explode. Better a little judicious anger propelling you into action, say in public life, politics, injustices, than be on a constant simmer.
I rarely feel anger towards a person but then I am thick skinned (think water off a duck's back) and also of a sunny disposition.
U
Ursula: Goodness, a lot to digest there. Re being on a constant simmer, in that case a simmer that's lasted 78 years, so far without exploding!
DeleteI see so many public figures getting very angry but not achieving much as a result. Donald Trump, Elon Musk?
I wouldn't say I'm repressing my anger, it's just that my instinctive reaction to a crisis or a difficult situation is to process it mentally rather than getting angry.
It’s not healthy to keep emotions bottled up, but too much anger is not healthy either.
ReplyDeleteBijoux: I don't feel as if I'm bottling something up. It's just that my automatic reaction to a crisis is to think about it rather than get into a rage.
DeleteAnger exists to teach us something. I'd rather learn the lesson than just squash the anger down
ReplyDeleteKylie: I just don't feel angry. It doesn't seem as if I'm squashing something down.
DeleteAnger clouds your judgement.
ReplyDeleteFor me, I recognise myself getting angry about something, and go make a cup of tea or something. Then, I come back and tell that person why they upset me in a calm way. We need to talk about our emotions.
I agree with the other commenters about re: guilt. I think feeling guilty is a healthy emotion.
Liam: I don't usually tackle someone who has upset me. I just shrug my shoulders and move on.
DeleteBecause I have a personality disorder, my emotions are muted a bit more than other people so while I still feel all the emotions, I don't feel them as strongly as other people do. So it takes a lot to make me angry.
ReplyDeleteMary: I share your tendency to not get angry easily. Though I think you can get pretty angry with some of your anti-social neighbours?
DeleteAs long as they keep me out of whatever they're doing, I just watch and take pictures like a National Geographic Journalist. LOL
DeleteMary: Watching and taking pictures is the best thing to do in a dodgy situation.
DeleteIn my younger years I was mercurial. Or could be. I rarely get angry to the aggression level. I do get ticked off. I believe there is a reason for all emotions, it's what we do with them that matters.
ReplyDeleteSandra: True, it's how we handle our emotions that matters, rather than the emotions themselves.
DeleteHa! I lost my temper with South West Water last Thursday. First major melt-down in years.
ReplyDeleteSome workers shouldn't be allowed to interact with the public without a grown-up being present. Grrr.
Anyhow, if it wasn't for me getting angry I probably wouldn't have any water right now.
Sx
Ms Scarlet: Anger does work with some people. I'm glad you got your water back!
DeleteNick, by not constantly reading the news I am less angry most days, compared to some others I know.
ReplyDelete