Friday 28 May 2021

When grief surprises

There's no simple logic about who you grieve over and who you don't. You might expect that serious grief is reserved for our family members, especially parents and siblings. If you grieve for other people, it's not so intense, not so all-consuming.

But it doesn't necessarily work like that.

I had no major grief when my mother and father died, as I had never been very close to them. I'd been estranged from my father for 20 years, as you know, so there was no closeness there. I wasn't close to my mother either, as we were very different, thoroughly chalk and cheese, and though it was truly sad to see her gradual mental and physical decline, I didn't grieve for her.

I've actually grieved more, or at least been more emotionally affected, by the death of people outside my family - like public figures I admired and who died at an early age. So much potential unrealised, such a shocking waste.

I was very upset when John Lennon died. He had so many creative years ahead of him still, and suddenly he was gone. Likewise Amy Winehouse, who was so amazingly talented but who was struck down in her prime.

I was stunned when Martin Lamble, drummer with Fairport Convention, who was only 19, died in a road accident on his way back from a gig in Birmingham. He was a friend of a friend and I had met him several times.

I was shaken when two people I worked with in a London bookshop both died of cancer in their thirties -  Amanda of breast cancer and Nigel of lung cancer. They were both lovely people and shouldn't have met such an early end.

Grief, and who provokes it, can surprise you.

30 comments:

  1. The person I have most grieved for is my ex husband
    And the decker is still alive

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    1. John: I can well understand that. Everything seemed to be going so well and then, wham.

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  2. True. Grief is a weird one. I'm still upset about Victoria Wood - I keep seeing things on TV and think to myself: Victoria Wood would write a great parody about that.
    The death of bloggers I've known - crikey, I have sobbed my heart out over these people who've been in my life and yet never met.
    Sx

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    1. Ms Scarlet: Yes, the death of a blogger can be shocking, even if you've never met - and even if you knew they were on the way out.

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  3. As you might recall I had to undergo grief therapy when a truckload of my friends died one after the other. I nearly went mad. Intensive grief therapy really really helped me. There is no time line on grief.

    I still feel the pain of losing my last beloved pet, Ansa.

    Some never surmount their grief.

    XO
    WWW

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    1. www: I know you were devoted to Ansa, I can understand that you still feel bereft. As you say, grief can sometimes last a lifetime.

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  4. I was surprised at how hard and how long I've grieved for my dog Ginger who died last August. I haven't grieved that much over humans I have lost even though I loved them.

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    1. Jennifer: That doesn't surprise me. People get very attached to their pets, and losing them can be very traumatic.

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  5. Grief is mysterious. The Eastern religions teach their followers to grieve and then allow the object of their grief to have its freedom to move on. So this I try to practice. I have had different levels of grief which defy explanation. You never know how much you cared for someone until they are gone.

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    1. Ann: Very true that death may show you just how much you loved (or didn't love) that person - or pet. A sort of emotional litmus test.

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  6. Sometimes it’s harder when it’s unexpected.

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    1. Bijoux: I agree. I think that's why someone's premature death can be so poignant, as opposed to someone who's lived a normal lifespan.

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  7. for awhile in my younger life it seemed like all the people I loved were dying or had died. I felt like I was forever waiting 'til the next shoe falls.'
    but grieving over my dogs. those fur beings who give Perfect love with only affection wanted in return.
    I can't think too much about them even now. it hurts too much.
    and yes.
    the world lost a truly great soul when it lost John Lennon. such a Senseless and Stupid and Wicked thing to do. just to gun him down. why ???

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    1. Tammy: People without pets often can't comprehend how much people love their pets and how devastating it is when they die.

      John Lennon's death was so tragic. Gunning him down was utterly insane.

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  8. I cried very hard at my aunt's funeral but her death is not what I was grieving--it was simply a place that gave me permission to grieve a different loss.

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    1. Linda: That's an interesting way of dealing with grief. I can imagine it's quite a common thing to do.

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  9. I've grieved for people I've only met online. 2 such people were FB friends that I had know for 10 years when they passed away.

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    1. Mary: I find the death of online friends can be upsetting, but usually less so than the death of "real life" friends.

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  10. A young man boarded with me while he went to college locally. He was killed at a train crossing. There was a wrongful death suit, the train was shown to be at fault. I imagine the money make the family's life better. I grieved at his death, especially at his burial. It was so senseless.

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    1. Joanne: That sort of senseless, random death can be especially hard to accept. Why him? What did he do to deserve such an end?

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  11. I understand your thoughts in this post, Nick, and have had many similar ones, about family members and others. The oddest thing is that lately I have found myself thinking more often about those who have passed and rather wishing I had said some things differently. It's not regrets about not having paid attention to them, which I always did by visits or calls but rather things left unsaid or questions unanswered. I wonder if many others have some of the same regrets.

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    1. Beatrice: There are lots of unanswered questions about my mum's life that I never got round to asking. There are many gaps in her history that will never be filled.

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  12. Like all of us, I have had my share of grief and some as surprises. The unexpected deaths of someone near and dear otherwise healthy and active can be devastating as I have experienced a few times.

    Like all other experiences, one gets over such tragedies too.

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    1. Ramana: I agree, when someone apparently fit and healthy suddenly dies that's especially shocking.

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  13. I still mourn the death of a blogger...I miss her take on things, her humour, her fury...
    I don't mourn my mother...we were not close in anything save consanguinity.

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    1. Fly: I can well understand that. I have a lot more in common with my blog pals than I ever did with my parents.

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  14. I've had an easy run, I think. Obviously I've had losses but none so far really haunt me.
    I seem to take it hard for a short time then get back on track. It doesn't mean I didn't care, just that I seem to be able to cope.

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    1. Kylie: I've also had an easy run compared with others. You're lucky that you can get over a loss fairly quickly.

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  15. Feelings of grief arising can surprise us sometimes when they seem to be prompted by people who aren't intimate family or friends. I recall feeling grief manifested in anger when I learned Karen Carpenter died and felt much the same way about Amy Winehouse, too. They were both so young, talented -- such a waste of life. Sometimes I've not grieved after loved ones died from inevitable long illness/disease because I've had repeated grieving episodes throughout the process leading to their death. When the person actually dies there can be a sense of numbness for a time -- I guess just "grieved-out" if there is such a thing.

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    1. Joared: I think you're right about long illnesses and grieving episodes. I knew my mum was increasingly frail for a long time before she died, so her death wasn't the shock it might have been. And yes, I think it's very possible to be "grieved out".

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