Sunday 23 May 2021

Everybody does it

I was shocked to read of an Irish school where manipul-ative, controlling, pressurising relation-ships are so common the students think they're normal. They have no idea relationships are meant to be about equality, respect and kindness.

The majority of 200 students questioned about their relationships at a school in Tralee, Ireland, reported being constantly "told what to do, who to talk to, who to block, who to spend time with, and what to wear". The students said the behaviour upset them but "everybody does it".

I think back to my own time at school, and I can't remember anything remotely like that. Yes, there was a bit of bullying at my boarding school, usually just making fun of someone, but nothing as toxic as what these students are describing.

Social media is partly to blame, I'm sure. It's become so common now for people to criticise other people, and anonymity means they can be as abusive and threatening as they wish with no comeback. So abusive and threatening comments are normalised as routine behaviour.

Lack of self-confidence must come into it as well. If young people don't have the confidence to follow their own instincts, resist coercion and tell the person concerned to get lost, then things can only get worse.

It seems that today's students need lessons not just on what is and what isn't sexual consent, but also on what a normal relationship consists of - caring and affectionate behaviour that respects the other person's needs and wellbeing. It's extraordinary that anyone needs to be reminded of such things.

PS: I see that in England, the Department for Education has introduced a compulsory Sex and Relationships Education curriculum in all schools, focusing on relationships in primary schools and sex and relationships in secondaries.

16 comments:

  1. I can't think of anything like this from my time at school either. I just asked my 50 year old son about his time in school including a stretch in Boarding School and he too says that nothing like this existed. Times have surely changed. I wonder what has brought this change about.

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    1. Ramana: Quite a few factors I think. There's been a gradual shift to aggressive and abusive behaviour in various walks of life - from politicians, from journalists, from social media, from Brexit and anti-Brexit pressure groups, from pro transgender groups. It's alarming.

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  2. I don't remember anything like this eiher - so what the blazes are the school doing to allow it?

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    1. Fly: The report wasn't specific about that, but apparently the teachers were unaware that this was how their students now behaved with each other. Hard to believe, if they have any kind of sensitivity.

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  3. The article suggests it’s teens and social media, which has been an increasing issue for quite a few years. Unfortunately, parents have succumbed to peer pressure and now buy their kids smartphones at younger and younger ages. I’m sure articles will soon be stating it’s a problem starting in first grade, when they learn to read and write.

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    1. Bijoux: As soon as kids get smartphones they're at the mercy of warped ideas of sex and relationships and won't necessarily be exposed to any alternative models.

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  4. Well that's just sad. No wonder so many parents are opting for homeschooling.

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    1. Mary: I hadn't thought of home schooling from that angle. Yes, it would certainly avoid a lot of unhealthy influences.

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  5. I'm a retired secondary teacher. Allowing anyone to have too much control of your life is a tragedy.

    The gist of the problem is teenage peer pressure, an inadequate preparation from home (and I don't mean authoritarian parenting), titillating media; and the natural fact that you are going to have more followers than leaders.

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    1. Ann: I agree with your analysis of the causes. Teenage peer pressure is clearly very powerful. And I suppose also the desire to be "popular" which means falling in with questionable behaviour.

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  6. I feel that teenagers have always endured pressure to conform, and this is a modern manifestation. I hope they'll learn to deal with peer pressure.

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    1. Jenny: This strikes me as much more than pressure to conform. This is pressure to do exactly what others tell you to do, or you'll be ostracised.

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  7. I agree with Jenny Woolf. There was a lot of pressure at my school to conform - you'd get beaten up if you didn't!
    Sx

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    1. Ms Scarlet: There was certainly pressure to conform at my boarding school. Not just from the boys but from the masters and understood codes of behaviour. No beating up though, just a meaningful frostiness.

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  8. That sort of behavior didn't exist when I was in school years ago either. I didn't know until long after the fact that my daughter got a taste of it from a girl in her group of friends who was a year older than all the rest of them. Ironically, she later got a Harvard doctorate in child education -- never did apologize to my daughter for some of her antics though her mother who was a good friend told me years later her daughter had been jealous of our family.

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    1. Joared: Interesting that the motive for the other girl's behaviour seems to have been jealousy. And yes, she could at least have apologised for the way she treated your daughter.

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