Monday 21 September 2020

Domestic cocoon

It's still seen as normal to actively socialise. If you confess to being not much of a socialiser, or even preferring your own company to the company of others, you're still seen as a bit abnormal, a bit weird, a bit standoffish. You're dismissed somewhat disparagingly as "a loner".

I have to admit I'm one of the weird brigade. As Patti Smith says "I'm not a very social person. I could go days without talking to anyone in particular".

I like the odd chat with my neighbours or my book club mates, or my hairdresser. It's convivial and energising. But I don't need constant company. I'm very happy pursuing my own interests, thinking my own thoughts, wandering through the far reaches of my imagination. What more do I need?

I know most psychologists declare that socialising is good for your mental and physical health, and that too little socialising is bad for you, but that's a bit of a sweeping judgment. We're all different, and some of us are quite healthy enough keeping ourselves to ourselves.

I'm glad the hairdresser's daughter is thriving at her new school. I'm intrigued that the next door neighbour has taken up cycling. But I don't need these chance conversations to maintain my well-being. They're rather like that extra slice of cake that I don't really need because I've had plenty of cake already.

But the emphasis on a chatty "normality" means many people are still too embarrassed to admit they're reluctant socialisers. So when necessary, when they're obliged to mingle with others, they pretend to be eager to talk, or even to be the life and soul of the party. Then they thankfully retreat to their domestic cocoon.

Isn't one of the true pleasures in life lounging on the settee with a good book, oblivious to the rest of the world?

23 comments:

  1. Yes, lounging on the sofa with a good book and a snoring dog is a true pleasure - and even more of a pleasure after you've escaped from a chatterer.
    Sx

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    1. Ms Scarlet: I think I might be badly distracted by a snoring dog. But yes, non-stop chatterboxes are exhausting.

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  2. Being a non-socially dependent person, somewhat introverted, and an inveterate reader is good preparation for staying at home during the pandemic -- and that description is good for both Karen and I, though she does get in a bit more distance socializing through her blog and blogging friends as well as chatting online.

    I've probably read more books in the last 6 months than in any similar length of time ever. I'm also watching 2 to 3 hours of TV series episodes and movies each day while walking on our treadmill and getting in some outdoors work as well.

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    1. Mike: Yes, Jenny and I were quite content during the lockdown, as we're both happy with our own company. I began to pine for my favourite haunts though - like Caffè Nero and Pizza Express.

      And of course like you I'm socialising through my blog. And getting through a lot more books than usual - I think the bookshops are doing a brisk trade!

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  3. I lounge on my two recliners to read and watch the only TV program that I see five evenings a week for 45 minutes plus, I socialise via telephone calls, whatsapp and facebook. I also enjoy the few hours of morning crossword puzzle solving exercise. I am what is called an ambivert.

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    1. Ramana: You do a lot more socialising than me. At the moment I'm mainly talking to shop assistants and baristas!

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  4. I’m not sure socializers are seen as the normal end of the spectrum. It seems as though it’s a bell curve, with most people being like you. Not shy, but not going out of your way to chat someone up.

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    1. Bijoux: That's a good description of me! I usually only chat to people if there's something about them that intrigues me. Like the book they happen to be reading.

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  5. Our society is prejudiced in favor of outgoing people. I've even read in health newsletters that the more people one associates with the happier and healthier one is. They clearly haven't looked very carefully. That's why I love this article I read the other day:

    That certainly doesn’t mean that if you enjoy being around your friends that you’re unintelligent. But it does mean that the really smart person you know who spends much of their time alone isn’t a sad loner — they probably just like it that way.
    ---Evolution Made Really Smart People Long to Be Loners

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    1. Jean: I know people who are very gregarious but also have huge health problems, so the conventional wisdom doesn't stack up. Exactly, your "sad loner" may not be sad at all, they may be quite happy doing their own thing.

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    2. Jean: Some rather dubious "findings" in that link. And it rather begs the question of how we define "highly intelligent". But some interesting food for thought.

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    3. I agree, I don't like any argument arguing that introverts are superior or inferior to more gregarious people. But I did like the conclusion.

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    4. Jean: The simple fact is that "loners" may or may not be super-smart and may or may not be sad and lonely. We all react to our circumstances in different ways.

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  6. I do not like spending days and even weeks without talking to someone, having a conversation.

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    1. Joanne: I think most of us have conversations, even if it's only with the postman or the pharmacist. It would be hard to avoid conversations altogether.

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  7. "quite healthy enough keeping ourselves to ourselves."
    I pretty much agree. I don't have a NEED to get together. I would miss my brother very much. he provides the friendship I've missed since my Bob died. but I was always a happy child alone and I remain a happy adult alone. and yet I genuinely like most people and can easily chat with them if they chat.
    I just don't start the chat.
    go figure!!???

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    1. Tammy: That all sounds healthy enough to me. I was always a happy child alone too. I've never had any problem amusing myself.

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  8. I enjoy a chat....but prefer it to be brief. Though, having said that, i rather miss the journey on the bus to San Jose with an old lady telling me her life story...no need to do anything but nod and a great learning experience!

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    1. Fly: As you say, some chance conversations can be fascinating, as long as they don't turn into a long blow by blow account of every tiny occurrence!

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  9. I'm tired of all the apologetics around introversion

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    1. Kylie: You're right, what's all the apologising for?

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  10. When I go to parties - rare occasions in themselves thankfully - I hide in corners.

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    1. Liz: Me too. I'm terrible at engaging others in conversation. But if someone engages me, I can usually chat away quite happily.

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