But the number of times I've asked myself questions like:
"All they do is argue. What on earth keeps them together?"
"I'm told they never have sex. What on earth....?"
"She's totally sweet, he's a loud-mouthed alcoholic bully. What on earth....?"
"He never lifts a finger, he just sits around watching TV. What on earth....?"
"He has one affair after another. What on earth....?"
"All she does is whinge and moan. What on earth....?"
I guess there's some underlying motive or dynamic that keeps such couples together despite the baffling outward behaviour. It's all about money, or security, or property, or loyalty, or habit. Something strong enough to override the arguments and affairs and alcoholism. Something only they can appreciate.
A relationship you're sure is going to collapse at any minute lasts for 50 years. One that seems like the perfect match ends in divorce a few months later. There's no accounting for it.
Relationships are so intricate, trying to analyse one is a bit like being a novice at quadratic equations. Or the rules of chess. You're bound to make a fool of yourself because of your total ignorance of the complexities. Best to keep your thoughts to yourself.
Of course if someone actually confesses to a marital crisis and asks for your advice, that's another matter. And the crisis they reveal will probably be very different from anything you might have imagined.
As for my own relationship, Jenny and I have been an item now for almost 38 years. How extraordinary is that? So what keeps us together? Buggered if I know. Some mysterious connection that's impossible to comprehend. And even more impossible to put into words.
the one thing I have learned is to never bad mouth a friends partner if they split or are in difficulties invariably they get back together
ReplyDeleteI'm more surprised when couples who seem to get along well break up. One never knows what really goes on behind closed doors.
ReplyDeleteJohn: I never bad-mouth anyone when there's a split. Just as you can't understand a relationship, it's equally true that you can't understand where the blame lies for a split.
ReplyDeleteBijoux: I agree, it's startling when an apparently well-matched couple part company. I think the surprise is often because they've been so good at presenting a harmonious (but phoney) front in public.
I don't take sides when it comes to fractious couples. I usually like both of them for their differing qualities and, after all, they are not messing up my life.
ReplyDeleteHelen: A very sensible attitude. As you say, they're not impinging on your own life.
ReplyDeleteThe varieties of human nature —- I figure we’re all a bunch of nuts so who am I to judge. Andy and I have been married for over 54 years, and it’s no great secret. We’re both conscientious people and made a commitment.
ReplyDeleteDave and I started dating 55 years ago. We are not the same people now that we were as teenagers. The challenges of growing up at different rates within a marriage are many but I'm so glad we've managed to hang on through all of them. I am quite sure his family are surprised we've made it this far and still love one another.
ReplyDeleteJean: Good to know that your long-ago commitment has lasted all this time!
ReplyDeleteLinda: Very true that our partners are changing as the years go by, and if both of you can accommodate those changes and keep the relationship alive, that's quite an achievement.
I continue to be amazed at the couples who sit down and chat with me about their "stuff". Single me. But I never judge the stuff. It's always 50/50. And much of the time it's the secrets that have never been shared and carry a burden of some kind. Or unmet needs, interestingly never sexual.
ReplyDeleteBut dear Gawd, like yourself I know so many unhappy couples, the ties that bind usually financial or - spare me - the children (all adults, long gone). It's difficult to keep the mouth zipped.
Makes me grateful I am single. Last exploration with a man was about 6 months ago and confirmed my abhorrence of having a relationship.
XO
WWW
www: Interesting that the unmet needs are never sexual. I think what people are looking for above all isn't sex but things like closeness, affection, tenderness and sensitivity.
ReplyDeleteI had known Urmeela for eight years before we tied the knot and we were a couple for forty years thereafter. By all accounts, it was a successful marriage and like you, I don't know why it was. Prior to marriage, her family told me that I was making a mistake marrying her and my friends and mother told her that she was making a mistake marrying me. Perhaps that is why both of us had to live up to our own expectations rather than theirs!
ReplyDeleteRamana: It's a mystery, isn't it, why some relationships last and last while others gradually crumble. Clearly your respective families were quite wrong about you and Urmeela!
ReplyDeleteRummuser said, "Perhaps that is why both of us had to live up to our own expectations rather than theirs!"
ReplyDeleteAnd that's probably the main thing. Talking about your expectations of each other then trying your best to meet them. After all these years Dave and I are still doing that for one another. If you don't care enough about your partner to do that how would you expect to stay married?
Linda: I agree, sharing your expectations with each other is important. And if you're unable to meet those expectations, then accepting that shortcoming is the other crucial factor.
ReplyDeleteIf we're going to talk about giving relationship advice, I had a friend who did a spectacular job. he taught me that you can't force someone tolove you but you can hold your head high all the same
ReplyDeleteKylie: Good advice. Very helpful in your particular marital circumstances, I think.
ReplyDeleteAnd holding one's head up high is important in the rest of our lives too.
Despite everything we see from the outside, even if we’re intimate friends with others, I don’t think we usually ever see the full picture. Have to live with someone 24/7 for a period of time to get a sense of what can occur. Perhaps for some the act of verbally complaining provides a release that allows them to keep going on.
ReplyDeleteJoared: My father was always arguing with my mother. It may have been a release for him but certainly not for her. She was thinking of divorcing him at one point but then changed her mind, I'm not sure why.
ReplyDeleteOh human behaviuor is so complex. Have you noticed that it is really hard to describe a person to someone who knows them really well? They will often seem quite baffled by the description and say "oh, he/she has never been like that..." I guess it might be something to do with folk presenting different sides of themselves to different people... I think we all do it to some extent.
ReplyDeleteJenny: Very true. If someone described Jenny to me, I would probably have the same reaction. Are we talking about the same person? As you say, we all present different bits of ourselves to others. And we also omit different things, allowing for what we know of their personal beliefs and prejudices.
ReplyDelete