Saturday, 3 December 2016

Malicious rumours

Santa Claus has once again had to quash the constant rumours that he doesn't exist. In a statement today, he insists that he is very much alive and the claims of his non-existence are malicious and upsetting.

"Of course I exist" he said, as he poured me a generous glass of prosecco at his luxurious home, Santa Towers in Reindeer City, Lapland. "Here I am, as large as life, as you can see, working hard on the production of this year's Christmas presents. These mischief-makers should shut up and stop distressing all those children who're looking forward to Santa's annual visit.

"Every year I have to deny these absurd rumours that I'm just a fantasy figure who doesn't exist in real life. I may be extremely old, I may have had one too many on occasion, and I may be a little too plump for the smaller chimneys (I leave those to the elves). But I haven't yet kicked the bucket.

"My lawyers are dealing with the most persistent offenders, and they can expect to pay substantial damages to the Exhausted Elves Benevolent Fund."

Children everywhere have been devastated by the claims that he doesn't really exist. Five-year-old Lucy Gristle of Potters Bar, Hertfordshire, cried non-stop for a week after hearing the rumours. "She was inconsolable" said her mother, Melanie. "I tried everything to stop the tears but nothing worked. I don't know how people can bring themselves to start such pernicious tittle-tattle, knowing full well it will break so many children's hearts. They should be ashamed of themselves."

After watching Santa's TV interview, little Lucy is now over the moon and eagerly awaiting his visit. "He's so clever, he always knows exactly what I want" she said. "I only show my present list to mummy, but he finds out somehow and there they all are under the Christmas tree. I love Santa so much."


  1. I was 9 when I challenged my mother on the Santa lies. I was devastated.

    Is Santa one of the first pushes on the road to distrust? Organized religion being the biggest of course.
    I'm sorry I enforced it on my own kids.
    Scrooge me.

  2. I stopped believing in god before I stopped believing in Santa. Actually, in a way, I still believe in Santa!

  3. www: I was ten before I suspected something fishy! I believed in Santa long after I'd decided God was a famous fictional character.

    Hattie: Me too. Perhaps Santa only pretends he doesn't exist when he's trying to shake off the paparazzi?

  4. If you've never read Davud Sedaris' 'Santaland Diaries' it's a must read.

  5. Jean: As someone of a scientific bent, I bet you never ever believed in Santa Claus. I expect you demanded to see some fully-referenced empirical evidence.

    Bijoux: I've never heard of it. I must track it down.

  6. My kids thought Santa was a fantasy from about age five and I had no hesitation in enlightening them because I'm not really comfortable with the whole Santa thing at all. Unfortunately, most people are appalled by my attitude. It's like you risk the earth falling from it's axis if you tell a kid there's no Santa (or your kid tells their kid)

  7. Kylie: I can't see what's wrong with exposing the fantasy if your kids are already doubtful. I agree with you, why maintain the whole Santa Claus fiction in the first place? Why should any child have to believe this nonsense about a fat old man coming down the chimney? You might as well insist they believe in Red Riding Hood or the Wicked Witch of the West.

  8. a brilliant piece of writing nick.
    santa very well might just put you on his litigation team!
    you would make fine representation for him.
    I still believe.

  9. Tammy: I think he probably has all the lawyers he needs (mainly from that well-known law firm Sue Grabbit and Runne). They're as keen as mustard and pounce on the slightest hint of Santa-denial.

  10. As Christmas Day was not a public holiday when I was a child in Scotland - or if it was this was carefully concealed from me - there were no thoughts of Santa. As kids we hung up our stockings - well, winter socks - and knew that parents would be filling them to give us a treat.
    How nice to hear of Sue Grabbit and Runne again! They were far better known than their litigious rivals Bite and Leggit.

  11. Helen: And did you miss that traditional lie about Santa Claus? I doubt it. I also had Christmas stockings as a kid. I remember there was always a tangerine tucked into the toe!

    I was unaware of Bite and Leggit. Clearly they keep a lower profile and concentrate firmly on their clients.

  12. I never believed in Santa - an older sibling put me straight right away, but I do recall it coming as a shock to discover that the tooth fairy didn't exist.

  13. Scarlet: I can't remember when I stopped believing in the tooth fairy. Probably one morning when the tooth was still under my pillow and there was no sixpence!

  14. I once knew a young mother with three kids. she only had three tangerines.
    two were still in good shape but one was... shall we say... WELL PAST its prime?
    she put it into her youngest son's stocking toe... thinking he'd be too little to notice.
    from then on he talked about the year that 'santa' put "a rotten orange" in his stocking!

  15. Tammy: So embarrassing when kids remember those unfortunate incidents for years to come! If only you could go back in time and do it differently!

  16. Apart from anything else, if Santa Claus keeps going down chimneys, surely he'd be black with soot?

  17. The Italian Santa would be black in soot and very drunk; no milk, but a glass of wine for him.
    Greetings Maria x

  18. Maria: That sounds about right. Perhaps householders should hide the wine though to prevent him being totally incapacitated and unable to deliver any more presents?