Tuesday, 22 September 2015

Bedroom secrets

Okay, I know you're all dying to hear my bedroom secrets. I know your curiosity is killing you. But beware, you might be shocked to the depths of your being. You might be horrified beyond belief. You might even pass out or sob uncontrollably. Very well, if you think you can handle it, here goes:

1) I seldom sleep in, I seldom nap
2) I'm invariably asleep within ten minutes
3) I'm usually up and about by 7.30 am
4) I always have bad dreams
5) I sleep on my left side or my right side, never on my back or front
6) I find it easy to get out of bed in the morning
7) I prefer a nightshirt to pyjamas
8) I sleep naked if it's warm enough
9) I read books in bed but never newspapers
10) My bedside cabinet contains my watch, my alarm clock, my glasses and a book
11) I find it hard to sleep on planes
12) I slept for 13 hours straight after arriving in Vancouver Island, Canada
13) I never take sleeping pills - they don't work and just make me feel weird
14) There are no teddy bears in our bed
15) Our hotel room in San Francisco had the creakiest bed of all time
16) We slept on a futon for several years
17) We have single duvets, which avoids duvet-hogging
18) We have breakfast in bed every Sunday morning - toast and marmalade and a cup of tea
19) We change the bed linen every....so often
20) I can have a completely coherent conversation while I'm asleep
21) My sex life is none of your business

Er, that's it. You can doze off now. Or just have some toast and marmalade.


  1. I sometimes read the newspaper in bed, and then wonder why spiders crawl on my arm.

  2. I'm not much of a sleeper. Six to seven hours max. I've never taken a nap unless I've been ill. I've never fallen asleep on a plane.

  3. Susie: These spiders, they're too mean to buy their own newspapers....

    Bijoux: Me too. More sleep would probably do me good, but I can never manage more than seven hours. I find sleeping on a plane is next to impossible what with the lack of a proper bed, my hyper-alertness and all the activity around me.

  4. John: Oh, I'm usually hopelessly lost, or being chased by someone, or in some socially embarrassing situation. Mostly I don't remember my dreams, I just wake up feeling awful and frightened and it takes me a while to calm down.

  5. wow.
    wonderful insights into nick!
    1. i sleep nude except in the very dead of winter in which i opt for a soft t shirt.
    2. at my age and with the heart thingy going... i do worry about dying in my sleep alone and being discovered nude i guess. but then ... THEY would be embarrassed. not i.
    3. i never remember my dreams. as a child i had a claustrophobic repetitive dream of walls closing in on me. probably why i'm a minimalist. i am also claustrophobic to a degree.
    4. i sleep best on the floor. i have to have a FIRM surface.
    though i finally bought a bed. the mattress and box springs are on the floor though. not space underneath.
    5. i am afraid of night newspaper reading spiders. EWWWW!
    6. i sleep whenever i feel like it. no set schedule. i usually awaken very early though.
    7. and i LOVE that you and jenny have toast and marmalade and tea in bed every sunday. that's just darling!!!

  6. I also prefer to sleep in the nude.

    I do nap. I love napping. Napping is awesome. Apparently, there is scientific evidence that suggests napping is brilliant for your over-all health and well-being. It doesn't interfere with my sleep in the night.

    I seldom sleep through the night. Partly due to a restless cat.

    Dave and I do not cohabit and he doesn't sleep through the night either. We co-ordinate our pee-breaks.

    I am now a light sleeper.

  7. Funny post, Nick. Ever since you admitted to speeding not only do I like you more, you have become human.

    You prefer night shirts over pjs? Night shirts unless they are T-shirt short do tend to twist round your legs. "Sleeping naked"? Don't like it. Makes me feel vulnerable and, err, exposed.

    Separate duvets are a must - unless you are a toddler snuggling up to Mama.

    As to dreams, and I am sorry to hear yours freak you out a little, I currently have mice flying at me [in my dreams] and, as of last night and to add to the fun, two cockroaches too. Similarly to you, on waking, I sometimes find it difficult to sort reality from dream in an instant.

    What you must never do in your dreams is what I did: Sitting on a ledge. High up. Feet dangling. Nowhere to go. Down below someone stretching out their arms. In an effort to help me. Urging me to jump. Every time I hesitated, dithering, the ledge went up higher. Until it's all too late. I tell you, Nick, it's enough to make you throw up in real life [on wakening]. No bull. True story.


  8. Ooh, I like these sort of posts.
    1. I'm always up early.
    2. I mostly sleep on my front.
    3. I rarely remember my dreams.
    4. I'd like to sleep naked but I wear underpants for fear of the day I have to accost a burglar at 3am. It's hard to look menacing with your todger hanging in the breeze no matter how large your baseball bat may be (not a euphemism).
    5. I always read in bed.
    6. Being sent to sleep on the sofa is not uncommon thanks to my tendency to snore.
    7. I love brushed cotton sheets.
    8. Getting into a clean bed after a nice bath is one of lifes little treats.
    9. Going to bed late on Saturday night with a large glass of red and a bacon sandwich is even more satisfying than breakfast in bed.
    10. My own bed is always the thing I miss most when I'm on holiday.

  9. It wouldn't matter were it to be separate duvets or one...the dog will have the whole lot under her in five minutes - so it's a good job it's warm in the tropics.

  10. Tammy: Well, touché, wonderful insights into Tammy! The dream of walls closing in on you sounds very alarming. I'm glad I don't have that one. Yes, I doubt if the paramedics would be embarrassed by a nude sleeper - I bet they've seen a lot worse than that in their time!

    Rose: Napping does me no good at all. I usually wake up feeling worse than before the nap. It takes me a good half hour to feel normal again. My overall health and well-being seem to be just fine anyway.

  11. Ursula: Good grief, how could I not be human with all the 101 hang-ups and blockages I regularly confess to?

    Flying mice? Cockroaches? Feet dangling over a ledge? Your dreams sound as scary as my own. I used to have dreams where I fell off a ledge. Funnily enough, I always survived without even a graze.

  12. Dave: Fear of confronting a burglar naked in the small hours? That's a new one on me! I think if you were wielding a baseball bat, the burglar wouldn't be paying much attention to your dangling willie.

    Oh dear, relegated to the sofa - that's not much fun. Snoring can be very disturbing though. Luckily I don't snore very often, and not enough to be banished.

  13. Helen: Fortunate that we don't have a dog then. No chance of the duvet being filched by canine thieves.

    I wish it were a bit warmer here. I much prefer sleeping nude to being swaddled in cumbersome garments.

  14. Not too secretive at all.

    Try and remember the specifics of your dreams I am a good analyzer.

    At my age I'm a complete bore. But with a veritable treasure trove of bedroom secrets/stories.

    Funniest of all was a lover who recited his poetry in my bedroom while UNDER my bed.


  15. Good Lord Nick! You reminded me of marmalade. I haven't had some in decades. Off I go later today to the local grocer to get some and I shall indeed have some on crisp toast. Back to the good old days what??

  16. www: I seldom remember my dreams, they're usually gone the moment I wake up. Reciting poetry UNDER your bed? There's nowt so queer as folk, as they say.

    Ramana: Nothing like toast and marmalade. One of the simple pleasures of life. The only snag is all the crumbs that fall onto the duvet.

  17. Jean: What you've never had, you never miss etc. I don't think I even had a teddy when I was a kid. Which reminds me, whatever happened to teddies, the garment? They were fashionable for a while then vanished.

  18. I sleep naked always, even in the dead of winter. I have a nice down comforter when it's cold. I do wear pajama pants around the house after I get up, though. No teddy bears, I'm not a child. Even though we have a queen size bed and have plenty of room, we are pretty much always touching when we sleep. I have vivid dreams, both good and bad. I often have periods of insomnia and often lie awake with my mind on overdrive. My fiancé, on the other hand, can fall asleep mid-sentence, and snores. Good thing I love him. I believe strongly in having a comfortable bed, which includes and egg crate foam pad, a mattress pad and high thread count Egyptian cotton sheets. I figure you spend so much time in bed, you should make it a luxurious place. I change the sheets every week. We never eat breakfast in bed, but drink coffee in bed every morning.

  19. Agent: That's a very comprehensive reply! The falling asleep mid-sentence reminds me of my strange habit of having a completely coherent conversation while I'm asleep. I'll wake up in the morning and Jenny will refer to a conversation we had last thing and I won't remember a word of it.

    I see what you mean about a luxurious bed. A pad under the mattress and a pad over it - that's comfort indeed! We're happy with just a mattress, but maybe we don't know what we're missing?

  20. Interesting Post, Nick. Being on my own, I have the choice of three bedrooms and switch between them several times in the year. We would need a heatwave for me to sleep naked, otherwise I get 'dressed' for bed. My body slows down so much when I sleep,it is difficult to see if I am actually breathing. Mammy used to keep a small mirror in my room so she could hold it close to my face to catch any sign of breath. Now I wake frozen to the bone, often with arms heavy and solid like marble. Heck, if I die, I'll never feel cold again!

  21. I sleep talk as well, but not always coherently! But both those pads are on top of the mattress. I like a very firm mattress but with layers of softness on top of that. My fiancé says it's the most comfortable bed he's slept in.

    I forgot another sleep fact - although I'm kind of cold natured and freeze in the winter, at night I absolutely radiate heat.

  22. Grannymar: My mum's metabolism also slows right down when she's asleep, and when she's sleeping here I constantly wonder if she's still alive! She also sleeps like a baby, which is more than I do.

    Agent (it has to be you!): I'm very hot bloodied both during the day and at night. I also radiate heat when I'm asleep. Jenny says I'm like a furnace!

  23. Oops - I was signed into the wrong account! Yes, that was me. And my younger son is just like that - we named him "the human heater."

  24. Agent: Yes, Jenny often says it's like having a radiator in bed.

  25. 11) I think I would find it difficult to sleep on a plane, considering the speed they fly at. I prefer to sleep in the plane.

    18) I loved waking up on a Sunday morning to the sound of the cathedral bells and my wife in the kitchen downstairs scraping the toast for my breakfast in bed.

  26. Keith: Scraping the toast? You mean it was burnt? You should have volunteered to make the toast instead....

  27. Bedroom secrets? I have one. I'm kind of embarrassed by it.

    My husband and I sleep in separate rooms.

    This came about after he had a major surgery and chemotherapy 4 years ago. He was often either sick or else uncomfortable and would be awake at odd times. I had to work and needed to sleep uninterrupted. Separate beds were just practical for a while. That's when we first got into the habit.

    Then there's the fact that I snore, and my husband struggles with insomnia......and often our work shifts are different.

    In any case, it works for us, although I'm afraid it makes it sound like we don't love other. (We really, really do!) And of course, we're both welcome in each other's bed at any time.

  28. Jennifer: I don't see anything wrong with that. I think quite a lot of couples sleep in separate rooms. For all sorts of reasons as well as the ones you mention. They like to go to bed at different times or get up at different times, or one of them likes to watch TV in bed while the other likes to read or whatever.

    It doesn't mean they don't love each other. On the contrary, they're allowing for each others' habits and preferences.

  29. Me? Make the toast? I'll have you know that I am a fully qualified male chauvinistic pig and proud of it! My ex-wife told me so! I have always believed a woman's place is in the kitchen, and a man should be looked after by her.

    My ex-wife was so lazy that I sometimes had to call her three of four times to come upstairs to wash and dress me for work! Unbelievable.

  30. . . . . .and if you believe that, then you are as daft as me! Ha.

  31. Keith: It's sad that you're still so bitter about your ex-wife. Bitter enough to make her the butt of your strange sense of humour. I think you're demeaning her and demeaning yourself.

  32. Nick, if someone had gone out of their way for 36 years to make your life hell you would feel the same. Even now I still get get nasty phone calls and emails.
    End of matter.

  33. Keith: Can you not change your phone number and change your email address?

    And can I be really impertinent and ask why, if she was making your life hell, you put up with it for 36 years?

  34. Nick, having come from a broken home myself, parents divorced at an early age, it was wartime, I was neglected and suffered with psychological problems even at 7 years old.

    I married the wrong woman, but I was determined to see that my children had a proper family upbringing so I stayed with her until they were old enough to go to university and stand on their own two feet, even though I had to keep up the pretence that we were a happy family; and it paid off thankfully!

    Then I got rid of the useless wife. I have blocked her emails, they go straight into the spam folder, and I just read them, have a laugh, and delete them. Such fun!

  35. Keith: I'm sorry to read all that. You've obviously had a very difficult life. At times a quite distressing life. But you do seem to be oddly fixated on someone you should have left behind a long time ago.