Friday, 30 May 2014

Our bed

The famous artwork by Tracey Emin, "My Bed", is to be auctioned at an estimated price between £800,000 and £1.2 million. That's an impressive income from a bunch of tangled duvets and a heap of personal effects like vodka bottles, condoms, fag ends and tights.

Clearly this is the way to finance my retirement. Our bed is an equally important and ground-breaking work of art, and I'm prepared to sell it for a very modest £500,000. If that isn't the offer of a lifetime, what is?

That bargain price-tag includes:
  • Two duvets with slightly darned covers
  • Three pillows of various thicknesses
  • A nightshirt (mine)
  • Pyjamas (Jenny's)
  • A lot of crumbs (from breakfast in bed)
  • The odd grease stain (moisturiser? marmalade? ointment?)
  • A mislaid sock
  • Some crumpled tissues
  • A dead spider
  • Some toenail clippings*
The giveaway price reflects the lack of any vodka bottles, condoms, fag ends or tights. However, these can be added by the new owner as required.

The bed, with all its evidence of lives fully lived, of a relationship fully realised, will be a fascinating addition to any art-loving household. Hurry, before it's snapped up by a Chinese investor! Or set on fire by an envious rival artist!

NB: Batteries not included. Not to be used by children under five. Suitable for vegetarians.

*the above list might or might not be true.

Pic: Tracey Emin, "My Bed"


  1. I was seriously thinking of buying it, but the thought of living with a dead spider put me off. Thanks, but no thanks!

  2. Keith: Easily solved. I'll lose the spider and knock a tenner off the purchase price.

  3. The problem much do you have to pay Saatchi in commission?

  4. Another's trash is someone else's . . . Art? Honestly, what talent does this really take?

  5. Helen: Oh, Saatchi won't be involved. Especially after the Nigella Lawson business. I shall pocket the entire half a million quid. Woo hoo!

    Bijoux: Ah, the thorny question of what makes a work of art. My work of art is your load of old bollocks etc. Which is why I adore modern art, because it provokes this fascinating question all the time.

  6. I'm afraid I love my own bed and wouldn't sell it for a million dollars.

  7. Does your bed have a pocket in the mattress to hoard my millions?

  8. Hello Nick,

    Just one question......are you still sleeping in this bed, Nick?

    Will it come with vacant possession to the lucky new owner?

  9. Jean: Not even for a million bucks? Your bed must be very special. Does it make your morning cup of tea for you?

    Grannymar: What, you have millions? I can install a special safe if you like. Only you and me (oops, only you) will know the combination.

  10. Jane and Lance: Oh yes, vacant possession guaranteed. With the £500,000 we shall buy a luxury bed with pure silk bed linen and employ a beautiful androgynous houseboy to make us breakfast in bed.

  11. You left out the resident mouse nest - always an essential part of any really cosy bed I think :)

  12. Jenny: No mouse nest at present, but we're happy to customise the bed for the eventual buyer. Mouse nest, squirrel droppings, cockroach infestations - anything can be arranged, and all included in the purchase price.

  13. Looks like my son's bed. Hopefully without condoms.

  14. Susie: I expect an awful lot of boys' beds look like that. Hopefully without the vodka bottles, fag ends and tights as well. But probably with a pile of soiled shirts and jeans that SOMEBODY needs to wash.

  15. I see you have one huge problem with all this Nick, you didn't think of it first.....


  16. www: But imitation is the highest form of flattery, right? And it's the ideal opportunity for anyone who missed out on the original....

  17. Just let me know when the bidding starts!

  18. Ramana: The bidding is expected to be fast and furious. You'll have to be really on the ball to keep up with the soaring price. Be warned!

  19. How much did Ms Emin's bed go for in the end, do you know?

  20. Liz: It doesn't go for auction until July. But I'm sure the purchase price will be well publicised by the media!