Friday, 4 January 2013

Just in case

Just in case you ask me what I was doing this afternoon, I can report the following:

I wasn't walking the dog.
I wasn't eating chocolate.
I wasn't reading War and Peace.
I wasn't building a model of the Taj Mahal out of matchsticks.
I wasn't buying a bra.
I wasn't writing a sado masochistic soft porn novel.
I wasn't feeding the baby.
I wasn't making a birthday cake.
I wasn't dialling 999.
I wasn't watering the aspidistra.
I wasn't laughing till I wet myself.
I wasn't filling in my tax return.

Oh no, my afternoon was singularly uneventful. It was distinctly prosaic. It was noticeably humdrum. I could have invented some highly amusing incident. Or a bizarre pastime. Or a terrible disaster. But they would be lies. They would be wicked fabrications. Having perpetrated such untruths, I would be unable to live with myself. I would be unable to show my face in decent society. I would have to hide from public view. I would be a pariah.

Of course I always suspected 2013 would be like this. Uneventful, prosaic afternoons. Not walking the dog. Not dialling 999. Once again not discovering the meaning of life. Once again not knowing where that strange whistling noise is coming from. Once again not understanding the term "fiscal cliff". That's what 2013 was bound to be like. You could see it coming a mile off. There was no mistaking it.

Just in case you ask me what I was doing this afternoon....


  1. This afternoon I wasn't working. Sat at desk, sat in front of PC. Definitely not working though

  2. Macy: Just think, you could have used that time to make a model of the Taj Mahal out of matchsticks....

  3. Suburbia: What are you implying, that I was actually doing something far too embarrassing to divulge?

  4. "I wasn't wearing a bra?"
    Are you sure?

  5. John: I wasn't buying a bra, nor was I wearing one. My tits aren't that big, I'll have you know.

  6. A typical January day for me!

  7. I'm wondering where you're finding decent society.
    My search has turned up zero.

  8. Bijoux: Really? I had no idea we were so similar. Sure you weren't watering the aspidistra?

    www: Well, what pretends to be decent society. Well-ironed clothes and well-ironed opinions. Of course, scratch the surface and the lunacy comes pouring out....

  9. this afternoon i went to the shops to escape the heat and bought myself three new items of clothing. i havent done that in a very long time.
    i had coffee with my daughters and i washed dishes.

    i know you didnt ask but i wanted to tell you.

    2013 seems to be disappointing you nick but let me tell you that those who are bored are boring (is that how the saying goes? something like that, anyway


  10. Nick, I know what you were doing for the afternoon: Sitting in the hutch contemplating the rabbit, but it is our secret and I'm not telling.

  11. Kylie: Oh no, 2013 isn't disappointing me at all. All my negative references are totally tongue-in-cheek but my deadpan delivery always sideswipes somebody. Sorry about that.

    Having coffee with Briony and Caitlin sounds good to me. And buying new clothes!

  12. Grannymar: No no, the rabbit was contemplating me. She wanted more lettuce but I reminded her she was on a strict diet.

  13. clever rabbit owners dont give them lettuce! far too hard to clean up after :)

  14. Kylie: Really? So what is your recommended rabbit cuisine? Not peanut butter ice cream, I hope.

  15. No, I was not asking, but it is nice to know what you were not doing. A prosaic life style appeals to me too. I would die of ennui with a poetic one.

  16. Ramana: Actually not many of my afternoons are prosaic. Some of my afternoons are quite lunatic. I'm sure the lunacy will soon reappear.

  17. hahaaa well you know what? rabbits should mostly have hay because lots of other things are too rich and they get fat but a nice little treat is peanut butter :)

    true story

  18. Here in the UK we haven't reached afternoon yet, but yesterday afternoon was more fun than I thought it would be. We walked the dogs, and then went off to choose new recliners, ours being about twelve years old and sagging. Think we found some, which is quite exciting - no more backache!!!

    We have a Laz-E-Boy sofa, but sadly they don't do that model anymore. The nearest we could find was 'Memphis' which comes in a nice creamy colour which almost matches. Trouble is, it'll take twelve weeks for the darn things to arrive!

  19. Kylie: You were right. My imaginary rabbit is very happy with the imaginary hay. She wolfed it down at top speed.

    Jay: We haven't succumbed to recliners yet, we're still content with our standard armchairs and settee. Neither of us is prone to backache luckily. Enjoy your new toys when they finally arrive!

  20. Presumably you did all those things in the morning, lark that you are, and had to rest in the afternoon.

    Merry, merry!

  21. But what were you doing THIS afternoon, nick?

  22. Eryl: How did you guess? It was a bit of a rush to finish the novel, but I polished off the last sentence at 11.58.

    Liz: Ah, this afternoon I wasn't emptying the crumbs from the toaster and I wasn't reading Ulysses.

  23. I'm sure dialing 999 has some meaning, but how is it different than not dialing any other three numbers?

    I actually had a pretty eventful day that day, but that's not necessarily a good thing.

  24. Agent: Oh 999 is the number for emergency services in the UK.

    Pretty eventful, huh? I hope the events were enjoyable and not tiresome....

  25. Oh, like our 911.

    Enjoyable, definitely. Not tiresome, but tiring. And confusing as all hell.

  26. Sounds like a lovely afternoon, Nick! i hope you have many more like it :)

  27. Agent: Absolutely. But 999 sounds much more urgent somehow....

    Speccy: So do I. I mean, who wants to waste their time watering aspidistras or reading War and Peace?