Saturday, 18 August 2012

A codger's duty

To be a genuine, 24 carat old codger*, it's not enough to dismiss something as unusual, hard to understand or a bit foolish. You have to work yourself up into a vortex of spleen, go red in the face and declare that it's disgusting, repulsive, stomach-churning and degenerate.

Take for example:
Pierced lips
Arse-hugging shorts
Purple hair
Artworks featuring tampons, unmade beds, toilets or bleeding eyeballs
Any form of sex other than missionary position with the lights off
Films featuring homeless disabled stuttering lesbian drug addicts
Breastfeeding in public
Unsuitably dressed fat people

If you're religious, you could also find such things unGodly, sinful or blasphemous. If you have sexual hangups, you could find them indecent, obscene or pornographic.

You should always voice your condemnation as loudly and as witheringly as possible, ensuring the person concerned hears every word.

You should declare firmly that "normal" people don't need to "go to such extremes" or "call attention to themselves". They don't need to be "deliberately offensive" or "setting out to shock". Normal people are "happy to blend in", "happy to be one of the crowd", "happy to hide their light under a bushel".

And should someone be impudent enough to try to defend the disgusting/ sinful/ indecent whatever, then simply don't listen to them. Obviously they're defending the indefensible, so just take no notice and act as if they're in the grip of some juvenile and irrational obsession.

Old codgers know that someone has to take a stand against the relentless tide of filth, smut and perversion that's sweeping the country, and if they shirk their duty, it could be the end of civilisation as we know it.

Old codgers know that pierced lips and tattoos are just the first steps on a slippery slope to perdition. It's up to them to stop the rot.

* or of course an old crone 


  1. Ha ha!!!
    Sometimes it's fun to be a grumpy old party pooper.

  2. OMFG:

    I stumbled upon my father's blog!


  3. Scarlet: I don't find that. I'd much rather be a kind and understanding friend than a grumpy old curmudgeon. In any case, there's too many grumpy old curmudgeons already.

    www: Eeek! If that's an accurate reflection of your father's character, OMFG indeed!

  4. What? You mean I am damned for wearing purple suede hot-pants to a party on a good Friday in holy catholic Ireland?

  5. oh dear! for sure i'm gonna be run out of the church and all civilised society!

  6. Grannymar: Purple suede hot-pants? Disgusting! Repulsive! Take them off immediately or confront the flames of Hell!

    Kylie: From what I hear, most of your behaviour is utterly scandalous. You must wrench yourself from Satan's grip or face eternal damnation!

  7. I thank heaven every day that I'm one of the normal ones! No codger or crone could ever find fault with my pure, innocent conventionality.


  8. Leah: Ah yes, your pure innocent conventionality is legendary. No one could ever accuse you of sordid, squalid perversions. In fact for many years you have been my role model for decent behaviour in a corrupt and cynical world.

  9. From one old codger to another, give up. They don't listen just as the old codgers did not listen when the latter were young codgers.

  10. Ramana: Well, they bloody well ought to listen. They should stop moaning and open their ears and minds for a change. Anyway, it's not true that you don't listen, you're extremely aware of all sorts of new trends and opinions.

    All old codgers should be sent to the Old Codger Rehabilitation Unit at Shepton Mallet.

  11. I think I shall take up old-cronying; it sounds fun.

  12. Liz: Only if you want to drive away all your friends, methinks.

  13. My husband says, "If I were younger I would work up a towering rage about this. But I don't have the energy anymore." He's very pleasant to be around.

  14. Monk: Yes, I sometimes feel like that as well. Not just because I don't have the energy but also because I doubt if my complaints will have any effect.

  15. He's joking when he says it. Another of our favorite sayings is, "They didn't ask us." The "they don't care what we think" is implied. No sense wasting our energy on something futile.

  16. Monk: Exactly. "They don't care what we think" is often all too true. Complaints are filed in the waste bin.

  17. I'm printing this out to stick on the fridge as a handy guide.

  18. Paul: Oh, so you fancy yourself as a grumpy old codger? Or is this a memo on what to avoid?