Saturday, 6 November 2010

Old and past it

I'm devastated to have to tell you that I'm being replaced as the presenter of nickhereandnow on account of being "too old and wrinkled and generally past it."

The new presenter will be gorgeous, pouting Veronica Trinket, aged 25, the glamorous supermodel and fashionista. "I'm looking forward to this exciting new opportunity" she gushed. "I don't know anything about blogging but I'm keen to learn."

I had an unexpected phone call from Simon Hatchett, Human Resources Director of the British Blogging Corporation, on Friday morning.

"I don't like to say it, Nick," he said, "but someone has to. There's a general feeling that you're a bit over the hill and due for retirement. To be frank, your face looks like a mountain path and your eyebags are bigger than my wife's tits. A bit of botox and plastic surgery might do the trick, but I hear you believe in natural ageing."

"I certainly do" I spluttered. "You heartless monster. You moronic crowd-pleaser. Don't you realise I'm the one who creates the unique flavour, the special ambience of nickhereandnow? How can that possibly be left in the hands of some gormless anorexic coat-hanger? Are you insane?"

Needless to say, my protests fell on deaf ears. I'm dispensible, I'm yesterday's cheeseburger, I'm a laddered pair of tights. I've got to go, the sooner the better.

But I'm not taking this lying down. I shall join the sacked BBC Countryfile presenter Miriam O'Reilly (53) who is suing the BBC for sex and age discrimination, and sue the pants off Mr Hatchett.

And don't be surprised if gorgeous, pouting Veronica is involved in a very nasty accident.

Pic: starving but wrinkle-free Veronica Trinket


  1. You have got me worried Nick. I am much older and more wrinkled and perhaps my eyebags may be even bigger!
    And there are just too many Voluptua Trinkets around here.

  2. Ramana - Just watch your back, you could be next for the chop. The purge of the wrinklies is under way.

  3. I love this Nick! Spot-on, as usual. I also heard there is a strike at BBC over pensions? The radio here wasn't overflowing with details...Perhaps you know?

    As for wrinklies, I think they're fab!

  4. Please don't go, we love you don't go! Specially sung by the queen of wrinkles!

    I'll join you on the protest march and we will show that Mr Hatchett a thing or three about wrinklies!

  5. e - This is the second day of the strike by BBC employees over a plan to reduce staff pensions. Many programmes have been cancelled or curtailed. There may be another strike over the Christmas period.

    Many UK companies have been reducing staff pensions and I expect US companies are doing the same. At the same time oldies are still being thrown out of work. So how are we expected to survive?

  6. Grannymar - Ooh, I thought I was the queen of wrinkles, darling! Ah yes, a protest march, that's what we need. To Mr Hatchett's country mansion maybe.

  7. Get yourself a blond wig, he won't know the difference.

  8. Nick,

    Most US companies now no longer provide traditional pensions, instead opting for a 401k account to which the employee contributes and which is often subject to the volotility of the stock market...

    The days of traditional pension and health are long gone. As for 50and up being thrown out of work, the phrase "involuntarily retired" is often used when those of a certain age, sacked, can't find another job. It's a big, scary world nowadays. Some say the US version of capitalism and constant consumption is at the root and thus fruit of a poisonous tree...

    I think part of the answer lies in re-organisation and putting a halt to being a debtor nation. We can produce those things that shore up our aging infrastructure and transport systems and find ways to make cities and towns more liveable. This could create jobs; another step is to penalise businesses that put jobs overseas and give some incentives to small business rather than giving the bulk to corporations.

    Unfortunately, Americans tend to think their taxes are too high and as these things take money, many will never be fully realised, having been condemed as tax and spend schemes. We won't have the health systems of our EU allies simply because of outmoded ideas concerning "socialism," which under examination, are unfounded.
    The quality of life here will continue to decline and as someone who is often treated as a second class citizen, I and others like me will bear the brunt of others stupid politics and those who place politics above general betterment.

  9. Maybe having a face for blogging is today's equivalent of having a face for radio.

  10. Eryl - Hmmm, I'll have to do something about the facial hair as well. And the big feet are a bit of a giveaway....

    e - It certainly looks like a big scary world in the US where so many people are screaming for the end of "big government" and a return to everyone fending for themselves. If people want to pay less tax and see any government initiative as "socialism", the future looks pretty bleak for anyone who's struggling to survive.

    Secret Agent - Yes, and I have the ideal face for blogging. Every visitor can create their own ideal image of me....

  11. Oh you silly man, it is all about the corporate pigs at the trough these days, eliminating anyone over 40 who will suck their companies dry for pensions and health care. Disposable, that's what we are along with our nappies and spectacles.
    Us greyheads (oops black in my case) need to unite and plan a coup.
    Yes, what did I just say, a COUP.
    We elect you president of Blogoria.
    Feel better?

  12. www - Corporate pigs at the trough indeed. The pay for chief executives goes up by around 15% a year while the rest of us get our pay frozen or are "let go". President of Blogoria, eh? Do I get a palace and a fleet of limos with that?

  13. Go Nick!! If I could get ANNOYED about anything to do with current media it would be the complete disappearance of women over 40 - other than as a novelty turn on Strictly Come Dancing.
    As a licence paying woman of 40+ I EXPECT to see not only Miriam but also the likes of Moira Stewart, Valerie Singleton, Arlene Phillips, Selena Scott. All airbrushed out.

  14. Macy - Absolutely, it doesn't matter how much wisdom and experience a middle-aged woman has gained, if she no longer looks young and sexy, she's in trouble. I hope Miriam wins her case, that might just change attitudes a bit.

  15. How horrible... good luck to Miriam!

  16. Terra - I'll keep you all informed if I hear the outcome of the case (but sometimes lazy journos don't bother to follow a case right through).

  17. I'm being replaced by a surgically enhanced foetus.

  18. Scarlet - Goodness, that's smart thinking. Obviously twenty somethings are already a bit past it and even toddlers are showing the early signs of human wear and tear. Only embryos are guaranteed unblemished.

  19. thank heavens someone realised that we need something pretty to look at

  20. Kylie - How very dare you. Isn't my brain pretty enough for you?

    Heart - I know, it's all downhill from here. It'll be teenage brain surgeons next.