Tuesday, 31 August 2010

Wight trashed

Britain is today stunned and alarmed by the mysterious disappear-ance of the Isle of Wight and its 130,000 residents. Where the island should be, there is now only open sea.

The captain of the Southampton to Cowes ferry noticed at 8.13 am that the island was no longer there. "I couldn't believe my eyes" he said. "it was simply gone. I thought we must be sailing in the wrong direction but no, we were right on course. I tell you, I was knocked for six."

Relatives phoning island residents get an unobtainable signal. Brenda Pargeter of Leicester said "I'm desperately worried about my sister Betty. I've no idea whether she's alive or dead. How can an island just vanish?"

It seems there are no witnesses to the disappearance. It happened with no warning, in a matter of minutes. Police and Coastguard officers have mounted a massive search operation around the coasts of Britain, Ireland and France.

Already several theories have been put forward to explain the missing island.

* A sudden explosion ripped through it. But no debris has yet been found.
* It has drifted to another location. But this would happen slowly enough to be noticed.
* Collapsing foundations submerged it. But again, no debris or dead bodies have appeared.
* A powerful underwater vortex has sucked the island to the bottom of the sea.
* A colossal atmospheric force sucked it into the sky. It is now orbiting the earth.

The Association of British Travel Agents has advised holidaymakers with bookings on the island that in the event of it not reappearing in the next few days, full refunds will be made.

Anyone with information about the missing island is asked to contact Southampton Police urgently on 023 1010 2121.

Pic: where the island used to be


  1. Amazing anyone noticed its dissapearance - not a lot has even happened there has it apart from I think Jeremy Irons was born there?

  2. Emma - Jeremy Irons was indeed born there. Clearly he triumphed over inauspicious beginnings. The increasingly dotty David Icke, who believes a secret group of reptilian humanoids controls humanity, also lives on the island.

  3. david icke DID live on the island, until it mysteriously disappeared

    or did you slip up in that comment and unsuspectingly tell us the REAL truth??

  4. There's an easy explanation: it was absorbed by the Wight Triangle.


  5. I heard on the radio that Jeremy had it towed to his castle in West Cork to enhance his work on his memoirs as he was drawing such complete blanks on his childhood.

  6. Well, all I can say is thank goodness I can cross an item off my 'places to visit' list. Seeing as it (the list) stretches around the planet at this point, every little bit lost is some money saved...

  7. Kylie - Of course that should have been DID. But he's probably been rescued by the reptilian humanoids.

    Val - The Wight Triangle, yes that must be it. That would also explain the mysterious disappearance of the cruise ship Atlantica near Portsmouth in May.

  8. www - Thanks for the tip. I've alerted the Gardai in Cork, they're off to interview him right now.

    Megan - Careful, don't say that, or they'll all steadily vanish until the only one left is the Siberian salt mines.

  9. Is it April already? Did I miss Christmas, again?

  10. Scarlet - Good heavens, what are you suggesting? That I've made the whole thing up? This isn't the Daily Mail, you know. Mind you, I'm not sure the Isle of Wight ever existed in the first place.

  11. What a pity Nick. I was so looking forward to visiting it. Do you think I can snorkel to see if it is still there? I have done a bit of that around the Andamans.

  12. Ramana - I hear the area is heaving with snorkellers and divers trying to find the island. You should join them, you might be the first to spot Cowes!

  13. I thought I spotted it floating around the NY Harbor along with some of those giant rubber duckies.

    but that was only after I looked it up to make sure you weren't lying.

  14. Leah - It's in New York? Goodness, those old-fashioned offshore Brits will be totally disorientated! Yellow cabs, gangsta rap, bagels, baseball. They won't be able to cope....