Friday, 11 December 2009

Doctor M's breakthrough

After over a year of intensive therapy with the venerated Dr Melissa Flinch (Shrink of the Year 2007, Mind Mender Award 2008), it seemed we were getting nowhere. I was the same tangled, confused Nick as the day I started.

I lay gloomily on the couch, gazing at the faded portrait of Sigmund Freud. Melissa sat gloomily on her cane chair, examining a chipped fingernail. Suddenly her eyes lit up.

"Of course, of course" she exclaimed. "How stupid of me, it's all so obvious, it's been staring me in the face all this time."

"What has?"

"There's nothing wrong with you at all. All these neuroses and phobias and obsessions you claim to have. All these crippling hang-ups and complexes. They don't exist. They never did."

"Come again?"

"You're actually completely sane, your psyche is 100% healthy. But you pretend to have all these afflictions because you think it makes you more interesting. You think lots of gorgeous women will see your tortured soul as an exciting challenge."

"No no, you're way off track there."

"Well, I've got news for you, Mr Screwball. Nobody enjoys a loonie. They run a mile. People want normal, conventional, reliable. They don't want some Psycho Simon with a hatchet in his pants. So why don't you just drop the act and show me your real self?"

I thought now wasn't the time to reveal the sharpened hatchet in my Armani man-bag. I played for time.

"You're barking up the wrong tree, Melissa. I really am thoroughly dysfunctional. I hardly know if I'm coming or going. I could flip at any time. I need help desperately."

"Okay, Nick, your time's up. See you next week. You don't have any nail restorer, do you?"

"Sorry. I've got some rather splendid magenta nail polish though."

"That'll do nicely."


  1. LOL!

    You should have the mind-mender award- after all, laughter is the best therapy!

  2. I can't wait for next Friday. Assuming of course you will keep your date with the shrink of the year!

  3. Dr. Flinch's gambit was waaaay off base. Men with tortured souls and magenta nail polish are very attractive.

    ; )

  4. Cinnamon - Laughter is good therapy, for sure. I don't think I qualify for the Mind Mender Award though. Mind Warper Award more like.

    Ramana - Ah yes, what will Dr Melissa discover next time? My most squalid secrets are about to be unveiled....

    Leah - Are you flirting with me? I must say snow-melancholy and chronic anxiety are veeery attractive too.

  5. Hah! that totally made my day.

  6. That Kylie, now she's a saucy little minx too. I bet she's got plenty of magenta nail polish. And strange obsessions she doesn't want to tell us about.

  7. That hatchet in the pants thing, Nick, I sure hope you're not gunning (ahem!) for even more attention as a castrato?
    Lordy what men do for a little tea and sympathy!

  8. Haha . . surely the red nail polish is to prevent the ladder in your stockings from running?d Magenta is so last Tuesday!

  9. www - Me a castrato? Good heavens, I know I'm effeminate but there are limits. I'll take the tea and sympathy though. I can always find a pretext for sympathy.

    Baino - Damn, rumbled. How did you know about the ladder? Magenta may be last Tuesday in Kangarooland but here in Bulldogland it's totally right-now.

  10. Ah ha, you are found to be as normal as the rest of us. For some strang reason that's comforting.
    "Shoot out at the OK Coral" is the best polish color...

  11. Brighid - Hey, interesting idea, nail polish with a "manly" name so butch men will be comfortable with it! We could start a whole range - Gunfight Red, Car Chase Blue, Gangster Green....

  12. When you're done offing Dr. Flinch, could I borrow that hatchet?

  13. Heart - By all means. It's lovely and sharp!