Wednesday, 3 September 2008

Down in the mouth

The tooth fairy who’s so shamefully neglected Heart has been neglecting me too. I have a raging tooth abscess that makes eating or drinking virtually anything extremely painful. It’s the first time I’ve had an abscess and I sincerely hope it’s the last.

Clearly that feckless tooth fairy has been down the Wand and Tutu with her hedonistic Fairyland mates, happily supping the fairy nectar and forgetting all those mere mortals relying on her diligent protection. I’ve already sent a furious email to the Fairyland Directorate.

I went to the dentist because of a persistent toothache. Liz couldn’t see anything wrong so she took an x-ray and then showed me the nasty little shadow creeping around the root of my molar. That’s an abscess, she explained in her most professional, seen-it-all-before, nothing-to-worry-about tones.

There are two options, she added. Either extract the tooth or suck out the toxins and do a root filling. I looked round for the tooth fairy to ask her advice but she still wasn’t there. There weren’t even any lingering traces of fairy dust on the windowsill. She had obviously gone on a week-long binge without a care in the world and I was on my own here.

Well, since as some of you know I’ve only got 26 teeth anyway, I decided to defend my poor little molar and prevent it being sacrificed to the forces of bacterial darkness. I shall endure the rigours of the dental chair to save my frail, embattled chopper.

I’m sure it won’t be that bad. It can’t be worse than waxing, surely? Or maybe it can. I hope Liz has the epidural organised. And maybe a few bottles of whisky, just to be on the safe side.

In the meantime, I’m taking a course of high-dose antibiotics to clear the infection and hopefully the pain. At the moment chewing my favourite foods is more like chewing a rose bush. Jenny’s culinary expertise is wasted on my failing machinery.

If I ever catch up with that wretched, indolent tooth fairy, she’ll get a piece of my mind. And I’ll confiscate her magic wand for a week. That’ll wipe the grin off her face.

PS: It’ll all cost me an arm and a leg because the whole surgery’s just gone private and I carelessly hadn’t got round to signing up with a new NHS dentist. Rats.

Good grief! Jesus with an erection! Whatever next?


  1. Root fillings aren't too bad.If you're a bit strange like me when the they singe the rods that are put into the gap (I'm not used to dental terminology)it's nice to smell the burning.Have Fun :-)

  2. Dave - What, burning as well as pain? This is going to be quite an experience. As long as I don't go up in flames....

  3. Poor Nick! I had root canal done on one of my incisors last year. Apparently there had been an infection and I didn't even notice. The nerve in the tooth was dead so no anaesthetic required. It's inconvenient though because you have to have two or three visits to complete the task! As for the cost? Well I have private health cover and it still cost me a fortune. Dental isn't highly covered here and the public dental system is too hard to get into. Burning? Well that's a new one on me! I feel your pain!

  4. Burning LOL.It's the elastomer filling that is heated and when I'd one done it smelt like something was burning. Maybe it wasn't that, maybe their was something wrong with the Black & Decker the dentist was using and so the bit wasn't left ... ;-)

  5. My sympathies, Nick. I've undergone so much in the dental chair and not a whiff of the Tooth Fairy when I needed her most. Massive benders will be the death of her.
    As to Jesus, he must have responded to one of those many emails I get inviting me to expand my member.

  6. Because of the greedy dentists in this country, dental health is the only thing our fantastic Medicare does not cover and I woved not to get private health insurance just in case I need dental treatments... Well, having said that, I need to go to the dentist, no pains yet but i can feel something happening and fear the worst! So, I will be coughing up dollars soon enough my friend. I know how you feel. My aunty is a dentist and the few little fillings she did lasted me about 15 years and still going. But it's far more expensive to fly to Turkey I reckon. :o

  7. Baino - a root filling by an NHS dentist is very cheap (£45) but private dentists charge anything they fancy. I should have been better organised.

    Dave - Ah, a special kind of filling. No idea if she'll use that.

    www - Tooth fairies eh? Where are they when you need them? Yes, I guess even the holiest can be tempted by dodgy emails!

    Gayé - It's ridiculous when health cover doesn't cover dental treatment, or not completely. It's a known fact that bad dental health can affect the health of your whole body, including your cardiovascular system.

  8. I HATE going to the dentist - you have my sympathies. Just make sure the juice you upo on painkiller!

  9. Quicky - She's pretty good on making everything pain-free, so hopefully I'll only be vaguely aware of all the heavy-duty engineering work.

  10. Fingers crossed Nick. Nasty business altogether.

    I am "sans dentiste" at the moment so I am well and truly stuffed if I have any problems.

    Private dentistry scares my wallet.

  11. Muddy - Sans dentiste is bad, very bad - as I've discovered. Sign up with an NHS dentist ASAP before you end up being fleeced! (and also to keep the NHS going!)

    At least the pain's almost gone now, thanks to the wondrous amoxycillin.

  12. So sorry, Nick.

    You don't want to know what my extractions on Thursday will cost as we no longer have dental insurance.

    In America, the tooth fairy only visits little children who have lost their baby teeth. When I was a kid, the going rate was a quarter but it's probably a thousand or so now. Lucky kids.

  13. Heart, extractions here are quite cheap, even done privately, which is why the extraction rate is unfortunately rising nationwide. And our tooth fairy protects adults as well - or so my mummy always told me.