How on earth....

One thing that's mystified me for many many years is how someone is able to kill another person - or even thousands of people - without any regret or remorse or guilt or shame or any of the normal emotions that would prevent most of us from doing something so appalling.

They might even brag about what they're doing as if it's something to be proud of - like Nicholas Prosper, who wanted to commit the biggest school massacre ever (and luckily was stopped in his tracks).

They just don't see their victims as human beings but as worthless objects to be "dealt with" in the name of some sort of personal grudge or grievance or festering hostility. Something has obviously gone horribly wrong in their upbringing.

I couldn't possibly injure another person, let alone kill them. I couldn't possibly do something with such horrendous consequences both for me and for the other person - no to mention for their family and friends. How could I possibly justify my action? Likewise I couldn't bring myself to commit suicide.

As for those individuals who're happy to start wars and kill thousands or even millions of people - I can't imagine how they manage to sleep at night, how they're able to continue with their duties as if nothing unusual is happening.

It just stupefies me. The mental state of someone who can do such things is so far removed from my own mental state that the gap is unbridgeable. I can't even begin to understand what's going through their mind. Can anyone?

One thing it makes very clear - you can never know what's going on in someone else's head. Maybe something wonderful. Or maybe something utterly hideous.

Not a patriot

It's trendy these days to back patriotism and nationalism. Meaning being proud of your country, overlooking its faults and shortcomings, and regarding other countries as second-rate.

Well, I'm not joining the trend. I'm not at all proud of my country, I'm well aware of all its faults and shortcomings, and I think there are plenty of countries that are doing better than ours.

What's to be proud of? A failing economy? Collapsing public services? Widespread misogyny and trolling? Rampant racism? It's not a country to be proud of but one to be embarrassed by.

I was last proud of my country probably in the 1970s, when there was a definite sense of a society that looked after its most vulnerable citizens and wanted everyone to have a satisfying life. I grew up at a time when there were no tuition fees, unemployment benefit was generous, and salaries and working conditions were much better than they are now.

It's just embarrassing when the government flaunts union jacks at its news conferences. Or when people wear union jack tee shirts. Or when football fans wave the St George's flag, the flag of England. Are they really proud of their country? It's hard to believe.

But it's awkward when I happen to live in a country I'm not in any way proud of. I tend to sidestep any conversation that turns to patriotism unless I know the person shares my own views. It could turn nasty.

A lack of empathy?

Someone once said to me that I was totally lacking in empathy, in fact that I was the least empathetic person she had ever known.

Which surprised me (apart from the extraordinary rudeness), because I've always seen myself as an empathetic person. And because nobody else has ever accused me of the same thing.

Maybe I'm fooling myself. Maybe I am indeed short of empathy but I fondly imagine the opposite.

Empathy is harder if someone is going through some experience I've never had, like pregnancy or a terminal illness, but that doesn't mean I lack empathy.

In some ways I think I have too much empathy (if such a thing is possible). I really feel for all those people around the world who're living in desperate circumstances - victims of poverty, disease, genocide, civil war, and so many other horrific situations. There's no way I can just shut it all out and focus on my comfortable everyday life.

I empathise easily with those who're victims in some way, who've been badly treated and exploited by others. How could anyone not empathise with them?

It may be that I empathise quite easily but I find it hard to express that empathy, so people think I'm a bit cold. I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing so I say nothing.

But people do have some very odd opinions about me.

Laptop tensions

People have mixed feelings about those individuals who use coffee shops as their office and tap away at their laptop for hours, oblivious to those customers who can't find a seat because they're occupied by the laptop brigade.

Journalist Emily Watkins is a staunch defender of WFCS (Working From Coffee Shops) though she thinks a lot of laptoppers abuse the coffee shops' indulgence by misbehaving in various ways.

She says they often linger for far too long (sometimes several hours), they spend the least amount possible, they talk on their phones, they use Zoom, and they stay put even when the coffee shop is full to bursting.

Whenever we go to our local Caffè Nero, there are always two or three people busy on their laptops and acting as though they're perfectly entitled to be there. And yes, it can be hard to find a vacant seat.

Some coffee shops, like Starbucks, are clamping down on the laptop workers and either banning them altogether, or imposing a strict time limit for being there, and charging them if they want to stay longer.

Most coffee shops lose out financially to laptop workers, as they tend to spend the bare minimum and usually a lot less than other customers.

Personally I think they should be banned from coffee shops altogether as they're not bona fide customers and wouldn't be tolerated in other shops. That may seem draconian but it's very simple - coffee shops aren't offices.

Do not touch

Can you believe it? People can't resist touching the statue of the fictional Molly Malone in Dublin city centre - and in particular touching her breasts. The constant touching has led to discolouring - and offended locals.

Now 23-year-old student Tilly Cripwell is campaigning for Dublin Council to repair the statue and raise it to a less accessible level.

Unfortunately several tour operators have included the statue in their list of local attractions, encouraging more physical contact. Also an urban myth has emerged that touching the statue's breasts will bring good luck.

Dublin Council says it's considering the campaigner's requests and has asked for cost quotations for carrying out the work.

I've never actually seen the statue in situ but I can understand the objection to visitors casually groping her breasts as if that's okay ("It's only a statue" as some of them put it).

The Council could put up a "Do Not Touch" sign but how many people would take any notice?

Molly Malone isn't a real person of course. She was a legendary Dublin woman who sold shellfish in the city streets. She's the subject of a traditional folk song that's now the city's unofficial anthem.

Anyway, the next time I'm in Dublin I'll check out the statue - and see if anyone's fondling it.

PS: The lyrics are here: https://www.google.com/search?q=molly+malone+lyrics

Till death us do part?

Considering how long marriages are now meant to last - maybe 60 to 70 years - it's not surprising that so many spouses get restless and start looking elsewhere.

At one time people died in their 30s and there was barely any time for disenchantment to set in. Even when I was young people still died in their 60s so marriage didn't last nearly so long. But still we pledge to stay married "until death us do part".

So it shouldn't really be remarkable that after a while some people find their marriages stale and unfulfilling and start affairs or abandon the marriage altogether.

Jenny and I have been lucky enough to stay together despite our ever-changing personalities and opinions. Whatever differences we've had were never enough to drive us apart. I suppose the key thing that unites us is a shared political perspective. If one of us abruptly became a fervent right-winger that would separate us for sure.

When a marriage breaks down the spurned partner can be devastated, but with today's marriages lasting so long such a breakdown has to be seen as a possibility from the start. You can't assume you'll still be together a few decades down the line.

Some people may say that a successful marriage flows along of its own accord, but I don't think that's true. In my experience you do have to work at it, before minor disagreements and annoyances turn into serious rifts.

By this stage of course there's little chance of Jenny or I suddenly starting a passionate affair, but who knows?

Not ready

It's appalling to learn that so many children starting school nowadays lack all sorts of basic skills and abilities like using the toilet, climbing a staircase, reading books, or even getting dressed.

Their deficiencies are so common that the government is to introduce a checklist of skills that children should possess by the time they start school.

Teachers are increasingly finding that on top of their normal teaching functions they're having to do things like changing nappies and helping children up the stairs - things parents should have taken care of long before start of school.

As I recall from my early schooldays, there weren't any children who lacked such basic skills. It would have been totally shocking if they had. My mother obviously had a very clear idea of what school readiness meant, and would have been mortified if I'd turned up at school in nappies.

It seems a lot of young children are simply not getting enough exercise and not using their muscles enough to strengthen them because they spend so much time looking at screens.

While nine out of ten parents considered their child ready for school, teachers said one in three children weren't. Some parental education is plainly much needed.

All emotional

It's the norm these days that we should all express our emotions as much as possible, and if you tend to keep your emotions to yourself that's not healthy.

Well, I'm one of those emotionally cautious types, trying not to express my feelings publicly unless they're positive and helpful rather than damaging.

Many emotions are harmful (jealousy, contempt, hatred, resentment, to name a few), yet people casually fling them around as if they're harmless.

One result is the ferocious hatred directed at celebrities on social media, and the bitter conflicts over things like transgender, immigration and diversity.

It's a cliché that therapists tend to ask "how do you feel about that?", as if feelings are the key to very problem. But that isn't the case. Often it's the way you look at a situation that's the key and not feelings.

Expressing your jealousy or resentment that someone else is doing better than you are at something won't help the situation, but working out why that person is doing better and following their example would be a lot more productive.

I missed out on the jealousy gene altogether and I've never felt jealous about anyone. It makes more sense to focus on my own life and how it's going.

There are plenty of emotions swilling about inside me, I just prefer to express them prudently rather than freely.

Open to question

Neither Jenny or I have ever been diagnosed with a mental disorder, but it seems mental illness is becoming increasingly common. Is this really the case or are a lot of those diagnoses arguable?

In all my time at two different schools I don't remember anyone having a recognisable mental illness, except maybe the boy who committed suicide. Obviously there were boys with personality quirks but nothing more serious than that. So why are mental disorders now so widespread?

Some health professionals believe the epidemic of mental illness isn't what it seems. People may be more willing to accept they have a mental disorder. Therapists might be more likely to diagnose one. What was once seen as simply odd behaviour may now be seen as a mental disorder. And there are new mental disorders to apply to people - like ADHD.

So the jury's definitely out on the explosion of mental illness, and whether it's a real increase or not.

Certainly severe mental illness is just that and can't be explained away. An old school friend of Jenny's was seriously schizophrenic and killed herself at the second attempt. She was clearly very disturbed, had crazy fantasies and constantly alienated other people.

Then again mental illness may simply be an understandable reaction to someone's rotten life situation. If I was being badly treated at work, or by my spouse, or by my family, and I was living in a crumbling, mould-infested flat, and I was heavily in debt, I think some sort of mental disorder would be almost inevitable.

Breadwinning

Jenny and I have never believed in the idea of the male breadwinner, or all the ideas that go with it, like a man being ashamed of not earning enough, or not earning at all. Or the man not doing some glamorous, enviable job but some unglamorous job like a barista.

Jenny and I have never been bothered by which one of us is working or which one of us is supporting the other.

I supported her when she was studying for degrees and she supported me when I was unemployed. By the time she retired she was earning much more than me but neither of us saw that as a problem. Certainly I was never ashamed of failing some masculine expectation about working or not working.

Nor did it matter that I spend many years working in humble bookshop or admin jobs for a very modest wage (and thoroughly enjoying them).

But I gather a lot of men are still hung up on the old male breadwinner formula and get quite eaten up if they're not fulfilling their required gender role. And it seems a lot of women are still under pressure not to overshadow their men workwise.

The statistics: in 29 per cent of marriages both spouses earn about the same amount of money. Some 55 per cent of marriages have a husband who is the prime or sole breadwinner and 16 per cent have a breadwinner wife.

So the male breadwinner pattern is a long time dying.

PS: I missed a few comments on previous posts because I no longer get comments by email. My apologies if someone has been overlooked.

No stopping

Over-tourism again. A woman is complaining that while she was hiking in the Peak District in Derbyshire her parked car was damaged and she got a parking fine. She wanted to witness the sunrise, after seeing videos of the Mam Tor beauty spot on social media.

She was parked near a clearway sign that means no stopping. She assumed that because lots of cars were parked on the road she could do the same.

She admits parking near the clearway sign, but blames the road authorities for not building more car parks or adding extra road signs.

There are several responses to that. Firstly, she should have obeyed the road sign and not copied the other motorists. Secondly she should have realised that all the parked cars were narrowing the road and it was highly likely that her car could be damaged by a large vehicle. And thirdly, there are plenty of places to view a sunrise and she didn't need to drive to Derbyshire from her home town of Milton Keynes, a 250 mile round trip.

No wonder so many places are blighted by over-tourism if people don't have the common sense to go somewhere that's not already far too popular and plagued by thoughtless visitors.

There's no need for more car parks or extra road signs. What's needed is a bit more savvy about where you're planning to go and the havoc caused by hundreds of day trippers like you descending on the latest trendy beauty spot.

Jenny and I are fond of Castlerock, a seaside village on the north coast with a population of around 1160. Usually there's hardly anyone about and it's wonderfully quiet and peaceful. But everyone flocks to nearby Portrush, which in the summer is overflowing with visitors.

Nowt so queer as folk.

Pic: the summit of Mam Tor

Frail and doddery

There's a plethora of stereotypes about older people, most of which are nonsense - or at least they apply to some oldies but not to others. For example:

• We're dripping with wealth
• We're frail and doddery
• We're overwhelming the NHS
• We don't like young people
• We're living in the past
• We're intolerant right-wingers
• We're terrified we'll be mugged - or burgled
• We drone on about our medical problems

Well, let me see now. How many of these stereotypes apply to myself?

• Dripping with wealth? I'm well-off but not wealthy
• Frail and doddery? Not yet. Still pretty healthy
• Overwhelming the NHS? I hardly ever need a doctor
• Don't like young people? Only if they're stupid or nasty
• Living in the past? I've been on the internet for decades
• Intolerant right-winger? I'm a dyed-in-the-wool leftie
• Terrified I'll be mugged? Not in this low-crime neighbourhood
• Medical droning? I never mention my health issues to others

Stereotypes are just that, aren't they? One-sided clichés that never give you the full picture of anything. Stereotypes of young people are just as one-sided and incomplete as the stereotypes of oldies.

The stereotype that really annoys me is the idea that we oldies are overwhelming the NHS. If the NHS was properly funded, properly staffed, and properly equipped with up-to-date machines and technology, then it would cope very well, oldies and all.

Well, we can dream....

Cushy or what?

I've never been in prison, or even visited prison. I don't know anyone else who's been in prison (unless they're hiding it of course). So my knowledge of what it's like to be in jail is nebulous to say the least. It comes entirely from second-hand sources like books and the media.

And naturally there's a wide spectrum of impressions and it's up to me to decide which impressions seem more credible than the others.

Some say prisoners are pampered. They have all mod cons like TVs, computers and mobile phones. They have free board and lodging and no bills to pay. Being in jail isn't a punishment but a cushy number. After all, some ex-prisoners deliberately commit new crimes so they can return to prison!

Others say prisons are horrific places and not in any way cushy. Prisoners have to piss and shit in their cells, they're stuck in their cells for 23 hours a day, they get raped by other prisoners, they hardly ever see their loved ones. Not to mention their deteriorating mental health.

I guess the reality is that prisons vary immensely, and while some may be fairly bearable others are hellholes of cruelty and violence.

It's noticeable that prominent public figures tend to be spared the worst jails and get placed in the more hospitable ones, like the so-called open prisons that have the least restrictions on movements and activities.

If I ever ended up in jail, there's no way I could survive such a brutish existence. I would go completely mad in a matter of weeks. How other people endure jail for decades on end I can't imagine. Their resilience is extraordinary.

Standing firm

My mother (Audrey) would never have called herself a feminist ("they're so strident and aggressive and obsessed"), but she nevertheless believed in women being strong and not being pushed around by men.

She stood up to my father when he opposed her wish to train as a teacher (or a schoolmarm as he put it). He wanted her to stay at home and be the diligent housewife she had always been. He didn't want anything to interfere with his cosy domestic routine.

But my mother resisted him and went ahead with learning to drive and then training as a primary school teacher. She knew that if she didn't follow her long-standing urge to try her hand at teaching she'd always regret it.

She taught for something like ten years and adored every minute of it. She loved helping her pupils to improve their reading and writing and maths and simply encouraging them to enjoy learning.

As it happened, my father died just a few years after she retired and his intransigent stance died with him. I don't think he ever came to terms with my mother's steadfast resolve to follow her own path.

I thought her attitude was wonderful and I supported her every inch of the way. It would have been a terrible shame if on her death bed she had voiced her regret at not having done something she dearly wanted to do.

I never asked her, but I imagine she was very pleased that women today are encouraged to be whatever they want to be and make the most of their abilities.

To be or not to be

Much controversy over the proposed demolition of Grenfell Tower, the 24-floor London tower block that was consumed by fire on 14 June 2017, killing 72 people and injuring many more.

Some people say it should stay there to recall the tragedy and all the careless mistakes that led to the inferno. Others say it should be demolished as it's an unwanted reminder of a dreadful disaster, forever traumatising those who want to put it behind them and have some kind of closure.

My opinion is neither here nor there as the tragedy never affected me personally, but for what it's worth I'm in favour of demolition.

Surely keeping the tower there acts as a disturbing trigger for any sensitive person who walks past it or sees it from their window, and would rather not have the awful reality of that day constantly thrust at them.

Those who want to preserve the tower say its presence stops people from forgetting the disaster, but did New Yorkers forget about 9/11 after the remains of the twin towers were destroyed? Of course not.

Apart from anything else, the tower requires regular maintenance to ensure its structural safety. Can it withstand really strong winds like those of Storm Eowyn a couple of weeks back?

Those who favour demolition are planning a remembrance garden or a memorial to mark the tragedy. That seems more sensible than maintaining a burnt-out and rotting shell for years on end.

PS: The Ministry of Housing says engineering advice is that the tower is significantly damaged and will get worse with time.

Pic: Grenfell Tower

Those were the days

I've always said I'm not a nostalgic person. Meaning I don't look back longingly at some earlier time as some sort of golden age and wish I was there and not here.

Except that actually I'm doing something remarkably like that. I look back at the Britain of 50 or so years ago and I do think life then was a lot better than it is now. There seem to be more and more things today that look like a step backwards and not a step forwards. Things that were better than now:

• Houses were much cheaper
• Rental fees were much lower
• Less cumbersome technology. Fewer passwords, pin numbers, memorable words etc.
• Less misogynistic abuse and hatred
• No social media
• People were more polite and more considerate
• Less traffic on the roads
• Tourism hadn't got out of control
• No Airbnb
• Flying was more comfortable
• University education was free
• No smartphones and no need for them
• Villages weren't full of vacant second homes
• We weren't besieged by news
• Politicians were more serious and more competent
• Transsexuality hadn't been taken over by fanatics
• Much more council housing (public housing)
• More public toilets
• Fewer dangerous leisure drugs
• Less anti-social behaviour
• No food banks

That's a pretty impressive list of "how things were better". I'll have to stop denying I'm nostalgic and start furtively harping on about the good old days. Then I really will be an antiquated old codger.

PS: Jenny has corrected me about misogyny. She says it was much worse - and much more blatant - when we were young.

The neighbour from hell

I'm always fascinated by those acrimonious neighbour disputes that just go on and on for years, disputes that surely could have been easily resolved a long time ago with a bit of common sense and compromise.

This one is a splendid example. Yoga teacher Kristyna Robinson endured seven years of misery from her upstairs neighbour Sandra Eveno, until the landlord, the local council, obtained a repossession order on Ms Eveno's flat and she was forced to leave.

Ms Eveno had shouted and screamed unremittingly, had tried to take over their shared garden, had accused Ms Robinson of drug dealing and gang violence, and had made false allegations to her other neighbours and her employer.

Ms Eveno was ordered to pay £15,000 towards the council's legal bills.

Hopefully this will end Ms Robinson's seven-year ordeal - unless Ms Eveno continues to pester her former neighbour despite having moved out.

Clearly Ms Eveno's irrational behaviour suggests serious mental health issues, but I can't see her seeking therapy. More likely she'll persecute her new neighbours just as badly and get evicted again.

We had a similar neighbour dispute when we moved into a London flat in 1993. The young lads downstairs held late-night parties every few days. We asked them to have fewer parties but they took no notice and in the end the local council imposed a huge fine for noise nuisance and they moved out.

We had another neighbour dispute in a previous flat. One of the downstairs occupants had a persistent hacking cough, and when we tentatively told him it was disturbing us, his response was to let our car tyres down.

Which is why we're now glad we live in a detached house with no neighbour nuisance whatever.

Fragile trees

At about 5 am on Friday morning Jenny and I were woken by a very loud thud from outside the house. We discovered that our magnificent eucalyptus tree in the back garden had been blown down by the ferocious gusts of Storm Eowyn and was completely blocking the road.

At about 5.30 am we saw that our huge pittosporum tree behind the kitchen had also been brought down by the storm. Luckily it didn't damage the heating oil supply pipe close by or we would have had a further problem - oil leaking everywhere.

Fortunately a tree surgeon came past later on a visit to a neighbour's house where two more trees had collapsed, and we arranged to have the eucalyptus tree cut up and removed yesterday morning.

Now of course Jenny and I have to decide whether to replace the eucalyptus or not to bother. We're inclined not to get another as it has shallow roots and is more vulnerable to strong winds. I'm told they're also more liable to fall if they're in moist soil, which weakens the roots. And guess what Northern Ireland is known for? Quite a lot of rain....

We probably won't replace the pittosporum either, as it was too close to the house and also has shallow roots.

Trees are very beautiful, they provide shade in the summer, they provide places for birds to nest, and they're good for the environment. But they're not so appealing if the little blighters decide to fall down and it costs us an arm and a leg to have them removed.

But I guess the two trees had a good run for their money. They were at least 20 years old and were lovely to look at.

Pics: Pittosporum tree (top); eucalyptus tree (below)

Self medication

Of course we all self medicate to some extent. We attempt to avoid all the palaver of seeing doctors or going to hospital by trying some recom-mended medicine or diet or exercise routine.

Except that some people think they actually know better than doctors, take things to an extreme and cause themselves and others serious harm.

It's horribly sad when people are convinced they can cure their cancer with some sort of natural remedy or unusual health regime, and end up not only not being cured but maybe dying much sooner than they would have done.

It's even sadder when parents harm their own children by subjecting them to an extreme diet - vegan or macrobiotic or whatever - which children can't digest properly and which lacks vital nutrients. Even when the child is visibly sick and in need of emergency medical treatment, they still insist the diet is health-promoting and refuse to give it up.

I just wonder how anyone can be so stubborn and so irrational as to pursue a self-chosen "treatment" based on nothing but subjective belief.

A Florida mother who fed her three children on a strict vegan diet of raw fruit and vegetables was jailed for life for killing her 18 month old son. He was severely malnourished and weighed only 17 pounds (8 kilos) when he died.

If I had some severe illness, I would never presume to know more than the doctors and pursue some eccentric regime I'd seen on social media or heard someone gossiping about. I'd assume the doctors knew better than me, even if they might sometimes get things wrong.

Self medication has its limits.

Shunning the jab

There's concern among health professionals at the declining take-up of vaccines, especially among young people. They're worried about the misinformation spread online exaggerating the risks of vaccines.

Some four per cent of the population resist vaccinations, either for themselves or for their kids. They're concerned about the safety or side effects of vaccinations, they think their child doesn't need protecting, or they believe vaccines are not very effective.

But many more people were kept alive by the covid vaccine than died, despite anti-vaxxers claiming that many people have suffered harmful after-effects.

Personally I've never suffered any serious after-effects from vaccines, and I've had loads of vaccinations in my 77 years on the planet - flu, shingles, tetanus, covid, and all the childhood vaccinations for things like measles, mumps and rubella.

But I know of people who've developed long covid, which is about two million people in the UK. Fit and healthy people have suddenly become bed-ridden and their lives have been drastically curtailed.

Long covid doesn't follow vaccination though, it only follows an acute covid infection. In fact a covid vaccination tends to limit a covid illness and prevent long covid. So refusing to have a vaccination is irrational.

Of course you can say that if I myself had developed long covid I wouldn't be so enthusiastic about vaccinations. Maybe so, but all I can say is that I was vaccinated and luckily I had only very minor after-effects.

Objecting to vaccinations seems like throwing out the baby with the bath water.