I think it’s one of the most insulting things you can do, to
listen to someone with only half an ear as if what they’re saying isn’t really
important or interesting or valid. As if you’ve got something much more
exciting lined up and you’re only listening to them out of politeness.
In today’s hectic world, it’s so common to be thinking of
something else while you’re outwardly paying attention. What you were doing an
hour ago, or what you’ll be doing in an hour’s time. Some domestic or marital
or family crisis. A big news story. Some detail of the other person’s clothing
or appearance. Anything but the full content of what they’re saying.
I think I’m listening to someone carefully. Then they say
something that makes it clear I was miles away. The row with their husband?
What row? When did they mention that? And I have to somehow tease out the
details without revealing that I had drifted off for a while.
Listening, true listening, is a huge talent that many of us
don’t possess. We have to keep on working at it. It always astounds me when
someone really listens to me, so attentively they can recall every little
detail of what I told them, even things I barely mentioned.
The trouble is, we’re all so busy nowadays that we’ve got
used to only half-attending to people, and used to other people only half-attending
to us. A lot of the time we don’t even realise we’re distracted, we think we’re
fully present. It comes as a jolt when something makes our inattention glaringly
obvious.
The psychoanalyst Stephen Grosz says that what every
person wants is to know they’re worth thinking about, that they’re not just an
irrelevant nothing. And you can only feel that if other people are fully
engaged with you. Nobody likes that glossed-over feeling.
