Anya Meyerowitz thought that having lots of friends would make her feel better about herself. She seized every opportunity to make new friends but all that happened was that her friendships became more and more superficial and unsatisfying.
"Where I got to instead was a place where I found many of these hurriedly acquired friendships to be draining, tiresome and anxiety-inducing. The more I weaved my way into other people's lives, the less I felt a sense of community. I was juggling a full social calendar that left me feeling empty."
Not a problem I have to deal with. My opportunities for making new friends are strictly limited as I've been retired for 6 years and my only regular socialising is with my monthly book group and a few residual friends.
It seems a bit naive to think that the more friends you have, the happier you'll be. Obviously you'll have less time to spend with each one and inevitably the friendships are likely to get shallower. More is less, you might say.
It's interesting that she managed to keep so many friends for so long. I think for most of us friends come and go quite quickly. You discover something off-putting about them, they move somewhere many miles away, they turn out to be hopelessly needy, or you simply don't have the time to keep in touch.
Anya doesn't tell us what she did after her sudden disillusion. Did she have the nerve to discard half her friends? I'd love to know.
I'm only close to a few people - and they include friendships from secondary school. And then I have a couple of almost close friends locally! Meaning I am more guarded around them.
ReplyDeleteI like my blogging friends as although I understand that these relationships aren't built on anything solid, they are refreshing, and I find it easy to be myself on this platform.
Sx
Ms Scarlet: I like it that I can have very frank exchanges with my blog friends, even if I've never met them in everyday life.
DeleteI have quite a few friends who I’ve known for at least 50 years. I actually don’t think you can have too many friends.
ReplyDeleteBijoux: Interesting. You must manage to keep in touch with them all despite the numbers.
DeleteMy closest friend died several years ago from lung cancer. Another went out of my life because she went fully to the political dark side. I used to have a horse business, so there were always people around, some of whom I was casually friends with. That went away when I shut down the business. It seems my friendships are now people I know online. I am also a guarded person in real life. I unfortunately live in a n area where the families go back generations so that after 30 years living here, I am an outsider. All this to say, no real in person friends anymore. Fortunately I have the personality for that.
ReplyDeleteSandra: You sound a bit like me, with most of your friendships being online. I can be a bit guarded with most people, but blogging somehow enables me to open up and confess to all sorts of quirks. Jenny and I have been in Belfast for 25 years, but to the locals we're still "blow ins" rather than real Northern Irelanders.
DeleteI have a couple of good friends who live in Europe...here, I have a couple of people who are becoming friends....it takes years with me, I'm afraid.
ReplyDeleteFly: I just don't run into anyone I feel a rapport with. Most of the people I meet tend not to venture any further than bland small talk.
DeleteI know a lot of lovely friends through clubs that I belong to but only 1 good friend that I spend lots of time with. I also keep in touch with friends from many years ago when we worked together, but sadly don't see much of each other nowadays.
ReplyDeletePolly: You must be better at socialising than I am. There aren't many local groups I fancy joining and I've never made any close friends among the neighbours.
DeleteI used to be quite social and attended and hosted events and did lots of volunteering. But, now all my friends are online. I found the covid restrictions easy to follow and never did start going out again. We haven't even been to a restaurant gathering since 2019.
ReplyDeleteLinda
Linda: That's an interesting switch from people-in-the-flesh to online friends. And no restaurant visit since 2019, that's amazing!
DeleteThis was a good post topic, Nick, as I was thinking about friends who have passed and how much I missed them. I know many people, and while none are considered close friends, I keep in contact as often as possible through calls, cards, emails. I appreciate the virtual friendships through blogging and it has been a pleasure to meet some in person.
ReplyDeleteYour comment that you and Jenny were still “blow in” after 25 years hit home. When we moved to a small VA town, we were still considered “come heres” despite living there for nearly 12 years, we were not “born heres.”
Beatrice: The virtual friendships are just as inspiring and "real" as in-person friendships, even if you never meet each other in the flesh. Blogging has certainly enriched my life.
DeleteI miss the many friends who have died, who walked beside me through thick and thin. I wrote recently that I don't really have any living close by me now. It's true. Most here are emotionally unavailable or flit in and out.
ReplyDeleteXO
WWW
www: I also find a lot of people are emotionally unavailable and there's no scope for a close friendship, only pointless small talk.
DeleteI have a couple hundred social media friends but real in person friends I would say 1 or 2.
ReplyDeleteMary: I guess that applies to a lot of people, they have far more online friends than in-person friends.
DeletePeople use the term "friend" too loosely.
ReplyDeleteIt's cringeworthy how many, not least in blogland, will claim this "friend" and that "friend" when, in truth, they are, max, acquaintances - to be dropped at the drop of less than an unwelcome observation.
Talking of "friends" in blogland and, by golly, the mind boggles: The counting of "followers". That is not quality control. That's just BS and deceiving yourself.
For me the Litmus test of true friendship is whether you'd lend me, unquestioningly, a thousand whatever denomination, and wouldn't be disgruntled if I'd phone and wake you in the middle of the night because I need an ear and trust yours. And, of course, vice versa.
U
Ursula: Well, I use the word friend to mean someone I'm regularly in contact with, rather then a close friend, which obviously denotes something deeper and more solid. Yes, followers don't mean very much when most of those "followers" never read the person's blog but just casually signed up to it one day. I must say I'd have to know someone very well to be willing to lend them a large sum of money.
DeleteThe demands of life have made me have many acquaintances and not so many close friends. It is a lot of work to maintain a friendship. I have a cousin I am close to. But I had to tell her to give me some space. I had too much to do.
ReplyDeleteAnn: True, maintaining a friendship takes a lot of work and that may be impossible if you have numerous demands on your time.
DeleteAs I age I find I need fewer friends, and the one's I want to maintain are the few I Facetime or Zoom with on a regular basis. Covid really changed a lot of people's lives.
ReplyDeleteColette: Covid didn't really alter my life, as I had been retired for several years by then, and I didn't have any close friends I was unable to see. But I did miss my book club friends while the book club was suspended.
Delete