When I'd been seeing Jenny for a while, I gathered he didn't approve of the relationship and thought I was "exploiting" Jenny.
He never explained what he meant by that. If he meant financially, that was nonsense because Jenny had a hefty credit card debt and I had some savings. If he meant I was leaning on her in some way, that was also nonsense because we were leaning on each other.
In any case he never met her and knew nothing about her so he just had a load of preconceptions about her and about our relationship. Jenny never had a chance to straighten him out.
If I was really exploiting Jenny, as a strong feminist she would have got shot of me at top speed. But we've been together now for 42 years so I must be doing something right.
Jenny would love to have had the chance to confront my father and tell him exactly what she thought of his disparaging attitude, but it wasn't to be. He died seven years after Jenny and I met, still refusing to talk to me because of the numerous grudges he held against me.
To accuse his own son of exploiting someone and not giving me the opportunity to defend myself is pretty low. But it wasn't the first time he had just jumped to conclusions and run with them.
Pic: Not my father, I have no online photos of him.
How curious. What a strange thing to accuse your son of doing. So many questions!! Like what were the numerous grudges about?
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Ms Scarlet: I can't remember all the grudges now, but he thought that I'd wasted my time at boarding school, that I'd become a dishevelled hippie, that I shouldn't have abandoned journalism, stuff like that.
DeleteYou've often mentioned about your poor relationship with your father. It is something that never leaves you, which I understand. I have a very difficult relationship with my mother.
ReplyDeleteIt's truly bizarre that he had an opinion on your relationship with Jenny, even after never having met her!
Bijoux: I don't think of my father very often, but when I do I still have a very negative opinion of him. People say you should forgive your parents for their failings, but I can't bring myself to do that.
DeleteDear Nick, my heartfelt sympathy. In the wake of what you wrote I penned a very long and very personal response. I decided against publishing it. Not because I don't want to share my thoughts (and feelings) on the subject with you but because it would have been against the apparent etiquette of the comment box.
ReplyDeleteLet's just say, and this chimes with your reply to Bijoux re forgiving our parents their failings, it would be a start if a parent were able to admit THEIR failing(s).
U
Ursula: I do like comments to be not too lengthy. If everyone produced voluminous comments it would be a bit daunting! Indeed, my parents never admitted their failings, they would blame me for my problems - even my flunked exams, that must have been partly the result of poor teaching.
ReplyDeleteHaving parents who always judged but never accepted still affects us many years later. It's hard to forgive but I have been working on that since not forgiving only affects me; not them.
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Linda: I don't forgive and I don't forget, but I don't let whatever it is eat away at me, I just get on with my life.
DeleteOh Nick, you poor man, sounds like he had a lot of issues.
ReplyDeletePolly: He did. And of course he didn't accept that he had any issues, it was other people who had the issues.
DeleteNick,
ReplyDeleteYour dad was obviously very uncomfortable with life. Probably had been treated harshly himself, obviously worried about what people thought of him. Times were very different then and he was a product of a harsh era.
Kylie: Yes, he may have been treated harshly himself by his own parents. I never met his father, who died before I was born, but his mother seemed okay. He was sent to boarding school at age 7 which can't have done him any good.
DeleteYour father was a master of projection, one of the worst traits and incurable because of the lack of self-awareness. I know you have written about him before (I believe you try and understand him even a little) but a narc is a narc is a narc.
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WWW
www: Yes, a lot of projection I think. And as I say, extreme self righteousness. He couldn't bear to think he was wrong about something.
DeleteNick, it's ok not to forgive . If persons decide to have children they have no right to put on them their opinions and their view of life. It's just horrible to always" dénigrer" ( sorry I do not know the english word ) your childs way of living,.I call it psychological terror . I feel sorry for you, but you managed to have a fulfilled life with Jenny. Wish you a nice weekend.
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Hannah: Psychological pressure certainly. He simply wouldn't let me be myself. But as you say, I've had a fulfilled life despite my difficult childhood. (Dénigrer in English is to denigrate).
DeleteHannah: You must horrified at what's happening in Israel and the Gaza Strip. It's looking very nasty indeed.
DeleteYes Nick we are horrified for both sides . The terrible thing is that the Netanyahu government has a great responsibilty in what is happeming.The democrstic Israelis are suffering and the Palestinians , well I know what is done to them . More than 75 years of denigrating their rights to have their own state. Now the situation is explosive if we consider the role Iran is playing. I will never understand how people can be so full of hate.
DeleteHannah
Hannah: It looks like this new outbreak of violence has totally sabotaged the behind-the-scenes attempts to bring some sort of stability to the region.
DeleteA sad story indeed, Nick, and your father did sound like he was angry at a lot of things. You may just have been the handiest person on which to heap his abuse. I know it's said to forgive is good, but sometimes that isn't possible.
ReplyDeleteBeatrice: Yes, maybe I was just a handy target for his negative feelings.
DeleteI feel for you. I had nothing but denigration from my mother as a child....later I began to understand the origins of it and we achieved armed neutrality but never friendship.
ReplyDeleteFly: Armed neutrality is a good description. In my case it was just bemused estrangement.
Delete42 years together is great. Relationships just don't last like that these days.
ReplyDeleteMary: As you say, I guess long-lasting marriages are getting rarer. Too many people get easily fed up and take a fancy to someone new.
DeleteMy parents were like that. I have a brother who could do no wrong. I could do no right. They are gone now. I think about it sometimes, but it's done now. I'm a lucky woman
ReplyDeleteDebby: Good that you can now put it behind you and get on with your life.
DeleteI think he must have been one of those horrid fathers who was jealous of his children. He wasn't a happy person, and he didn't want you to be either. Bravo to you for stepping away and building a happy life.
ReplyDeleteColette: Yes, he was probably jealous of me - less so my sister who shared a lot of my father's attitudes and beliefs.
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