There's no return to the days when we were small children and just blurted out whatever came to mind, without any thought for the consequences. We could look foolish or stupid or mean or rude many times a day because we hadn't yet got the knack of image-management.
As an artful adult however I do my best not to look in any way "bad" and I try to manage other people's reactions so they have a positive image of me. I try to avoid any impression that I'm anti-social or a law-breaker or that I'm selfish or arrogant or violent or domineering. I want people to think "He's a nice bloke, a sensible sort of guy, I like him."
Of course nobody wants to confess to ongoing image-massaging, it sounds so calculating and cold-blooded, but that's what we do. Nobody wants to be the bad parent, the bad patient, the bad student, the bad neighbour. So we tweak our behaviour to make it reassuringly "as expected".
And naturally we gloss over those big mistakes, or hastily conceal them. Those embarrassing workplace cock-ups or domestic blunders we'd rather not own up to. The car we wrecked or the kitchen we set on fire or the valuable antique we threw away. No no, they never happened. Or not the way you think.
If we believe our behaviour is spontaneous and unrehearsed, we're kidding ourselves.
The older I get, the more I understand that it is alright to live the way I want and not worry about what others think of either me or the way I live. I bet that the others are not even thinking about me!
ReplyDeleteRamana: I guess that as you're at home most of the time, you don't need to worry about what others make of you.
DeleteAs a teen, I did worry how others perceived me. As an adult, not so much. My husband thinks I’m a bit too spontaneous and abrupt. I’ve had many people tell me that they appreciate my honesty.
ReplyDeleteBijoux: Spontaneous and abrupt sounds about right, from what I know of you. And I also appreciate your honesty, as you've been very frank with me on occasion.
DeleteI would have to disagree with you. I don't give a flying... for what others think of me. My life is an open book, warts 'n all. Big mistakes, little mistakes, all part of living in truth. And celebrating achievements along with downfalls too.
ReplyDeleteXO
WWW
www: I always find it hard to believe when people say they really don't care what others think of them. But if you're truly an open book, that must be quite liberating.
DeleteMy mother taught me that what other people think is the most important part of life. It has taken me years to realize she was wrong.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous: What other people think certainly isn't the most important part of life, but it's something to be aware of.
DeleteOh, Nick. I used to care; now I don't. I make sure I'm tidy enough when I leave the house, but it's still in jeans.
ReplyDeleteJoanne: Good for you. I haven't worn "formal" trousers since I retired four years ago. It's jeans all the way.
DeleteI want to why it is if you go into town sloppy, you manage to run into everyone you know. When dressed well, there is no one.
ReplyDeleteI've always been grateful to grow up in a family where manners are important. A little social grease never hurt anyone.
Ann: Indeed, a little social grease doesn't come amiss. Treating other people with disdain doesn't get you very far.
DeleteOh Nick,
ReplyDeleteI don't massage my image. I try to be nice to people because I want to be nice to people. I try not to say too much about a couple of things I'm ashamed of but I'm pretty much an open book.
there's no point in me pretending anything, my face tells the truth
Kylie: I'm not necessarily saying you have to pretend, just that you flag up the attractive things and play down the less attractive.
DeleteYou do have a point, Nick, and I agree with most of what you say, as we are all affected by social conditioning. I think social conditioning also makes us want to kick against it, and the thing is we all want to be individuals, and not give a flying fuck, but deep down, most of us do.
ReplyDeleteSx
Ms Scarlet: That's it, we all think of ourselves as autonomous individuals, unaffected by what goes on around us, but of course that's just a comforting illusion. In the end we all want to be thought of as nice decent people - unless you're a drug-dealing gangster maybe.
DeleteI suppose to some extent after all these years I likely automatically naturally behave in a more reserved manner at various levels with different people. It really depends on how well I know them. By and large I just am who I am with people, take me or leave me though that usually means I display non-offensive behavior. I really don't give any thought to whether or not someone is going to like me as I might have as a young girl. It was a great relief to grow out of that needless anxiety. What I say, do, or how I behave is going to be me.
ReplyDeleteI've had contact with a woman in her older years who prides herself in thinking her behavior now shows she doesn't tolerate fools gladly. She often sounds off half-cocked, shutting other people down before she's found out what they are really talking about, or leading up to, alienating them. Her loss as others in regular contact with her recognize that about her and just overlook it, paying little or no attention to what she's said. No doubt new people she encounters may not pursue further contact with her.
Joared: This is the problem with people who don't care about other people's reactions - they're likely to end up ignored and avoided by whoever they've slighted or drowned out.
DeleteI seem to care less and less about what people think. I'm a bit like that child who "just blurted out whatever came to mind, without any thought for the consequences." Still, one must be kind. That thought is the only thing that keeps me from becoming a raving maniac.
ReplyDeleteColette: I just hope you're not treading on anyone's delicate sensibilities and your spontaneity is appreciated!
DeleteWhile many people always strive to put their best foot forward, sadly there are those who can be counted on to put it in their mouth. I suspect we have all said something we've later regretted.
ReplyDeleteBeatrice: And I'm sure we've all said something regrettable that we'd rather bury and not talk about.
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