Do they realise how deep a trauma can be and just how hard it can be to "put it behind you"? Yes, maybe you can bury a minor personal upset, but a truly devastating emotional injury is a different matter.
A serious trauma can embed itself in your psyche so deeply that it lingers for years, set off by one chance trigger after another. You can't simply tell it to go away. You can't simply shove it in your mental attic, shut the door and forget about it.
So those people who tell you to put it behind you are being both offensive and ignorant. Offensive because they imply it's something quite superficial and easily disposed of, and ignorant because they don't understand the reality of living with profound emotional anguish.
My mum's brother was flying a Spitfire in World War Two when he went missing and was never heard of again. I think my mum was still grieving her loss when she died at 96.
Northern Irish people are told to "put the Troubles behind you". Survivors of the Grenfell Tower inferno are told to "put it behind you". Ex-prisoners are told to "put it behind you". What if they can't?
But it's a convenient attitude for people who don't want to deal with the intransigence of someone's mental suffering and just want it to be gone. Do they think you can wave some magic wand and poof, it's all done and dusted?
That's similar to telling someone there's "closure" after some episode or a death. "Let go of it" can be another admonition. I don't think it's helpful for people to offer that kind of advice. In your Mom's case, with her brother missing, never to be heard from again, I would think that would always be with her in one way or another. Of course, people do have to find a way to live with that sort of thing in a way that is not unhealthy for them or projected onto others in their life.
ReplyDeleteJoared: Yes, you can't necessarily "put it behind you" but you can maybe find a way of living with it that makes life a bit easier.
DeleteIt is just a cliche. One simply cannot put such things behind and move on.
ReplyDeleteRamana: Indeed. Emotional injury can lodge itself very firmly in your psyche.
DeleteHopefully we are nearing the time where it becomes the norm to seek out mental health treatment.
ReplyDeleteBijoux: I hope so. Certainly more and more people are admitting to mental health problems and seeking professional help.
DeleteNo such thing as "behind". Trauma and grief lives on in the psyche much as others wish them away. Or don't deal by ingesting some mind altering substances. And trauma is multi-generational. Studies have been done on holocaust survivors and those few who survived the Great Hunger in Ireland. Not to mention the millions of abuses by religions. It's a dreadfully abusive thing to say to anyone. And how very sad for your mum, endless grief and absence of her brother.
ReplyDeleteXO
WWW
www: You can wish away trauma as much as you like, but it'll only go away when it's good and ready, if it goes away at all.
DeleteIf trauma is behind you it will bite you on the bum.
ReplyDeleteSx
Ms Scarlet: Very good ! That sums it up neatly.
DeleteI agree with every word above, to the top.
ReplyDeleteJoanne: I'm glad to know that. I was wondering if I might get a forceful disagreement from someone!
ReplyDeleteNick, I do not believe it's possible to put traumatic events, deaths of loved ones or friends behind us, especially when there are regrets about things said, not said, or undone. It has been that way in my own experiences and perhaps for others as well.
ReplyDeleteBeatrice: Yes, dwelling on what was said or not said, done or not done, means you can't just "put it behind you".
DeleteAs you say in your last paragraph, someone's grief (a grief for whatever reason) makes some by-standers uncomfortable. They want you "to move on" for their sake, not yours. On one memorable occasion one of my sisters shouted at me: "Don't bring that up again!"
ReplyDeleteThe other sister, the one that caused the damage, took the easy way out. By severing all contact.
Upshot being: It took me three years, a few sessions with a bereavement counsellor and my son's unstinting support and calm(ing) introduction to "let the thought arise, let it pass" to get over grieving for the still living.
I am lucky in as much as I have been able to "put it behind" me. Maybe my mettle was put to the test.
However, and I can't stress this enough, we all grieve in our own time, at our own pace. And let no one but no one compound that grief by telling you it's gone on long enough.
U
Ursula: Ah, the old Buddhist maxim "let the thought arise, let it pass". Well, it may be easy enough for veteran gurus, but not so easy for us mere mortals.
DeleteEasy? Little in life is easy. Only the impatient want immediate results.
DeleteNo one becomes a shoe maker, a tailor or a competent sailor in a day. It's a matter of applying yourself, Nick. Applying yourself whole heartedly, patiently, giving it time. No ifs, no buts. Trust me. Of course, and it would be disingenuous of me to say otherwise, some of us are naturals where others have to strive.
U
Ursula: I never said that life in general is easy. You've missed my point.
DeleteI think sometimes those people don't understand because they've never had a huge trauma like that to deal with and they just don't understand what it's like and think you can just put it behind you if you try hard enough. I had PTSD for many years because my mom's boyfriend shot himself in the head in front of me when I was 12. Thankfully none of my family or therapists told me to just put it behind me.
ReplyDeleteMary: Jesus, what a horrifying thing to happen. You could hardly just put it behind you.
DeleteThankfully there is now more awareness of, and help for, mental health, stress and anxiety. I think some non sufferers feel embarrassed and don't know how to deal with it. It's never easy to just put it behind you. Having said that I think there has to come a time when the person needs to try to learn to accept what's happened and live with it. It's never going to be easy.
ReplyDeletePolly: I've never had to deal with a major trauma in my life but I can quite understand how pervasive it can be and how you can't just shoo it away.
DeleteEasy answers are irresistible. I have mixed feelings about trauma. Some of the awful things that have happened to us do make us more resilient. With death and loss, I don't think any of us really move past it. I know I feel a lot of regret. I can see your mother feeling the loss of her brother.
ReplyDeleteTelling someone to move on can be callous and could be a matter of being practical. I had someone to chastise me about something they had no way of knowing the enormity of what I was dealing with and living through. So, I avoid them. I don't care to slosh my business to an acquaintance. But we all are in danger of crossing a line with unsolicited advice.
Ann: Yes, it's tempting to act the wise friend who has just the right bit of useful advice, but quite often that advice is inappropriate and clueless.
DeleteMy learning around grief and trauma says that we don't get over things or put them behind us but we do create our "new normal"
ReplyDeletePeople who tell us to get over it are uncomfortable and want relief.
Your mums situation was complicated by the lack of information and resolution, a very difficult form of grief
Kylie: Yes, I think that's right, people create a "new normal" rather than "getting over it". And as you say, the fact that my mum never knew what happened to her brother must have intensified her grief.
Delete