Thursday 14 October 2021

Call my bluff

At the age of 74 I still don't feel like an adult, only an overgrown child. There are so many things I can barely cope with, and only with a lot of effort.    There are so many things I stealthily keep away from, quite sure I'd instantly mess them up.

I may have all the physical trappings of adulthood. I've had three mortgages, I own a house, I've owned several cars, I was the executor of my mum's will, I've had paid jobs on and off for 53 years, I've travelled all over the world.

Yet I still don't feel like an adult. When people treat me like an adult and expect me to behave like an adult, I'm straight into impostor syndrome. I do my best to live up to what's required, but it's mostly a feverish pretence, a frantic pursuit of this ever-elusive quality known as adulthood.

People expect me to make intelligent, informed decisions on a whole range of subjects, when I'm all too aware that actually on most subjects I have a hazy, anecdotal knowledge at best. I rack my brain for relevant wisdom, find the cupboard is bare and cobble together some supposedly authoritative opinion that might get me convincingly through the next five minutes.

I'm looking around desperately for a real adult, someone who actually has adult-like capabilities and can rescue me from this scary demand for responsibility and guidance. I want to be like the newsreaders who just pass on the stream of information fed into their earpieces.

I might look like a mature adult, but it's all an illusion. In reality I'm still a confused child hoping I'm doing and saying the right thing but always suspecting I'm totally goofing up. Sooner or later someone's going to call my bluff.

PS: A post on Facebook - "My personality is basically a mix between a needy five year old child who can't control her emotions, a teenage rebel who makes poor life decisions, and an eighty year old woman who's tired and needs a nap."

34 comments:

  1. I have days like that too, Nick. But I do often joke about it (and openly too) to laughter from others who echo the exact same thing. What are we children doing in this baffling adult world? Where's the grownup, I ask, who's in charge here?

    You are not alone.

    XO
    WWW

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    1. www: It seems to be a very common feeling, that we're expected to act like adults although we don't feel like adults. And yes, we'd like to hand over to the person in charge. Oh, wait, that's me.

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  2. Hmmm, well I do feel like an adult, but I always think of myself as a 20-something adult. I enjoy people that age and often forget that I’m old enough to be their parent.

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    1. Bijoux: I don't feel like a 20 something adult, but I do often feel like a confused 20 something trying to make sense of a situation.

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  3. I'm having a stay-in-my-pajamas day. What does the say about me being an adult?

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    1. Linda: Good question. Are you behaving like a self-indulgent child or like an adult who's having a day of relaxation to lower your stress levels?

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    2. I actually got more done than I do most days so, apparently, removing the pressure was a good move.

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    3. Linda: I think sometimes you get more done when you just let everything flow rather than setting up a schedule.

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  4. you're not alone Nick. actually I think it afflicts the whole human race and has since ancient times. otherwise why are things still Going So Wrong around the world? you'd think some Adult might have caught on by now! but they Haven't.
    (what's really scary is when they become president or whatever leader they're calling themselves!) Yikes.

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    1. Tammy: Indeed, leaders who think they're adults but behave like toddlers are a serious menace. And yes, the dreadful state of the world shows that even politicians find adult responsibility hard to exercise.

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  5. Sounds more like humility to me which is surely a grace given to you. I think humility and patience are under estimated life skills.

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    1. Ann: Maybe. I'm certainly not given to bigging myself up. I agree, a bit more humility and patience in the world would be a welcome change from all the narcissism and anger.

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  6. I know I don't know enough about a whole swathe of things...so tend to keep mum.
    On the ther hand, when I do know about a subject I tend to step out high wide and handsome!

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    1. Fly: I'm much the same. If it's a subject I know a lot about, there's no holding back. And I feel like a very knowledgeable adult!

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  7. I think it's funny now that I'm older I can say I feel the same way. Do we ever feel like adults?

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    1. Mary: Some very confident people say they always feel like adults. But I guess most of us never quite manage it.

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  8. An excellent post Nick, I can relate to it on so many levels, particularly “A needy five year old child who can't control her emotions, a teenage rebel who makes poor life decisions, and an eighty year old woman who's tired and needs a nap." Getting up from my bed then gravitating to the sofa for the day! now with the perfect excuse of “having a day of relaxation to lower my stress levels” !! I think many of us feel as you do at any given time.

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    1. Polly: Of course now I'm retired I can have a day of relaxation every day of the week!

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  9. All I can say, Nick, is that being an adult is not all it's cracked up to be, but then neither was childhood. How about someplace in between the two? My goodness, I believe that was called middle age!

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    1. Beatrice: Middle age has already receded way into the past. Was it fun or was it disappointing? I think it was mainly fun, but don't quote me on that.

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    2. Nick, it was a good time as I recall but then perhaps my memory isn't as great now.

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  10. How timely! I was just talking to my cousin elder to me, about how I am now like a child and my son and daughter in love are like adults. It is nice to be totally care free and live the day to day worrying to them and have fun in my own way.

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    1. Ramana: Indeed, we can leave so many worries to other people and have only the basic domestic tasks to think about. And yes, my niece seems to be much more of a mature adult than I am.

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  11. You should have signed off this post as Boris Johnson!
    Anyhow, I feel the same - I'm still wondering how I'll be when I grow up.
    Sx

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    1. Ms Scarlet: Very true. He's the prime example of someone who pretends to be an adult while behaving like a petulant child.

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  12. Very amusing; I am about your age and can relate.

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    1. Terra: It seems that quite a lot of people can relate!

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  13. I feel like an adult. Adult life has cares and responsibilities that children (hopefully) never deal with and I can barely remember being carefree.
    having said that, I feel like the same person I was as a child, not much different except maybe more careful in many ways.

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    1. Kylie: Sure, adult life has cares and responsibilities. But the question is, do you feel up to dealing with all those cares and responsibilities or are you winging it, not quite sure if you're doing a good job or not?

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    2. I pretty much just get by, competent but not outstanding

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  14. I feel like an adult, but I don't think having moments of uncertainty and fear are incompatible with that. We're all just doing the best we can.

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    1. Agent: I have a lot more than moments. But yes, in the end we're all just doing our best.

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  15. It's never too late -- you may become an adult yet! ha

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    1. Joared: You never know. I might wake up one day as a fully-fledged adult. And pigs might fly!

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