I also wonder how they endure the stress of constantly keeping the other relationship secret and preventing their regular partner from getting suspicious.
And what about the extra expense, if you're barely solvent as it is? The hotel rooms, the restaurant meals, the travelling around, the presents.
I've never had any desire for a clandestine affair. Not just because I'm very happy with my existing partner but because I'm a fairly straightforward person and deceit and subterfuge doesn't come naturally.
When you're putting all your effort into maintaining a long-standing relationship, surely putting a similar effort into a bit on the side must be totally exhausting?
But it seems to be amazingly common. You can't open a newspaper without reading about someone's affair. Or some randy Don Juan who's had one affair after another for decades.
What's also intriguing is the very different attitudes of the person who's been cheated on. Some go completely crazy, physically attacking their partner, destroying their clothes or possessions, even walking out. But others shrug their shoulders and accept that their partners will never be faithful so they may as well get used to it.
I've never been tempted into infidelity. There was a woman once I was strongly attracted to, but I quickly decided that the damage it could do was simply not worth a bit of furtive and possibly disappointing sex. In any case, she was much younger than me and wouldn't have been remotely interested.
A bit on the side? Not for me, thanks.
The time, the money, the cover ups..... I would never manage it even if I had the inclination.
ReplyDeleteFly: I know, you'd have to be so totally devious day after day. How do they manage it?
DeleteHormones, thrill of the chase, some need that’s never been filled in their life. The list is a long one, I’m sure. Some people just get bored with their current spouse.
ReplyDeleteBijoux: Yes, there are so many factors involved. Including the whole masculine thing of always hankering after some woman or other.
DeleteNot for me either thank you.
ReplyDeleteRamana: I didn't think it would be somehow!
DeleteNo amount of temptation would be worth the risk to my relationship with my wife or the pain it would cause when (not if) she found out.
ReplyDelete(nearing 49 years of mutual trust and counting)
Mike: Glad to know you can count on mutual trust, and for so many years.
DeleteNo, I am far too lazy for that sort of malarkey. There isn't enough time in the day - I don't mind a little harmless flirting... but to be fair, I haven't even seen anyone to do that with lately!
ReplyDeleteSx
Ms Scarlet: Yes, I think laziness also comes into it. It must take a lot of energy to maintain a parallel life.
DeleteVery interesting that this is only perceived from the male point of view. Women have affairs too. And for many, many reasons.
ReplyDeleteXO
WWW
www: I was deliberately avoiding specifying one sex or the other, except maybe Don Juan. Yes, there are plenty of women having affairs, and as you say for many reasons.
DeleteFor some it is a need for intimacy. For others, I think they are oversexed. But there is a myriad of reasons. I don't think it adds to anyone's life to have sex outside of a relationship. Being single, I have had married or committed partners being interested.
ReplyDeleteI had a neighbor who met her husband when he was married. It was surreal how she did not want me to talk to him, there must be trust issues at work. I felt like saying I was not interested in her man; but I let sleeping dogs lie.
Ann: Yes, it's strange that your neighbour didn't want you to talk to her husband. What was she trying to hide, I wonder?
DeleteAndy and I are too busy playing with our toys and sharing our joys to waste time on that.
ReplyDeleteJean: I never thought for one second you'd be interested in that sort of caper!
DeleteI find it curious that spouses being cheated on who become angry often focus on person their partner is involved with as though its all that person’s fault. What? Doesn't the cheating spouse have some responsibility? I don't get it.
ReplyDeleteJoared: Indeed, trying to deny your partner's responsibility is weird.
DeleteMy mother was like that and I never understood her need. She began sleeping around even before she married my dad at age 18, though, so the need went way back into her childhood somewhere. Yet she stayed married to my dad for eighteen years before they finally separated and it took them another three years to negotiate their divorce because she was too embarrassed to let him file based on her adultery.
ReplyDeleteLinda: Interesting that over such a long period you could never work out what her need was. As you say, it probably went back to something in her childhood.
DeleteBoth my brothers had "a bit on the side". So did my husband. We all wound up divorced.
ReplyDeleteJoanne: That's very unfortunate. But maybe not if you all ended up doing better than when you were married.
Deleteso Sad all the way round. why can't people just Grow Up?
ReplyDeleteoh. but we're talking about 'grown ups' aren't we!
everything always seems to be about Sex or Money.
since the beginning of time.
plain old kindness and simplicity of life are apparently Boring to the masses of people!
whatever would they talk about or worry over?
Tammy: You'd imagine that grown-ups would think carefully about the consequences of their surreptitious flings before throwing themselves at somebody. But no, the usual excuse is "they couldn't help themselves".
DeleteI can attest firsthand that some people fall into this pattern so easily as did my former husband. My reaction was to file for divorce, which I did and have now been happily remarried for over 22 years. As for the ex, he married the girlfriend and years later was killed in an industrial accident, fate some people said.
ReplyDeleteBeatrice: Glad to know everything turned out well for you in the end. But a bit sad that he had to die in an industrial accident.
DeleteNot for me. But, it's a complicated issue. Men and women cheat for a great variety of reasons, and sex isn't always that big a factor. Some people can rebuild after their partner has been unfaithful, others cannot. I am pretty sure I'd walk away, but who knows since I've never been faced with that in either marriage?
ReplyDeleteAgent: I guess in your job you've talked to quite a few straying partners, so it's interesting that you say sex isn't always that important. I think some people just like to prove they're still attractive to the opposite sex.
DeleteWhen a person desperately wants to be seen and their partner is not looking, that becomes exhausting.
ReplyDeleteWho says affairs consist of hotel rooms and gifts? It's mostly much more mundane than that.
You're lacking nuance, Nick. Again
Kylie: "When a person desperately wants to be seen and their partner is not looking" Yes, that makes sense. True, there aren't necessarily hotel rooms and gifts. And you're right, I probably lack nuance. Put it down to my lack of personal experience in this area!
Delete