Instead of being packed off to an all-male boarding school at age 13, I'd probably have gone to the same secondary day school as my sister. This might have changed my life quite a lot.
Why? Because till the age of 13 I spent a lot of time with my sister and was very close to her. We played together, did things together, hung out together. But once I was at boarding school I only saw her occasionally and we were no longer so close. I was living my life, she was living hers, and this created a distance between us.
If I'd gone to the same school as her, we'd have shared our experiences as girls - how we were treated by boys, our periods, our clothes, our crushes, how we saw our bodies and all that stuff. We'd have been together at home, doing the domestic chores, doing our homework, going out with friends, and presumably the closeness would have continued.
Unfortunately that wasn't to be and after I left boarding school, although I tried hard to restore the old closeness, it was gone. After a while we both left the parental home and again we were leading separate lives that added to that sense of distance.
Nothing has happened over the years to change that, and despite all my efforts there has only been the bare minimum of contact between us. We can't have exchanged more than a few dozen emails in several decades.
Life is what it is and I've had to come to terms with the estrangement. But my life would have been so much richer if I was still as close to my sister as I was in my early childhood.
There's a deep sense of loss that can't be shed.
If I was a woman I’d look like the mother from The Goonies
ReplyDeleteJohn: I've never seen the programme, but I googled the mother and she looks pretty ferocious!
DeleteBeing a first born male in India is a privilege that few in the West can understand. I am that privileged. My parents kept trying for a girl and the fourth attempt produced one and she has been the apple of the eyes of all her brothers. We are very close even now when both of us are in our seventies. I have never speculated like you as to what would have happened had I been a girl.
ReplyDeleteRamana: Good to know that you and your sister are still very close. I'm envious!
DeleteThat's really sad, Nick. Is it too late to try to reinstate your closeness?
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, you have idealised the two sisters relationship - in reality it can be a bumpy ride!
Sx
Ms Scarlet: I fear it's too late, but you never know what the future might bring. And yes, I know sisters aren't necessarily bosom pals!
DeleteHad I been born a boy my father would have been happier, that is for sure...and I think I might have been too, on condition that I was bright enough to avoid the 'fist and boot' secondary modern schools of the period.
ReplyDeleteFly: It was because my father was so opposed to my attending the local secondary modern that he sent me to boarding school. Which was probably worse.
DeleteMy cousin who was 6 months older than me spent much of her holidays with us when we were growing up. Sadly we're down to Christmas cards now. But that's just as much my fault. At least you've tried.
ReplyDeleteLiz: Sorry to hear about your cousin. Unfortunately, once you're down to Christmas cards, there's probably not much hope of anything better.
DeleteMost closeness I had with my sister began to disappear soon after I joined the Navy. She had married too young at 15 and the marriage didn't last, though they they had two wonderful daughters. Her life went down a bad path and my mom and stepdad basically raised the girls. She would disappear for weeks and months at a time. She finally met a guy -- his name was "Guy" -- that she had a long term relationship and marriage with when she was in her mid 40s. After nearly 20 years together, he passed just a few weeks ago. Since late 1971, we've always lived long distances from each other. We're not as distant, though, as it sounds like you and your sister are though. We had reasons to be in the same place several times in the last 20 years and we've gotten on well enough. When Guy died, I called her and we had a good, long talk.
ReplyDeleteLike you, though, I've not imagined what my childhood would have been like as a girl. I would have been the oldest and I'm not sure how my sister would have been with a big sister instead of a big brother.
Mike: Good to know that after your sister's difficult early life she met Guy and things took a turn for the better. And yes, I wonder how having a big sister would have changed things. As Ms Scarlet says, sisters aren't necessarily as thick as thieves.
DeleteI'd say your opening sentence is flawed, Nick. "Like most men, I guess, I sometimes imagine what my life would have been like if I'd been a woman." Most men I know including my four brothers would never ever want to be a woman. At some dim level they recognise their privilege and our oppression. The more evolved, like orthodox Jews, thank God every day they were not born such creatures.
ReplyDeleteThough I do sympathize with your shipment to an education warehouse. How heartbreaking for you. I have a similar experience with my emigration. My sibs did not recover and still blame me for my abandonment and punish me periodically by shunning me.
XO
WWW
www: But I guess they might have imagined their life would be more difficult as a woman. Education warehouse is a good description - my parents were just storing me there until I was old enough to be an independent adult.
DeleteSo your siblings aren't exactly your bosom buddies either....
Can't say I ever imagined what it was like to be a man, but I would have loved having a sister. Though my husband's three sisters don't speak to each other, so there's that.
ReplyDeleteBijoux: Well, it's clear from the comments that siblings don't necessary get along, let alone be best friends forever. Total estrangement seems to be quite common.
DeleteIf it's any consolation, Nick, I sometimes wonder what it'd be like to be born a . . . whatever. I don't know. A worm? To be caught by the early bird or an angler spiking me on his hook to catch the fish.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear about your sister. When young we think nothing can come between us. Fast forward a couple or more decades - wonderment will be yours.
U
Ursula: As others have said, even if I had been at home with my sister, we might still have ended up estranged from each other. Life throws us googlies all the time.
DeleteI'm sorry to hear that. That's very sad. I have 2 older half brothers that I'm not close to at all.
ReplyDeleteMary: Thanks. Estrangement is more widespread than we realise.
DeleteI was never close to my oldest brother and my relationship with the other one pretty much died after elementary school. It's interesting to me that my oldest brother thinks we have a good, though long distance, relationship now yet he never told me when his daughter had a daughter. I learned about her when he casually mentioned her by name in a phone conversation and I had to ask who she was.
ReplyDeleteLinda: I can't help thinking gender roles might be involved here. A guy might not think it important to tell you about a new child but surely a woman would think differently?
DeleteI was very close to the younger of my two brothers. He was five years younger. And then he killed himself when he was 28. I became closer to my sister, almost eleven years my junior, and we have been close ever since.
ReplyDeleteJoanne: How awful that your brother killed himself. But if it brought you closer to your sister, I guess that's one good thing that came out of it.
DeleteYes, Nick, it is sad to read not only of the estrangement between your sister and yourself, but that of others who commented here. There was a few years when my younger by 3 years brother and I were in the same boat. However, my mother’s passing 5 years ago seems to have brought a measure of healing. Now we speak weekly although family visits are suspended due to living in different states and this pandemic situation.
ReplyDeleteBeatrice: Like Joanne, you seem to have gained something positive out of a sad death. I hope you get to visit your brother before too long.
Deletemy only brother (3 years younger) and I fought like cats and dogs our growing up years. but there was a strong bond too.
ReplyDeletenow he and I both lost our spouses to cancer. and everyone else in the family (except for his only son and his family) are gone. so we have become close.
he is my best friend. I thank my lucky stars for him.
and btw... it seems horrible to me how they send children off to boarding schools. I know it's posh and all. but CHILDREN should be at HOME. with their parents and siblings. it just seems like a rather cruel practice. you lost out on it with your sister because of it! I'm sorry. xo
Tammy: Good to know that you and your brother are now close. I think boarding schools should be phased out. I'm sure they do psychological and emotional harm to all who attend them, even if some of those ex-pupils swear they're not damaged in any way. A therapist would almost certainly tell them otherwise.
DeleteI'm not close to my brother or my sister. They both live just a short drive away and we are not "estranged" in any way, just not close.
ReplyDeleteMy brother has worked shift work for about 30 years and because it's hard to know if he will be asleep, I just tend not to randomly contact him, which is no excuse from me but it doesn't make things easier.
My sister is five years younger so growing up we were too far apart in age to really be close then we got closer and she went to live in the US which was a bit of an impediment, then we got closer and she got too busy to bother. She thinks she values her family but she's distracted by silliness and I've stopped trying
Kylie: So presumably, despite your brother's unpredictable sleeping patterns, he doesn't take the initiative to call you instead, when he's awake?
DeleteYour sister being on the other side of the world is certainly a deterrent to closeness. Ditto her frivolous attitude towards you.
I sometimes wished I was a boy beginning when very young because they seemed to get to be freer in dress, activities and more which I didn't think was fair. Boys could rough and tumble around in jeans and I had to wear a dress but to be sure to keep the skirt down and not allow my panties to show. I experienced some other unfairness and inequities first hand when I was older, then became an adult and there was more.
ReplyDeleteI suppose some males have wondered what it's like to be a female, but I think a number of them don't give much or any thought to that idea.
That's too bad that you and your sister don't have more contact. I think you and your sister might have had more separation when you each entered puberty that you imagine, but you might have come to have more closeness than you experience now. I don't think your being away at school totally accounts for all the distancing and it may not even have anything at all to do with you. Be patient, make what contact you can. Perhaps she may yet respond more as her life changes. If not, that's life, I guess.
My children have contact with each other as adults but not as much as when they were at home. I have done some things that foster their contact but they each make an effort, too, since we all live some distance apart now. Their interests have diverged.
My ten years older brother and I were close through the years, though there were periods when our personal lives were so busy we didn't have as frequent contact. Sometimes the spouse can have some influence on the amount of contact siblings have, or even children when they become adults.
Hard to know what's going on in your sister's life and maybe she doesn't want you to know for reasons of her own.
Joared: A lot of British girls are thinking of living as the opposite sex precisely because they're fed up with the way girls are treated and because boys seem to get much more freedom and respect.
DeleteYes, even if we went to the same school, my sister and I may still have become estranged. I have no idea why she keeps such a distance from me. My brother in law and niece tend to keep their distance as well. Maybe I just belong to a very secretive and reticent family.