People say "You'll be so happy if you have children". And she thinks, "I'm actually happy as I am but will I be happier if I have children?" She feels like she's being told she doesn't carry her weight in society.
Well, the reason I'm puzzled is that neither Jenny or I have had any such "child harassment". We've never had people badgering us about our child-free status or telling us we're missing out on a wonderful experience.
So why is that? Did we look like potential child molesters who mustn't have kids under any circumstances? Did we look so poor our kids would be seriously disadvantaged? Did we look like neglectful slobs who would let our children starve to death? Did we look like angry, belligerent individuals who would terrify our offspring?
Or did we just happen to associate with courteous, easy-going types who felt no need to ask if we were planning to reproduce?
And on the other hand, why are people always asking Janet Sewell if she's going to have children? What is there about her that encourages such a question? Or does she simply mix with a lot of nosey parkers who think the future of her womb is something they have a right to inquire about?
Why do people think it's okay to ask such questions? Especially as the explanation for being child-free might be an embarrassing one the couple would rather not reveal.
But bearing in mind the sort of people Jenny and I associate with, it seems quite normal that people were more interested in our political leanings than in whether we'd reproduced.
Pic: not Janet Sewell
Our oldest at age 47 has never had children and is fine with it as that is how they planned it. Ironically, she is the well-respected children's librarian of our county's central library.
ReplyDeleteMike: It's also ironic that Janet Sewell is a teacher. When people ask her if she has children, she says "Yes, 19 of them."
DeleteKaitlin and Torben decided not to have children, and as far as I know no one has questioned their choice. One of Torben’s sisters does have children, the other two don’t.
ReplyDeleteJean: Obviously people they know are less nosey and believe in minding their own business!
DeleteI find it rude mostly because one doesn’t know the circumstances behind childlessness. Many couples have fertility issues and it must be quite painful to be asked, “When are you having children?”
ReplyDeleteBijoux: Exactly. Or there's an ongoing dispute between the couple over whether to have children or not.
DeleteOur daughter was taken to task for not having children to pass along her high intelligence. It seems to me that being intelligent enough to know you don't want children is a better choice.
ReplyDeleteLinda: It doesn't always work out that way of course. Highly intelligent parents can produce dim-witted kids.
DeleteI would drop such friends. Children are a huge commitment and not conducive to many adults' lives and nobody else's business. As I've observed here before, Nick, the happiest couples I know are childless.
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www: Exactly, children are a huge commitment and not something to be pushed into by other people.
DeleteHaving children or not having children is none of their business. And Linda Sand is right.
ReplyDeleteSusan: Indeed, it's nobody's business but the couple themselves.
DeleteSusan, Thanks for your support. I appreciate it.
DeleteI wonder, who is Janet Sewell?
ReplyDeleteJoanne: Good question. She's not an established journalist. The article pops up on several Australian sites, so maybe she's Aussie.
DeleteJanet Sewell is a journalist who is asking herself hypothetical question so that she can write articles to sell to newspapers?
ReplyDeleteI'm childless and can only recall being asked once about why I didn't have children, and then I was called selfish for not having any, so I called my accuser selfish because he'd had children - it works both ways, that particular insult.
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Ms Scarlet: I always point out that although I'm childless, I'm supporting parents by paying tax for their children's schools, healthcare, libraries etc.
DeleteGoodness, you're up at 5.39 am?
I am usually up by 5am but I try not to disturb anyone - obviously I forgot myself when I read your post and felt compelled to comment!
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Ms Scarlet: I'm often awake at 5 am but I read rather than going online! So I'm getting through books very quickly!
DeleteWe had only one child and he in turn with his wife has decided not to have any children. These have not caused any problems for us but, you cannot stop people from asking about reproduction. The best way to handle it is just joke about it. Let me illustrate. An aunt came visiting us for the first time after our wedding when our son was ten years old. She asked me why we had only one child and I said "Oops, I clean forgot. Thank you for reminding me." I then got up, beckoned my wife and said "Let us go and do something about it." This broke the tension in the room full of other relatives and the subject was dropped.
ReplyDeleteRamana: I love your response to the curious aunt. I bet that shut her up for a bit!
DeleteNick, since you are on the subject of "clocks ticking", and what I have to say on that subject probably best not put into print, here is something related to get your teeth into. Same subject, different angle. As I have just learnt Meghan, her of Prince Henry fame, had a miscarriage in July. Well, commiserations. It happens. What's not so well the song and dance she makes about it. By which I mean, please do read her prose. It's pathetic. At least we have learnt that Henry has damp hands. Or maybe they were watered by her tears. And why come out with it NOW? Isn't anything private anymore? She/they wanted to live like "normal" people (whatever that means) not as fodder to the gutter press yet there she stains newspapers in her sodden drip.
ReplyDeleteShe has, in the past and not necessarily her fault, been given bad press. Why now put the tear jerker, baby lost, on it? Sympathy vote fishing?
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Ursula: I couldn't care less about the royals and their goings-on. But the media bang on about them endlessly because an amazing number of people are royalty-obsessed.
DeleteWhat Meghan was actually doing was encouraging other people to support one another during such a loss. I could have used that support during my own miscarriage but it was something not discussed then so Dave and I suffered alone. I applaud Meghan for bringing this to the public eye in hopes it will help others mourn their loss more healthfully.
DeleteLinda: Yes, I applaud her broaching the subject of miscarriage instead of sweeping it under the carpet. A miscarriage can be incredibly distressing and it needs to be talked about openly. She's not just "making a song and dance about it", as Ursula says, she wants to share what I assume is genuine pain with other women. My sister had a miscarriage and was also very distressed about it.
DeleteLinda, I am sorry to hear about your loss and that you didn't feel supported. Yet you had Dave (I assume the father of the child) to comfort each other; and, maybe, the prospective grandparents, a sibling, a good friend, or even just your doctor? Isn't that enough?
DeleteMy question, and I believe I have the right to ask it as I am the queen of miscarriages (the fingers of one hand won't do): What good does it to (over)share? What are other people supposed to do? Say "Poor you, here have a chocolate"? People flounder in the face of another's grief at the best of times - never mind at the loss of a being that didn't materialize.
Even when I was a child I knew my mother miscarried, some of her friends did, a neighbour did in a rather gruesome way (late one) to which I was witness. The impression I got that your immediate circle will rally round in the way women do. But it was (and is) so common to miscarry, Linda. Comes with the territory. Which is why I never mentioned I was pregnant until the famous twelve week first marker. I suppose we all differ in what we expect from others. And all I want when grieving - whether for the unborn or an old grandparent glued to my heart - is to be largely left alone. Grief is such a personal, private thing.
I am not a cynic or suspicious by nature, in fact quite the opposite, yet I can't help feeling that Meghan was "using" her miscarriage to elicit the sympathy vote.
To end on a happy note, and please do let me know, I hope you scored.
Affectionately, from one to the other,
Ursula
In my experience people with children usually bring their existence up in conversation pretty soon...so if they don't either they don't have them or they have manners.
ReplyDeleteFly: Parents can sometimes be horribly boring about their kids and their latest achievements. They don't seem to realise others aren't necessarily that interested.
DeleteSomeone recently asked if there is any sign of me becoming a grandma yet. As it happens, Liam and Catherine had a pregnancy which ended up quite traumatically. I desperately wanted to make the enquirer uncomfortable by telling the story but out of respect to the parents, I didn't.
ReplyDeleteI'm coming to the conclusion that people don't usually say unreasonable things to me as much as they do to others. I think I must give off an aura that says not to be rude
That should have said "ended traumatically"
DeleteKylie: Yes, you do have a certain "don't give me any nonsense" air. I think I'm the same, which is why people don't say unreasonable things to me either.
DeleteIt might be that she is always talking about babies, or something...
ReplyDeleteJenny: Could be!
DeleteThe only time I was ever queried on that topic was by a new boss I inherited who was also guilty of sexual harassment in the decades when a woman just had to find a way to fend with such through a variety of techniques. This day and age he would be prime for a lawsuit and with the financial settlement the person could retire.
ReplyDeleteJoared: Sounds like he was generally a pain in the arse all round! It's a great advance that men like that are now very likely to find themselves in court.
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