One big benefit of all the ongoing feminist campaigning is that so many once-forbidden topics are now openly discussed and women can share their experiences and get the support they need.
Things they once struggled with behind closed doors, things that were considered shameful and humiliating, are now out in the open and subjects of concerned public debate.
Miscarriages, still births, post-natal depression, domestic violence, sexual harassment, the glass ceiling, the obsession with women's appearance, women who're not listened to or taken seriously, and many other issues - now we hear about them all the time and it's not so easy to sweep them under the carpet.
This widespread trend for bringing taboo subjects into the daylight has prompted men to be more open as well. They're more likely to talk about erectile dysfunction, impotence, the straitjacket of "masculinity", their parental anxieties, or workplace bullying. They're more likely to share their emotions, be it sadness, grief, disappointment, inadequacy, despair or helplessness. They're less prone to hide everything behind a facade of tough, unflappable maleness.
To my mind, this is all very positive. The more you share, the more useful feedback you will get, and the more your experiences become normal rather than some disgusting secret. I don't think there's any such thing as "over-sharing", except perhaps when what you say might offend or hurt someone. Sharing something must surely be better than it festering away inside and becoming more and more distressing and painful.
The fewer taboo subjects we have, the better.
Like you I welcome that certain taboos aren't so any longer. The very notion that someone wouldn't go and see their doctor because they are "ashamed" by their problem I believe long gone.
ReplyDeleteHowever, as I pointed out in reply to you and Linda in your previous blog post I do believe it's one thing to "share" with your nearest and dearest and/or health professionals, it's another to shout it from the roof top (or on media pages), entertain your neighbours (gossip) and bore your colleagues with the minutiae of the personal. Not every bowl movement and its consistency needs mentioning (trust me, I once had a colleague whose sharing knew no bounds).
And then there is the other "oversharing"; what one might call "too much information". Sure it's good that, say, Chlamydia is out there in the open and can be talked about. Doesn't mean you'd necessarily want to disclose your own. Another example, ridiculous I know but still, everyone knows about STDs. Yet, you'd hardly tell all and sundry "Hi guys, guess what. I've got the crabs". "Oh, really, how did you manage that, you swine?"
And show me one man who'll "share" problems with his prowess for all the world to see. Other than Trump, obviously. He'd boast that his is the biggest impotence of all. That'll show them what he is made off. Not to be beaten. EVER. In any stakes. Even his ever patient Twitter feed will be squawking at the very notion of his genitals.
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Ursula: I doubt if many women shout their problems from the rooftop or blurt things to their neighbours. I imagine they're more likely to confide only in close friends. I also doubt if many men would greet a friend with the news of an STD. But they might mention it in the course of a conversation.
DeleteI am sorry, Nick, as so often there seems a communication black hole between us. You "doubt that many women shout their problems ..." That is precisely what I said. They don't. For GOOD reasons. And then there are the Drama Queens, like Meghan. Plastering it onto the front pages. Read what she wrote and you will employ Fly's (previous post) sick bag. Helping raise awareness? My foot.
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Among my daily dose of news papers, there are a couple that print columns by a sexologist and two agony aunts and one agony uncle. If you read those for entertainment, you will end up being distressed at how igonorant or innocent people are about many matters, physical and emotional and are unwilling to visit experts for advice and treatment.
ReplyDeleteI am all for being open and sharing one's problems within the family and in the case of public figures even with the public so that these sharings act as examples for others to get over their diffidence.
Ramana: Indeed, when public figures share their problems it encourages so many ordinary folk to share the same things.
DeleteAnd yes, people are amazingly ignorant. One US survey found that only 25% of women could identify the vagina on a diagram of the body.
I hadn't seen the miscarriage 'news', then caught up with an article where she is quoted...talk about pass the sickbag!
ReplyDeleteYes, of course taboos are harmful and it is good that people can talk about problems, and with luck, obtain help, it goes without saying. Just don't make a parade of it.
Seconded, Fly, on count of both the "sickbag" - the prose was just so over the top - and making "a parade of it".
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Agreed.
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Fly: I didn't notice that she was "making a parade" of it, but then I've barely skimmed the coverage.
Delete'droppng to the floor, singing a lullaby....my backside.
DeleteFly: Surely the point is not whether she was making a song and dance about it but whether she will encourage other women to talk about their miscarriages - which can only be a change for the better.
DeleteYou are not a victim if you suffer a miscarriage - if no negligence is involved. You have a medical problem with psychological consequences, so practical advice would be preferable to sob stories.
DeleteFly: I wasn't suggesting she's a victim. There are far too many people claiming "victimhood" of one type or another. Practical advice is certainly needed, but I would say being able to share your experience is good too.
DeleteI saw Meghan's "sob story" as an example of how painful and devastating a miscarriage can be. True, they aren't all that painful but admitting hers was is a way to encourage others to admit their own feelings in such circumstances. I wish all you judgmental people would let up a bit. It was her need to be seen as a human being that led to her retreat from the royal life. Royalty are not allowed to admit that life can be painful.
ReplyDeleteLinda: Amen to that. She's been pilloried for years by people with nothing better to do, and I'm not going to add to the hatred. I hope she's got something positive out of revealing her miscarriage.
DeleteI read that she talked about it, and one columnist said it was a good thing, that sharing halves the pain, but I haven't read what Meghan has written.
ReplyDeleteJean: Most commentators have applauded her for sharing an often not-talked-about experience.
DeleteI have not read anything about the royal miscarriage, but I do agree that it’s good to no longer have to hide this sort of thing. I remember almost feeling shame after mine and the hospital personnel was awful, throwing a pamphlet at me and not making eye contact. And that was in the 90’s!
ReplyDeleteBijoux: The way you were treated sounds dreadful. I hope hospital staff are now a bit more sympathetic.
DeleteI believe Zara was quite open about her two miscarriages. I had two miscarriages. One got on with it in those unenlightened years. Very difficult. I had massive bleeding and subsequent depression and no one to talk to.
ReplyDeleteGood that it's out in the open. And that grief therapy is available.
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WWW
www: Indeed, there were a lot of things women just had to "get on with" (and still are). Yes, grief therapy has been very helpful to many people.
DeleteI think things like this should be discussed because so many people experience them and it's nice to know you aren't alone when it happens to you.
ReplyDeleteMary: Absolutely right. What does it achieve, keeping such things secret? Just a feeling of inadequacy and shame.
DeleteI'm sorry for Meghan or anyone else who loses a wanted pregnancy, and it's definitely not something to be ashamed of. (Watch out...here it comes...the "but"!)
ReplyDeleteBut I thought that Meghan and Harry wanted privacy and a life out of the public eye. Actually, no I didn't. Based on what I've seen the last thing Meghan wants is to out of the limelight, just living a life of relative obscurity and not getting SOME kind of attention. I read her article, and agree with Ursula and Fly that she's melodramatic. If you really feel the loss that deeply and the media has allegedly been so mean and unfair to you, why put so many deeply personal details out there for the whole world to read about? "Dropped to my knees, humming a lullaby"......ugh.
Jennifer: Good point about them wanting a private life but then making a big deal out of the miscarriage. A bit of a contradiction.
DeleteLike yourself, Nick, I really don’t care about the royal family or even the non-royals or celebrities for that matter, but it is a good thing to have more openness about formerly taboo subjects, including a miscarriage. I found out many years after the fact that my late mother had two miscarriages, yet she never spoke of that and I only learned after her passing. There is a time and a place for most subjects although there may be some or many who disagree.
ReplyDeleteBeatrice: What you say about your mother makes me wonder if my own mother had any miscarriages. If she did, she certainly never mentioned them to me. But because so many women have miscarriages, I can't help wondering.
DeleteI also think Meghan and harry are trying to have their publicity and their privacy all at once and it strikes me as disingenuous.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't wish that kind of loss on anyone but after claiming to want privacy, she doesn't get to jump into the spotlight.
Having said that, if we want to bring pregnancy loss out of the shadows, she's the perfect one to get attention on the issue.
Kylie: She's certainly put miscarriages firmly in the public eye, which is all to the good.
DeleteShe may say she wants privacy, but if you've been used to so much public attention for so long, it must be hard to retreat from it.
Are there any taboo subjects that haven't made their way into the public realm? Public figures can be in a bind sometimes, sincerely wanting to use their status on certain issues but unable to control how what they say will be dispersed, and what sort of spin others may put on their words and intentions. I suppose in some instances they may just decide it's so important to them they'll just say what they have to say hoping the positives outweigh the negatives, but willing to let the chips fall wherever they may.
ReplyDeleteJoared: Indeed, whatever you feed to the media can be severely distorted and misused, so going public on something is a bit of a gamble.
DeleteI think social media has played a huge part in airing once-taboo subjects. There's a sort of constant race to divulge yet more startling and dramatic personal information.