How do you maintain a relationship (and a marriage) for nigh on 40 years without the D-word rearing its ugly head? How do you keep things sweet despite all the possible pitfalls and trip-wires? I think it helps a lot if you share a few basic behavioural traits. For instance:
- We love each other to bits, obviously.
- We're both neat and tidy. We put the cap back on the toothpaste, we don't leave discarded clothes on the floor, we don't leave food remnants in the sink. It must be hell if one of you is a messy slob and the other isn't.
- We're both vegetarian and we both like similar foods. Especially Italian and Indian food.
- We're both energetic and keep ourselves busy. We don't sprawl on the sofa all day, watching old sitcoms.
- We're both voracious readers. If one of us never read anything but cookery books or car manuals, that would be that.
- We're both over-thinkers, analysing everything to the nth degree - politics, news events, other people's quirks, shopping trends, you name it.
- We both do our share of the housework. We don't (on the whole) assume such-and-such is the other person's job/ the woman's job/ the man's job.
- We both like Scandinavian crime dramas.
- We consult each other about everything, and never make important decisions (even choice of curtains) unilaterally.
- We both like breakfast in bed (toast and marmalade) on Sunday mornings.
- We don't fight over who's going to drive the car.
- We're both minimalists with a horror of clutter. We have regular clear-outs of stuff we no longer need/ want/ use/ enjoy.
- We're both socialists. It's hard to understand how political and ideological opposites can live together without coming to blows.
There must be other things I've forgotten, but that's fairly comprehensive. It makes me realise how lucky we were to run into each other. What are the chances of two random strangers sharing so many attitudes?
I'd say "the chances of two random strangers sharing so many attitudes" are pretty high given how many humans are running about.
ReplyDeleteTwo schools: Like attracts like. Opposites attract.
I'd say the art of marriage doesn't lie in what you "share" but where you differ. And how you reconcile those differences. No doubt, cycling in tandem, as you describe, is comfy. But is there a spark?
Anyway, Nick, and I do not mean to take anything away from your contentment (in fact I am happy for you), you do know, don't you, that the real test of a marriage are kids and money. They are the two areas of potential strife. You and Jenny clearly have enough money between the two of you and you don't have children. It's like Switzerland.
As an aside: I never congratulate my parents on their long lived marriage. Though maybe I should considering that they had four children and their financial affairs were in constant flux, ebb and tide. But boy oh boy oh girl did the plates sometimes fly. It was passion that kept them together. DESPITE their differences. Now that's what I call remarkable.
U
Ursula: “I do not mean to take anything away from your contentment” That’s exactly what you’re doing. What you’re saying is that our relationship doesn’t really count because we haven’t had serious money worries or children – or both. That’s just the sort of smug, self-righteous attitude you sometimes accuse me of. And I notice you say nothing about your own relationship – we’ll have to draw our own conclusions.
DeleteSometimes I don't know why I bother, Nick. Why are some bloggers hell bent on always taking the worst possible interpretation of what I am saying? I said I was happy for your being content in your relationship. Naturally, that doesn't get noted. Instead, oh dear, it's Ursula, let's cotton on to what we perceive the negative. It's so tiring my end.
DeleteI didn't say your relationship "doesn't really count" because you don't argue over money and don't have children. Of course, it counts. All I pointed out that some things will put us to the test. In any sphere of life. And if we are not exposed to those tests then, well, we may get an easier ride than those who do climb a mountain.
As to your last sentence, please do draw your "own conclusions". Make sure they add up.
U
Our interests differ, which gives us plenty to talk about at the end of the day, our temperaments differ - he is patient and I am not - but, thank goodness, we have no kids to get in our way.
ReplyDeleteFly: We also have different interests and temperaments - I'm more patient than Jenny. I think kids would have driven us both mad.
DeleteMy spouse and I do not have much in common when it comes to interests or behaviors and we’d be complete opposites for most of your list. I think what we share has been common values like honesty, respect, and loyalty.
ReplyDeleteAs far as actually living with someone who thinks differently, we’ve always taken the approach where the person who assigns importance to it takes care of it. It’s worked for 34 years.
Bijoux: Complete opposites for most of my list? The mind boggles! I agree that honesty, respect and loyalty are very important. And I like your idea that the person who assigns importance to something should deal with it. Perhaps we should try that....
DeleteLetting the other person be him/her self is very important! I once asked Dave why he did so little parenting and he said because he couldn't do it my way. Lesson learned.
ReplyDeleteLinda: Yes, that's essential. We both give each other lots of personal latitude. A useful home-truth from Dave!
DeleteNext Friday Andy and I will have been married for 56 years. We make a great team.
ReplyDeleteJean: After 56 years, I don't think there's much anyone else could tell you about maintaining a relationship!
DeleteInteresting list Nick. A very good fit. I never did find mine, came close a few times but I really know I am impossible, I take up a very large space creatively and am far too passionate in relationships.
ReplyDeleteAnd money and kids do change things enormously. The happiest couples I know are kidless.
XO
WWW
www: I think a lot of people are like you nowadays, full of passion, taking up a lot of space, and much better off on their own than manoeuvring round someone else.
DeleteNo unilateral decisions.
ReplyDeleteNo unilateral decisions.
No unilateral decisions.
Joanne: Definitely no unilateral decisions then....
Deleteyour list is great I think. to me it is anyway.
ReplyDeletebut one area for me that might be a deal breaker...
one's taste in music!
at least now there are earbuds and gear so as not to force an unwanted blast onto your significant other!
Tammy: We have different tastes in music but it isn't a problem. Jenny plays the piano and loves classical music - which doesn't do anything for me. But we both love rock music.
DeleteThere is one single trait that I think matters most in successful relationships. Acceptance.
ReplyDeleteRamana: I agree, acceptance is important - letting the other person be themselves, however odd or inexplicable it may seem. As long as it's not harmful, obviously.
Deletewhen i spoke at my mum and dads 50th, i referred to them always having breakfast together and turning in together. Mum and dad can bicker like nothing on earth but their genuine commitment is seen in the way they make that time together to start and finish the day. It's such a simple thing, it can't be their whole success, can it? I don't know, to me it's symbolic of the way they both prioritise the marriage over their own stuff.
ReplyDeleteMum says I gilded the lily when I said all that so she clearly didnt agree!!
Kylie: That's a nice routine they've got into. Jenny and I get up and go to bed at very different times. I think the big sign of our commitment to each other is just that we discuss so much together and don't have a lot of personal secrets.
DeleteOh, I like making my own decisions! I CHOOSE THE HOME FURNISHINGS. End of. Christ, we'd have nothing if we had to agree on everything. I am always deferred to, which is how it should be.
ReplyDeleteSx
Ms Scarlet: Aha, the traditional lady-of-the-house role. Well, you know, whatever floats your boat, as they say.
DeleteRamana would make a good husband.
ReplyDeleteSx
Ms Scarlet: Ramana WAS a good husband for many years. A shame he has long outlived his wife.
DeleteKen and I have been together for almost 30 years. It's good to have some things in common and be able to communicate.
ReplyDeleteMary: If you're not on the same wavelength, the relationship isn't going to last very long.
DeleteNick you are indeed very lucky people to have met each other. Here's to many more happy years of harmonious shared traits.
ReplyDeletePolly: Thanks. We'll do our best to stay harmonious!
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