I'm very lucky. Other people experience despair on a regular basis, even a daily basis if they're extremely poor, heavily in debt, coping with a serious disability or suffering domestic violence.
I've been in tough situations where it was hard to see any way out, but I never sank into black despair. I always believed there was light at the end of the tunnel, things would get better, the crisis would pass.
Even when I lived in a spartan and freezing bedsit and couldn't afford anywhere really comfortable, and the landlord refused to do any necessary repairs, and my upstairs neighbour was a raucous alcoholic, I never lost hope that things would eventually improve. And they did.
Even when we were selling our London flat and moving to Belfast, and the prospective buyer went on stalling and delaying for months, and we seemed to be going nowhere, I never sank into despair (though I got pretty near it). We just kept pushing and prodding until finally the sale was completed and we were off.
But this is all utterly trivial compared to what others go through. I can't imagine the wrenching despair felt by those unlucky people caught in the catastrophic floods in Yorkshire and Nottinghamshire - their homes and businesses ruined and their lives turned upside down. Or the despair felt by longstanding migrants to Britain who're suddenly told by the government they aren't welcome here and should leave the country. That's real, overwhelming despair.
I've been lucky so far. But despair may be just lying in wait.
My best wishes that your fear does not translate into reality.
ReplyDeleteRamana: Thank you. Hopefully it won't.
DeleteI don' t quite agree with your definition of despair. Despair can be momentary, short lived (before you realise that the light at the end of the tunnel is that of an oncoming train). You wouldn't be human if you haven't experienced, if only fleetingly, that sensation of "What now?".
ReplyDeleteSince you mention the Home Office: About ten years ago (and once again since) I was plunged into a nightmare, for six months, of Kafkaesque proportions. Was I in despair? I don't know. Let's just say that I was bewildered and my survival instinct kicked in big time.
On a more general note, Nick, whilst still staying with the subject you raise in your post: Don't you agree that in order to enjoy the good in life we need to, occasionally, plummet the depths? To put it simply, no meal is appreciated more than when we are truly hungry.
U
Ursula: Yes, I know people refer to very fleeting crises as being in despair, but I would just call that a moment of panic or anxiety. One dictionary definition of despair is "the complete loss or absence of hope."
DeleteI agree the good things are appreciated more if we've also been through the wringer a few times. I think that's a classic Buddhist belief - that love and hate, joy and misery etc. are two halves of the same coin.
I don't know whether I've experienced despair, certainly I've had deep and dark depression, feelings of wanting to kill myself (maybe that was despair?) I imagine despair is without even a tiny light of hope.
ReplyDeleteI certainly sort out the material from the emotional in that feeling. Housing, etc. That can be fleeting but existential can linger, old harrowing experiences seek the light now and again and then plunge me into darkness but not lasting as long as they used to.
XO
WWW
www: I would say depression and suicidal thoughts are a reaction to despair, rather than despair itself. But maybe it feels to you like they're overlapping or feeding off each other?
DeleteI can't imagine losing all hope.
ReplyDeleteBijoux: It must be the most awful experience.
DeleteWe've been so lucky. Fingers crossed it continues.
ReplyDeleteJean: Ditto!
DeleteI think we have all been very very lucky Nick if we have not experienced despair, but I also think some of it is temperament.
ReplyDeleteJenny: I think you're right. Some of us are resilient enough not to feel despair, even in disastrous circumstances, while other more vulnerable souls despair very easily.
DeleteI have been lucky enough not to have experienced despair...but have seen it once or twice in clients - horrifying for them, unable to see any way out of their state which only served to reinforce the despair.
ReplyDeleteFly: As you say, the more impossible your situation looks, the more you despair.
DeleteHere's a story about a navy man hounded by the Navy to cover up its shortcomings:
ReplyDeletehttps://www.propublica.org/article/blame-over-justice-the-human-toll-of-the-navy-relentless-push-to-punish-one-of-its-own?utm_source=pardot&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=majorinvestigations
How much can one man and his family take?
Jean: That's a chilling story of how the Navy relentlessly pursued an unlucky commander until he developed PTSD and severe mental problems. It seems like the old ploy of wanting to find a scapegoat to keep the Navy top brass happy.
DeleteI've had a couple of moments of despair but I got through them. My very kind loving mother-in-law used to say "Nothing is ever as good or bad as you imagine it to be"
ReplyDeletePolly: Very wise words from your mother in law. It's easy to get things out of proportion.
DeleteI wouldn't say I've ever had any long-lasting despair. But I have periods when I would have called what I was feeling despair. When I got the phone call saying I had cancer, I had it. When I found out I needed chemo, a prospect that has terrified me all my life, I had it. But in general, I stay relatively positive. If something ever happened to one of my kids, though, all bets are off.
ReplyDeleteAgent: I'm sure I would feel the same if I was told I needed chemo. It sounds so drastic and so debilitating. And yes, if anything happened to your kids....
DeleteBeen there, done that.
ReplyDeleteI bounce back quickly but resilience hasn't prevented me from experiencing great lows
Kylie: I suppose the main thing is that you recovered from the great lows and soldiered on.
DeleteThe last 18 months as you know, have been the hardest and most upsetting times in my life
ReplyDeleteI'm getting through it
As most of us do!
One foot in front of the other nick
And a big thank you for supporters xx
John: You must have had many moments of despair during that time. Luckily you have plenty of friends (and blogmates) to help you through it. As you say, one foot in front of the other....
Delete