I'm sure I'm not the only one. How many of us are prepared to take it further if we risk violence, abuse or some other kind of retaliation? I suspect most people would hesitate before diving in.
When I was working at a London bookshop once, one of the staff quite casually walked out with two bulging carrier bags of stolen books. Nobody said a word. None of the other staff, including me, were prepared to intervene. Why, I couldn't say. I guess we were all waiting for someone else to make the first move.
Another time Jenny and I were in a supermarket when the manager stopped an elderly man who was walking out with some stolen cheese and physically knocked him to the floor. On this occasion we took action. We were so disgusted by this inhuman response that we abandoned a trolley full of shopping and took our custom elsewhere.
When I see a mother shouting and screaming at her truculent child, I'm tempted to defend the child and tell her to calm down. I don't though because I tell myself that (a) it's none of my business and (b) what right do I have as a non-parent to criticise her behaviour? But that allows her to keep shouting and screaming.
There are more trivial misdeeds - dog shit left on the pavement, parked cars blocking cycle lanes, people dropping litter. But I can't object to everything, I'd soon be known as the mad bossyboots at number 90. So I keep quiet and let them get away with it.
My mother was bolder, a shameless busybody. She was always embarrassing me by ticking people off for their bad behaviour.
I'd end up ticking her off for ticking people off.
Depends on what it is...ill treatment of an animal...yes, I'm in.
ReplyDeleteMother shouting at toddler...let them get on with it as my intervention will only escalate things.
Kids vandalising my garden...cart them off to their parents and have a row.
Somebody hassling me...tell them where they get off.
Mark you, most of this would be in my younger days in the U.K. when society was not so violent as it is depicted today.
Fly: It does depend on the situation. Some cry out for action, some don't. And as you say, society has got more violent so people are more cautious about intervening.
DeleteI have had my share of crusading when I was younger and got assaulted once for going to the rescue of a woman being bashed around by her husband. And, hold your breath, the assaulter was thw woman who asked me to mind my own business! As I grew older, I got more circumspect and now I hardly ever go out and miss out on a lot of fun and games that younger friends and relatives seem to be having.
ReplyDeleteRamana: That's unusual, a woman telling you to butt out rather than the man. But I think that's a common attitude now, telling you to keep your nose out of it.
DeleteI don't think the world is more violent is just with media we are more aware of it. I do intervene if there is backup around. I am not foolhardy enough to do so with no witnesses and risk my life. I've been verbally assaulted a few times (in front of their children, no less) and a friend in Dublin was knocked to the ground and robbed because of her intervention in an assault.
ReplyDeleteNo I can't stand by. I would have phoned the police when the old man with the cheese was assaulted.
XO
WWW
www: Yes, back up would make a difference. Wading into something on your own is risky. What happened to your Dublin friend seems very typical unfortunately. We didn't think of calling the police over the old man. Perhaps we should have.
DeleteI think calling the police is the best approach if someone is being assaulted. If it's a woman yelling at her kid but no violence I would stay out of it. Except maybe to ask her if there was something I could do to help --- she might just be at the end of her rope at that minute. Even that might be risky, not knowing the circumstances.
ReplyDeleteJean: You just never know how someone's going to react. They might be compliant or they might be furious. You really have to think twice before getting stuck in.
DeleteDefinitely situational. I'd report a fellow employee who was stealing and I would for certain call 911 if someone was being assaulted (I would not intervene if I was concerned for my own safety). I've taken the passive aggressive approach when I see someone littering . . . I will say, "Oh, I think you dropped something!" LOL
ReplyDeleteBijoux: If I'd been on my own, I might well have reported the guy who was stealing books. But somehow with the rest of the staff there, I didn't feel free to take action.
DeleteI have been the mother at the end of her rope. Someone intervening would have been appreciated depending on how they did it--supportive rather than attacking. Maybe saying, "It looks like you're both having a bad day; is there any way I can help?"
ReplyDeleteLinda: That sounds like a sensible way of responding. I would have thought any distraught mother would welcome an offer of support.
DeleteUse your good sense. If it's life threatening, intervene. Otherwise, let it be. As for the mother berating a child, it would be kind to try to help.
ReplyDeleteJoanne: That's a good rule of thumb too. Though there's still the possibility that a violent man or woman will turn their violence on the "do-gooder".
DeleteI am with your mother. Busybody doesn't come into it. You do what needs to be done. To put it another way, in the immortal words of the Angel, that I haven't yet had my visage rearranged is a miracle. Maybe, but I am a diffuser; maybe A gift. I don't know why but I am fearless of other people, to the point that made my mother's hair stand on end when I was still under her tutelage . I have intervened in violent fights between bunches of drunkards, in the middle of the night (without back-up as one of your readers suggests). I have done on more than one occasion what Linda above suggested. The art is in NOT berating the mother but to give her (and the child) a breather, an opportunity to press the reset button. However, where I actively do turn a blind eye is when it comes to stealing. In particular when it comes to groceries. We live in a world of CCTV where our every move in public is recorded. So for someone to take the risk they must be pretty desperate - good luck to them I say. Your colleague? I'd have had a quiet word with him.
ReplyDeleteOh, and then there was that guy in Greece who treated his young Alsation dog abominably. Did I intervene? You bet. But you need to know HOW. And "how" is most certainly not being confrontational.
Interesting subject, Nick, and Kudos to you that you acknowledge your shortcomings in this context. As to the old man and his cheese: Unlike you I wouldn't have taken my business elsewhere. I'd have given that security guy one of my looks of utter disdain (my dark brown eyes which, apparently, flash when I am angry, are good at that), helped the man up and paid for his cheese.
Saintly yours,
Robina Hood, the saviour of the lost, beaten and underdogs
Ursula: Goodness, you do believe in comprehensive, nothing-left-out comments! I admire your fearlessness, there can't be many people so bold. You're probably right about CCTV discouraging anyone but the desperate. Good suggestion to pay for the old man's cheese, we should have done that.
DeleteKudos to you for intervening in violent fights between bunches of drunkards, in the middle of the night. Even a small gathering of noisy youths can make me distinctly nervous and hurrying to get past them.
To some extent, not least when it comes to men losing a grip, it does help to be a woman when intervening with the out of control and complete strangers. Maybe it's primal (as the Angel would say) but there does appear to be a reverence among men towards a woman trying to appease, something I first observed with my grandmother (and she was tiny). Maybe that's her legacy to me.
DeleteAs to being "comprehensive" in my replies. Indeed, Nick. To me it is a matter of courtesy to show any of my correspondents that I read them, hear them, give a bit of time to reflect on their thoughts/blogpost. Sound bites are for cocktail parties.
U
Ursula: I think some men do tend to be "squaring up for a fight", which doesn't help. I wouldn't know about a general male reverence towards women, I don't have much to do with other men.
DeleteIt's good to know you like to read my posts thoroughly and reflect on them. Fair enough! Soundbites are for cocktail parties? Yes, you have a point there.
I remember when the police were called at our local supermarket because a man had stolen a bag of potatoes. Everybody rushed to offer to pay for them because we could all see that he'd only taken them out of desperation. In the end Social Services sorted it all out and it ended well but surely no one should feel so hungry these days?
ReplyDeleteS and S: That's brilliant that so many people rushed to pay for the potatoes. Indeed, the fact that so many people are going hungry in one of the world's richest countries is scandalous.
DeleteWe lived in a not very good neighborhood when I was awakened by a woman screaming. I called 911. Turned out my neighbor's young wife was throwing a tantrum because her husband wouldn't take her dancing. Oh, well.
ReplyDeleteLinda: Not quite what you imagined! You were right to call the police though, it could have been something serious.
DeleteWhen you see a parent yelling at a child, they are probably both exhausted. no need to tell them to calm down but you could offer help. It's non-judgemental and it intervenes discreetly. Even if your offer isn't accepted, it will probably change the dynamic
ReplyDeleteKylie: Good thinking, I'll bear that in mind. As you know, I'm not a parent so that perspective never occurred to me.
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