Thursday, 17 April 2014

Bedroom secrets

A lot of people don't like to talk about their negative bedroom habits. Or their partner's. And I don't just mean sexual, I mean all those other little things that can drive the other person nuts.

Like snoring. Or hogging the duvet. Or being overheated. Or smoking in bed. Or eating pungent food in bed. Or sleeping with the dog.

I think most of us couples like to give the impression that everything in the bedroom is just fine. We get into bed, we snuggle up together, we make love, we read for a while, we fall soundly asleep. All very cosy and comfortable.

It's not really the done thing to admit to all the petty irritations and annoyances, the things our partner detests, the things that keep us awake, the things we're ashamed of. What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom, right?

Which is why people don't like to admit they sleep separately. That can trigger all sorts of false assumptions about sexual problems, marital difficulties, incompatibility, other personal failings. There are good reasons for sleeping apart, but they're not the ones other people think of.

And we like to give the impression that even if we do have the odd infuriating bedroom habit (which of course is highly unlikely), our partner is infinitely tolerant and understanding and would never see it as an insurmountable problem, more an endearing and amusing foible that only makes them love us all the more.

So true to form, I'm not going to reveal any of my iffy bedroom habits, or any of Jenny's. Suffice it to say that we don't sleep separately (that's the honest truth, guv) and that we enjoy snuggling up together.

And that's all you're going to get out of me, whatever blandishments you offer. My lips are now firmly sealed.

(Thanks to Ramana for the inspiration)

28 comments:

John Gray said...

If you can put up with the snoring, the dogs in bed, the farts and the duvet hugging

That's love

Nick said...

John: I totally agree. Bedroom habits can be a serious test of true love.

susie said...

A friend told me that builders are building houses with two master bedrooms/baths since so many couples sleep separately.

Wisewebwoman said...

You don't offer up much, Nick.

XO
WWW

Nick said...

Susie: Really? That's fascinating. There must be a lot of people out there who like to have their own space and simply don't want to put up with their partner's quirks.

www: Ooh, you're shamelessly probing! Well, my personal habits are all very banal - occasional snoring, being too hot, moving around when Jenny's trying to drink tea, disturbing her when she's sleeping. Nothing we would ever come to blows over.

Grannymar said...

Best way to begin and end the day, is snuggled up with your soul-mate. I still miss my life size human hot water bottle.

Nick said...

Grannymar: I know, having someone to snuggle up to should be a basic human right!

Rummuser said...

So should your lips be.

Secret Agent Woman said...

Snoring and moving around are things outside your control, so not a bother to me. But eating in bed and so on? Not so much.

Ursula said...

Yeah well,I have been lucky. My second husband and I agreed to individual duvets. When the Angel came between us (his head near the food source, his feet digging into his father's back) the Angel and I moved to another bedroom.

Husband number one hated my munching an apple last thing at night. The noise got on his nerves. Talk about an apple a day keeping the doctor away. More aggro than worth it. And I love apples. The other thing he took offence to (why are people so easily offended)that I turned my back to him - on going to sleep. It was nothing personal. Dear dog in heaven, Nick. I have shared an awful lot of bed with people in my life - not least my siblings. I learnt a lot about one of my sisters during the night - she talks in her sleep.

There is one misconception about separate beds, and it's so important I need to mention - another time.

U

Nick said...

Ramana: Unfortunately Wise Web Woman has already punctured my resolve.

Agent: We always have breakfast in bed on Sundays, and very enjoyable it is too. But it's only toast and marmalade, not a plate of greasy fried food.

Nick said...

Ursula: Jenny and I have always had individual duvets, which avoids all the duvet-hogging tendencies.

We wouldn't have any objection to apple-munching in bed, though Jenny dislikes (what she claims is) my noisy eating, either in or out of bed.

A misconception about separate beds? Do tell....

Z said...

I much prefer sleeping in a separate room from my husband. This is because I sleep so badly, so any movement from him wakes me up and I can't sleep again for several hours. It's not unusual for me to be awake for 5 hours in the night. Sometimes, that's nothing to do with him, but if I'm alone, I can listen to the radio (4 Extra is brilliant on the iPlayer), go and make tea, switch on the light and read. If he's there, I just have to lie there. After nearly 41 years of marriage, I want to sleep alone. Sadly, he's not keen, so we have to compromise, to no one's satisfaction.

Nick said...

Z: As I said, there are good reasons for sleeping apart. Not being able to sleep properly because of the other person's movements is a very common one, I think. And you're right, if you're awake and on your own you can do whatever you want without disturbing the other person. It all makes perfect sense.

It's a shame he doesn't understand. Presumably he sees your sleeping separately as some kind of rejection of him.

Keith Smith said...

I like the arrangement I have now. I sleep alone, and so does my ex-wife, about ten miles away, and that's still too close for my liking.

Nick said...

Keith: Smiley face! I'd better not question you too closely about the ex-wife situation, there's a lot of hurt there, I'm sure.

Bijoux said...

Despite prescription meds, my spouse still suffers heartburn symptoms, so spends most of the night sleeping in upright position in the family room. We share a bed for about 3 hours a night.

Nick said...

Bijoux: When I get heartburn, I usually find a large glass of water gets rid of it quite quickly. But I expect he's tried that already. Sleeping upright is no fun.

Ursula said...

Bijoux and Nick, what I'd like to know: Why is it called "heartburn" when, clearly, only both your stomach and oesophagus are to blame?

Yes, I know: Ask a stupid question you'll get an even stupider answer.

Can't wait.

U

Bijoux said...

Ursula, No clue, though if I were to guess, I would suppose a lay person described it as a burning sensation near the heart.

Nick, it's genetic and he actually has Barrett's Esophagus, so home remedies do nothing.

Nick said...

Ursula: I think it's called heartburn because that's what it feels like.

Bijoux: Oh I see, pardon my ignorance. Constant discomfort with no obvious remedy is very hard to deal with.

Suburbia said...

It's a minefield out there!

Nick said...

Suburbia: That's a very enigmatic comment! I take it you've had a bedroom skirmish or two over irritating habits....

Bijoux said...

Oh no problem, Nick. We've all got something!

Sol said...

get a super king bed and all the movement problems disappear.

and no eating or drinking in bed. that is how our house works.

Nick said...

Sol: Well, unless one of you insists on spreading their body right across the bed, star-wise.

Z said...

Sol, we've had a king size bed for years and we've never had food, drink nor a tv in the bedroom. I'm afraid it doesn't cure the problem.

Nick said...

Z: I think what you're saying is that some problems are not to do with the bed as such, they are more problems of physical and behavioural compatibility.