Saturday, 24 August 2013

Thoroughly decent

I'm sure you've all had quite enough of me rambling on about my 101 neuroses. Just for a change then, I'm going to blow my own trumpet and tell you what a thoroughly decent and honourable person I am.

So at the risk of seeming smug, patronising, supercilious, self-righteous, holier-than-thou, goodie-goodie-two-shoes etc etc, here are all my thoroughly lovely qualities:

1) I don't harbour malicious thoughts about friends, loved ones or workmates.
2) I don't make anonymous attacks on Twitter.
3) I'm not interested in porn.
4) I'm not misogynistic, homophobic or transphobic.
5) I'm deeply disturbed by all the poverty, violence, misery and oppression in the world.
6) I've never had an extra-marital affair.
7) I like fluffy kittens and cupcakes.
8) I mind my own business and try not to judge other people's lives.
9) I don't gossip, and I'm good at keeping secrets.
10) I don't annoy the neighbours with loud music or all-night parties.
11) I deplore machismo and male posturing.
12) I do my share of the housework.
13) I'm a good listener.
14) I don't hide my emotions.
15) I'm not easily offended.
16) I'm not the jealous type.
17) I like teddy bears and ice cream.
18) I'm not an angry or bad-tempered person.
19) I do all my own laundry.
20) I take off my high heels on delicate parquet flooring.

26 comments:

e said...

You are also quite funny...I'd love to see a snap of those heels.

Ursula said...

I don't believe a word of it.

And what's this nonsense about doing your OWN laundry? How about doing someone else's too?

U

Z said...

Practically perfect! ;)

Nick said...

e: I'll see what I can do....

Ursula: Well, I was stressing that my laundry is not done for me. In fact both of us fill up and operate the washing machine, and both of us hang out the washing. But we each do our own ironing.

Z: Very kind of you!

Jenny Woolf said...

I was wondering if you'd mention the heels, y'know..... :D

Grannymar said...

Nick, you forgot not wearing the soft pink bedroom mules with the swansdown pom pom, when you go to the bin or the clothesline!!

Nick said...

Jenny: I had to emphasise that I'm very considerate of people's beautiful floors. I don't like to be without my heels but sometimes you just have to make a sacrifice....

Grannymar: Um, I think I might have been guilty of that once or twice. *blushes*

Bijoux said...

I like cupcakes, too :)

Rummuser said...

I am very pleased to meet you Mr. Decnet Person.

Nick said...

Bijoux: How could anyone NOT like cupcakes?

Ramana: Could that by any chance be a typo?

Nick said...

So far only one person has been cheeky enough to suggest I might be telling porkies. If you all believe every word, I'm pleasantly surprised.

Of course I've carefully left out the bank robberies and the extortionate loans to confused pensioners.

Nick said...

Hmmm, it seems people are much more interested in my 101 neuroses....

kylie said...

nick you know good stuff never hits the headlines

Nick said...

Kylie: Well, it does, but yes, people are fascinated by the salacious, the titillating, the sensational. And I don't exclude myself....

Rummuser said...

Yes and I apologise.

Nick said...

Ramana: Of course Decnet might be some interesting website I didn't know about. With hints on decorating the house perhaps?

kylie said...

are you even on twitter?

Nick said...

Kylie: No, I'm not, I regard it as totally undignified to spend my life "tweeting" in 140-character easily-digestible chunks. Jenny likes Twitter though.

bonsaimum said...

If you could bottle yourself, you'd make millions!!

Nick said...

Bonsaimum: He he. I'm working on it!

John Gray said...

I have always thought of you as a bit of a sweetie

Nick said...

John: Thank you! I think you're a bit of a sweetie too....

Suburbia said...

A pic of you in your heels please?!!!!

Nick said...

Suburbia: I'm working on it! Don't you think all these men in suits would look much more dashing if they were also in heels?

Liz said...

Yes, you do sound quite practically perfect!

Jay at The Depp Effect said...

Hahahaaha!! I love the last one. Now you know, we DO need to see a picture. ;)