Sunday, 26 August 2012

Weighty secrets

I don't like having secrets. They feel like a burden, a rock on my back. I want to be a totally open person, revealing myself without any inhibitions or squeamishness.

Unfortunately so many people are censorious and intolerant, and likely to trample all over whatever I happen to tell them, that in practice I'm extremely secretive, keeping all sorts of things to myself for fear of the consequences if I don't.

Stuff about sex. About gender. About relationships. About phobias. About prejudices. About extreme emotions.

I find this a tremendous load to bear. There is so much I want to share with other people - to get their views, their advice, their own experience of the same things. But I have to stay silent and work through them all on my own.

Obviously I'm not talking about things people tell me in confidence. Those stay secret for a good reason. But all this other personal stuff locked inside me like junk in the attic - I just want to let it all out, let it circulate, do something with it.

Some people enjoy having secrets, knowing things that others don't know. They like having bits of themselves that are theirs and theirs alone, that can't be taken away or spoiled. The last thing they want to do is share them with all and sundry.

I don't feel like that at all. I really want to let it all hang out. Having so many secrets that aren't public currency makes me feel isolated, shut off, detached from other people like some sort of awkward outsider. And it makes me feel abnormal, weird, perverted, as if I'm harbouring some monstrous tendency that mustn't be let loose.

I want to bare my soul. But not to a hostile audience with axes to grind.

Thanks to Leah for the inspiration 

35 comments:

Scarlet Blue said...

You do worry me sometimes, Nick. I'd suggest talking to someone in the real world... OR writing a private blog where you can share your thoughts with the trusted few.
I don't like to think of you as someone who feels isolated or abnormal, I'm sure you're not.
Sx

kylie said...

try us nick, you underestimate our powers of acceptance

Leah said...

Saying that you want to open up is a big step toward opening up, in fact it is in itself a way of being open.

You know, don't you Nick, that many of us are a half bubble off plumb so to speak. It would be an ideal world indeed in which everyone accepted everyone else, but the best you can do is try to surround yourself with people with whom you can be real (whatever real means, I'm not 100% sure...). If you find even a few people like that, you are golden! And it's not such a tall order, if you can open yourself up to the possiblilty that some people will accept you and fuck the rest. And I know for a fact that you can be open to that possibility. Once you start opening up, it gets easier.

Leah said...

I hope that made some sense...

Nick said...

Scarlet: Unfortunately most of the people I know in the real world are not the sort of people I would trust with my most personal thoughts and feelings. A private blog might be worth a try.

I know I'm not really isolated or abnormal, but sometimes it feels that way.

Kylie: So you keep saying! It seems I'm underestimating other people's openmindedness.

Nick said...

Leah: This is the problem, the people I run into are not people I feel I can be "real" with. Or at least that's how they appear to me. Am I totally misjudging them? Am I assuming they're more narrow-minded than they actually are? Maybe I am.

Macy said...

What Scarlet said, Nick. A private blog is probably the thing if you're feeling isolaterd - don't publish anything here that you wouldn't want every man and his wife to read will you?

Nick said...

Macy: Actually it's only you guys who read this blog, so it's virtually a private blog anyway. And I only feel isolated in terms of things I'm not telling anyone. I don't feel isolated generally, I have plenty of contact with other people.

kylie said...

i dont want to know if you are necrophiliac

Cheerful Monk said...

If you do decide to have a private blog please include me. I'm nonjudgmental and love reading about how other people experience the world.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I have been chastised by family members for sharing personal thoughts and experiences on my blog, but I have rarely been censored by my blog friends. I think you should consider giving it a whirl, Nick. We just might surprise you.

Nick said...

I think you lot are very lucky, you all seem to have plenty of kindred spirits you can be yourself with. I don't have any kindred spirits - apart from Jenny of course. Perhaps I'm just not looking in the right places.

Nick said...

Kylie: I can assure you I'm not a necrophiliac. Or a child molester or a serial killer or a collector of matchbox labels.

Monk: As I say, this is virtually a private blog anyway so I think I'll just keep going with this one. But I shall bear in mind that you're nonjudgmental!

Heart: I keep hearing this "We might just surprise you." Perhaps I should have more trust in my blogmates. After all, some of you have stuck with me for a very long time....

Grannymar said...

I might be a day late (was offline all day yesterday) But I am, I hope, a good listener both virtually and in real life and always ready for a cup of coffee. Anything shared with me goes no further. So far I have never been shocked by anything that was shared with me.

I have one friend who has an unusual shaped boulder in her garden beside a garden seat, she regularly sits and confides her innermost thoughts to the boulder. Another whispers to a stone and then tosses it in a lake.

Nick said...

Grannymar: All these unshockable blogmates, I'm quite surprised. I don't think confiding in a boulder would work for me, it would have to be real people. And I must sort out a date for that cup of coffee....

Nick said...

I'm coming round to the idea of a private blog. I think it might encourage me to be franker and less guarded. But would people really want to read a load of dreary self-analysis, which is what I suspect it would turn into?

Grannymar said...

You will never know the answer until you try.

If it helps, I can always clear the chaise longue and charge a hefty fee by the hour! ;)

Nick said...

Grannymar: Therapy, huh? But what are your qualifications? How do I know you're not a backstreet charlatan?

Rummuser said...

Try me. I am the soul of discretion.

Nick said...

Ramana: Are you sure? There are some very interesting stories popping up on your blog!

Liz said...

No, I like my secrets. Most of my dirty washing is hung out on my blog though.
You're also very open on your blog - in a private sort of way. What more could you possibly have to share? Oh, wait, I know ...

Nick said...

Liz: You know what else I have to share? Oh, do tell....

So you like your secrets? Is that for the reasons I suggested, or for some other reason?

Ursula said...

Nick, not only do I hear what you are saying, I also understand.

I am a very private person. So private it irritates the hell out of some people, strangers, friends and family alike.

Guess what happened when I opened up, nothing sensational (entirely related to my then finances) to a person I would have trusted with my life. Exactly. She couldn't wait to share it with all and sundry. It's some three/four years ago and I am still bleeding at what I perceive as betrayal. The fallout of which has had a most amazing impact on my life.

Be careful what you wish for, Nick. You clearly have, don't we all, a strong desire to be understood. It's not possible. By way of comfort, not that it is any: If I wrote (or said) all I think I'd probably be dead. Murdered. Dispatched into outer space. Imprisoned for improper mind conduct.

Not for the first time have you expressed a strong longing to connect. And that's good. And it does you honour that you are able to say you do. So many people do lock up shop. Bury themselves before the time comes. You haven't. Take heart from that, Nick. The human condition isn't the easiest.

Fact is, Nick, and it is a fact: We can't let it all hang out. It's impossible. Not for nothing, oh do I hate psycho babble, was the term "boundaries" coined.Some boundaries are imposed, others we have to draw ourselves.

I'd be very careful about that 'private blog' idea. Just because it's private doesn't mean you will be heard or won't be hurt.

I sincerely hope that you will take some comfort from what your other commentators have said, and even more comfort that I will think how best to bust that zit of yours - without leaving a scar. Or only an unnoticeable one.

One recomendation, Nick: Go for walks. Not of the strenuous kind. Just walk. Meandering. Looking at a daisy. Looking at the previously unnoticed. Does wonders for one's equilibrium.

In the meantime: Keep writing. You have a loyal following. And we all can read between the lines.

U

Scarlet Blue said...

...she's not wrong... Ms Ursula.
Sx

kylie said...

it sounds to me as if your cover will soon be blown, nick!

Nick said...

Ursula: Thanks for that very thoughtful comment. It's precisely because I'm afraid of the sort of betrayal of trust you mention that I keep so many things to myself. When I say I would like to be totally open, that's only an aspiration. It doesn't mean I'm going to spill everything from tomorrow. I shall remain secretive on all sorts of things for fear of the consequences.

I'm holding back on the private blog idea again, as I've heard a very negative view on one particular blog. A view which you've just added to.

I do a lot of walking, and it is indeed therapeutic.

I do have a loyal following, and I'm very grateful for it. I've had a lot of very useful and sympathetic advice.

Nick said...

Scarlet: Ursula has some very sensible advice. Sometimes it's wise to keep your lips very firmly sealed and trust no one.

Kylie: My cover will soon be blown? On what exactly? My hair extensions?

Rummuser said...

They are my stories. Yours will be safe with me unless you permit me to share with my readers.

Nick said...

Ramana: Ah, that's reassuring!

kylie said...

whatever it is that we all read between the lines

Nick said...

Kylie: You're being very cryptic. But I can guess what you're referring to.

Jenny Woolf said...

It helps to have one or two people you can confide in in real life. There are always the Samaritans, or volunteer counsellers working with charities, but I hope the problems are not that bad, Nick.
Personally I'd be a bit bothered about a private blog because it can be hacked, I think I'd write it all down on a bit of paper and burn it or alternatively leave it around so a chosen few could find it. I am sorry you're feeling bad about it all, though. Secrecy can be a nasty burden to bear.

Nick said...

Jenny: Oh goodness no, nothing that requires the Samaritans! I didn't mean to give the impression I was at my wits' end or sunk in despair. I only meant that having a lot of secrets seems like a big burden sometimes.

Yes, I've abandoned the idea of a private blog for various reasons. If it might be hacked, that's another good reason for not bothering.

blackwatertown said...

Leah - funny - bubble off plumb - hadn't heard that before.

Ursula - good advice to consider (as you've have been) the consequences - though sometimes a leap of faith or imagination is what is required to break out of or into a new place.
And the going for a walk idea is a good one too.

Nick - you may already have the right people to confide in amongst your connections.

Nick said...

Paul: There's one particular person I'm confiding in at the moment, and I'm very appreciative of her interest and open-mindedness.