- Good morning, Nickhereandnow, Melanie speaking, how may I help you?
- I'm very disappointed, Melanie. There hasn't been a blog post since last Saturday.
- I'm sorry about that. All the creative staff are on a team-building week in the Maldives.
- Holy catfish. Isn't there anyone left in the office to create a new post?
- There was Benedict. But he had to be rushed to hospital.
- Oh dear, why was that?
- Some sort of auto-erotic experiment that went wrong. Not the first time. And there was Lawrence, but he's having the gender-change op today. Oh, did I say Lawrence? I meant Lavinia of course.
- All a bit of an omnishambles, isn't it? Didn't anybody leave any notes for a new post?
- Oh yes, there are lots of notes, but Mr Nick has rejected all of them. He's very discerning, you know, certain standards have to be maintained. We have a very high reputation which mustn't be tarnished. Apparently Her Majesty the Queen reads the blog regularly.
- But what am I to do? Nickhereandnow is my lifeblood. I'm lost without it. I might have to kill myself.
- Oh, quite the drama queen, aren't we? I bet you say that to all the girls.
- I am a girl.
- I do apologise. You have such a deep voice.
- I know. My vocal chords were damaged by a fish bone.
- How extraordinary. Is there anything else I can do for you? Life insurance? Double glazing? Liposuction? Wart removal?
- Certainly not. I shall go away and rummage in the archives.
- Thank you for calling Nickhereandnow. Your interest is appreciated. Have a nice day.
(Melanie slams phone down, as Mr Nick approaches in a fuchsia blouse, pencil skirt and three-inch heels)
Pic: the indispensable Melanie
Who knew that a tale of staffing problems and customer service could hold such a wealth of interesting tidbits?
ReplyDeleteNickhereandnow, you are a revelation wrapped in a riddle! Or is that a riddle wrapped in a revelation?
(And "omnishambles" is, by the way, a great word)
ReplyDeletePlease be aware that your home is at risk if you do not keep writing comments on the Scarlet Blue Blog.
Best Wishes for the Festive Season from the team at Scarlet Blue.
Sx
Leah - I'm a revelation wrapped in a riddle enclosed in a conundrum. And then re-arranged a bit.
ReplyDeleteScarlet - Oh no, Nick Towers could be at risk? After all my hard work to make it the country's icon of interior design? I'd better rush to the Scarlet Blue bistro and blogging epicentre without delay.
Leah: Oh, I forgot to mention, omnishambles was a word coined by a Labour MP to describe an especially disastrous week for the government.
ReplyDeletedont you know ANYTHING
ReplyDeleteyou should NeVER wear fuchsia with heels!
John: Oh, I'm a fashionista, darling, I can make up new rules any time I like.
ReplyDeleteFuchsia is just your colour. Did you get the matching streak in your hair? Go easy on those heels and remember to remove them before skipping up the stairs!
ReplyDeleteGrannymar: Are you implying I can't handle a pair of high heels? How very dare you.
ReplyDeleteNever mind the fashion, chaps, what about the creative team? Any vacancies?
ReplyDeleteSpeccy: There may be one or two coming up. But there are always thousands of applications for such prestigious jobs, so you'd have to offer something very special. A substantial bribe, for example.
ReplyDeletethree inch heels sound a bit on the low side, dowdy even.
ReplyDeleteof course if they are white that will make up for everything
Kylie: I always think white is a bit dowdy myself. Fuchsia heels more likely.
ReplyDeleteGoodness, these comments are like some forum for cross-dressers. How did we get so focused on female clothing?
Melanie, the next time the old you know what calls, simply say, press one for English, Press two for Hindi, Press three for Bengali and if you do not know any of those languages, too bad and disconnect.
ReplyDeleteRamana: That sounds like excellent advice. Except for English I would substitute Urdu. No point in being too helpful, it only encourages them.
ReplyDeleteWhen bereft of ideas, just turn to Michael D Higgins - this is fun - but you have to listen right to the end.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/08/23/michael-d-higgins-takes-down-michael-graham_n_1825812.html?utm_hp_ref=world
Paul: Can't get into this link at the moment. Will try again later. Ideas come and go, I just have to wait for inspiration.
ReplyDeleteHow is Lavinia doing after her surgery? Well, I hope. Is Andrej Pejic really male? He is far more beautiful than most of the women I have seen, ever. I'll have what (s)he's having.
ReplyDeleteHeart: Lavinia is doing very well and overjoyed that she is now a lot more female. She tells me she has been approached by a famous model agency....
ReplyDeleteAndrej Pejic is apparently male, but whether this has been officially confirmed I don't know. But he is 6'2" and takes shoe size 10. He is totally gorgeous.