It was time to pay another visit to my invaluable therapist Dr Melissa Flinch. There was a nagging problem I needed to discuss with her."Melissa" I began, as I sank into the luxuriously upholstered armchair amid the jungle of pot plants, "I'm puzzled. Men are supposed to be obsessed with sex and pornography. They're said to be constantly distracted by the thought of beautiful women they could be in bed with. That's why they have so many accidents and screw-ups all the time. They just don't have their mind on the job."
"And does that apply to you, Nick?"
"Absolutely not. I don't think of sex much at all. I think a lot more about food and coffee and books and useless politicians and washing-up. I find porn really boring, I've never bought a porn mag in my life. I don't care when I last got my rocks off. Does that mean I'm not a real man, Melissa?"
"Is there any such thing as a real man, Nick? And why would you want to be one? Does it matter if you're effeminate?"
I plucked an oatmeal and cinnamon cookie from the bowl. "Personally I'm quite happy to be effeminate. But all those hunky, thrusting men out there, all thinking non-stop about sex, they embarrass me. They assume I'm as horny as they are, that I share their fixation with busty blondes. If I said I was more interested in lemon drizzle cake or reducing poverty or Dexter Dalwood's paintings, they'd think I was lacking something. They'd think I was a traitor to my sex, a party-pooper. So I just keep quiet."
"And do you think you're a traitor to your sex?"
"Not at all. I've never identified with other men. I don't understand them and I don't understand masculinity. I feel far more comfortable with women. Their take on life is more like my own. Why should that be?"
"Sorry, Nick, your time is up. Love your lipstick, by the way. Is it L'Oreal?"
I gave her the tube and made off down the windy, deserted street. I'm not sure she helped me very much.
Gee Nick:
ReplyDeleteAren't you getting it a little backasswards?
Shouldn't men be coming to you with their hormone-driven, sex-obsessed lives?
Hang out the shingle, man.
Your life is nirvana.
XO
WWW
W3 - Hey, that's an idea. I can set up as a therapist and advise all these sex-mad males how to cool their rampant urges a little.
ReplyDeleteNirvana? I think not. I have my problems like everyone else!
I think that you are happy in your own skin... whilst other men put on lots of bravado because they are insecure... but I bet you'd be intersted to see what I can do with a banana?
ReplyDeleteSx
*interested
ReplyDeleteApologies... I got a little over excited.
Sx
Scarlet Blue, I am very interested in seeing ---------------- Nick's response!
ReplyDeleteNick, I hope you will come up to this thrusting man's expectation with your response.
Scarlet - I think you're right, so many men are chronically insecure, they're desperately chasing after some mythical virility-level enjoyed by other males. Sad.
ReplyDeleteYour banana-related skills are of no interest to me, but I'll pop round anyway for a cup of tea. I'll tell Jenny I've got to work late. Do stay over-excited a little longer....
Ramana - Goodness, what are your expectations exactly? I may have to disappoint you.
ReplyDeleteI'm with W3! Hang the word CONSULTANT on your door right away and soon guest appearance tours and a string of books will follow!
ReplyDeletePS: Scarlet and her banana tricks in the waiting room would soon bring in those punters. ;)
Hmmm Scarlet's sudden dependency on Bananas might actually be proof of a LACK of rampant men.
ReplyDeleteOff the A30 anyways....
Grannymar - I'm just pondering how much I could charge for a lecture. Maybe I could get away with £1000. Scarlet's banana tricks would not be welcome, they would be a thoroughly bad influence on the patients.
ReplyDeleteMacy - On the contrary, there's far too many rampant men clustered round Scarlet for my liking. She has to fight them off, the hairy beasts.
Max Factor is better than L'Oreal
ReplyDeleteMyra - Ooh, thanks for the tip, sweetie. Every girl deserves the very best!
ReplyDeletepost & comments are priceless!!
ReplyDeletewell done all
OMG
ReplyDeleteI can't believe ever missed Ramana's Freudian!
There I go again, mind in the gutter.
XO
WWW
Not ever, everybody.
ReplyDeleteSheesh, excited?
Nah....
XO
WWW
I have no words.
ReplyDeleteKylie - These comments are so exciting, I shall have to have a little lie-down.
ReplyDeleteW3 - Freud has a lot to answer for. Now we see double-meanings in the most innocent remarks. Goodness, more over-excitement. You girls really must restrain yourselves.
Baino - Don't tell me, you're too excited to string a sentence together. Honestly, things are getting a bit out of hand....
I would gladly trade all my machismo for a slice of lemon drizzle cake. Deal?
ReplyDeleteHeart - Machismo? What machismo? But I'll send you some lemon drizzle cake anyway. Jenny's lemon drizzle recipe is to die for....
ReplyDeleteLemon drizzle cake? Now you're talking!
ReplyDeleteMeanwhile they worry that you think they're lacking something because they can't bake a decent lemon drizzle cake. Everybody's worried that they aren't enough like everybody else in their own way, that's just the basic nature of the social beast!
ReplyDeleteLiz - There's nothing that lifts the spirits like a generous slice of lemon drizzle cake!
ReplyDeleteTattytiara - Very true, we've all got a conformist streak deep-down that makes us uncomfortable when we're a bit too different from everyone else.
While I don't like porn (I think it's generally demeaning to women), I do think about sex a fair amount. Not to the point of not being able to work, of course. Just last night the boyfriend said to me about my sex drive, "You're such a boy. I love that about you." Maybe gender stereotypes are just that - stereotypes.
ReplyDeleteSecret Agent - You're such a boy? Meaning you're as keen on sex as he is and you aren't all coy about it like some women? Gender stereotypes are mostly just that, stereotypes. But Jeez, how rigidly we still enforce them.
ReplyDeleteBasically. I think he finds it refreshing.
ReplyDelete