Thursday, 6 January 2011

Out of step

It was time to pay another visit to my invaluable therapist Dr Melissa Flinch. There was a nagging problem I needed to discuss with her.

"Melissa" I began, as I sank into the luxuriously upholstered armchair amid the jungle of pot plants, "I'm puzzled. Men are supposed to be obsessed with sex and pornography. They're said to be constantly distracted by the thought of beautiful women they could be in bed with. That's why they have so many accidents and screw-ups all the time. They just don't have their mind on the job."

"And does that apply to you, Nick?"

"Absolutely not. I don't think of sex much at all. I think a lot more about food and coffee and books and useless politicians and washing-up. I find porn really boring, I've never bought a porn mag in my life. I don't care when I last got my rocks off. Does that mean I'm not a real man, Melissa?"

"Is there any such thing as a real man, Nick? And why would you want to be one? Does it matter if you're effeminate?"

I plucked an oatmeal and cinnamon cookie from the bowl. "Personally I'm quite happy to be effeminate. But all those hunky, thrusting men out there, all thinking non-stop about sex, they embarrass me. They assume I'm as horny as they are, that I share their fixation with busty blondes. If I said I was more interested in lemon drizzle cake or reducing poverty or Dexter Dalwood's paintings, they'd think I was lacking something. They'd think I was a traitor to my sex, a party-pooper. So I just keep quiet."

"And do you think you're a traitor to your sex?"

"Not at all. I've never identified with other men. I don't understand them and I don't understand masculinity. I feel far more comfortable with women. Their take on life is more like my own. Why should that be?"

"Sorry, Nick, your time is up. Love your lipstick, by the way. Is it L'Oreal?"

I gave her the tube and made off down the windy, deserted street. I'm not sure she helped me very much.

25 comments:

Wisewebwoman said...

Gee Nick:
Aren't you getting it a little backasswards?
Shouldn't men be coming to you with their hormone-driven, sex-obsessed lives?
Hang out the shingle, man.
Your life is nirvana.
XO
WWW

Nick said...

W3 - Hey, that's an idea. I can set up as a therapist and advise all these sex-mad males how to cool their rampant urges a little.

Nirvana? I think not. I have my problems like everyone else!

Scarlet Blue said...

I think that you are happy in your own skin... whilst other men put on lots of bravado because they are insecure... but I bet you'd be intersted to see what I can do with a banana?
Sx

Scarlet Blue said...

*interested
Apologies... I got a little over excited.
Sx

rummuser said...

Scarlet Blue, I am very interested in seeing ---------------- Nick's response!

Nick, I hope you will come up to this thrusting man's expectation with your response.

Nick said...

Scarlet - I think you're right, so many men are chronically insecure, they're desperately chasing after some mythical virility-level enjoyed by other males. Sad.

Your banana-related skills are of no interest to me, but I'll pop round anyway for a cup of tea. I'll tell Jenny I've got to work late. Do stay over-excited a little longer....

Nick said...

Ramana - Goodness, what are your expectations exactly? I may have to disappoint you.

Grannymar said...

I'm with W3! Hang the word CONSULTANT on your door right away and soon guest appearance tours and a string of books will follow!

PS: Scarlet and her banana tricks in the waiting room would soon bring in those punters. ;)

Macy said...

Hmmm Scarlet's sudden dependency on Bananas might actually be proof of a LACK of rampant men.
Off the A30 anyways....

Nick said...

Grannymar - I'm just pondering how much I could charge for a lecture. Maybe I could get away with £1000. Scarlet's banana tricks would not be welcome, they would be a thoroughly bad influence on the patients.

Macy - On the contrary, there's far too many rampant men clustered round Scarlet for my liking. She has to fight them off, the hairy beasts.

nursemyra said...

Max Factor is better than L'Oreal

Nick said...

Myra - Ooh, thanks for the tip, sweetie. Every girl deserves the very best!

kylie said...

post & comments are priceless!!

well done all

Wisewebwoman said...

OMG
I can't believe ever missed Ramana's Freudian!
There I go again, mind in the gutter.
XO
WWW

Wisewebwoman said...

Not ever, everybody.
Sheesh, excited?
Nah....
XO
WWW

Baino said...

I have no words.

Nick said...

Kylie - These comments are so exciting, I shall have to have a little lie-down.

W3 - Freud has a lot to answer for. Now we see double-meanings in the most innocent remarks. Goodness, more over-excitement. You girls really must restrain yourselves.

Baino - Don't tell me, you're too excited to string a sentence together. Honestly, things are getting a bit out of hand....

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I would gladly trade all my machismo for a slice of lemon drizzle cake. Deal?

Nick said...

Heart - Machismo? What machismo? But I'll send you some lemon drizzle cake anyway. Jenny's lemon drizzle recipe is to die for....

Liz said...

Lemon drizzle cake? Now you're talking!

tattytiara said...

Meanwhile they worry that you think they're lacking something because they can't bake a decent lemon drizzle cake. Everybody's worried that they aren't enough like everybody else in their own way, that's just the basic nature of the social beast!

Nick said...

Liz - There's nothing that lifts the spirits like a generous slice of lemon drizzle cake!

Tattytiara - Very true, we've all got a conformist streak deep-down that makes us uncomfortable when we're a bit too different from everyone else.

secret agent woman said...

While I don't like porn (I think it's generally demeaning to women), I do think about sex a fair amount. Not to the point of not being able to work, of course. Just last night the boyfriend said to me about my sex drive, "You're such a boy. I love that about you." Maybe gender stereotypes are just that - stereotypes.

Nick said...

Secret Agent - You're such a boy? Meaning you're as keen on sex as he is and you aren't all coy about it like some women? Gender stereotypes are mostly just that, stereotypes. But Jeez, how rigidly we still enforce them.

secret agent woman said...

Basically. I think he finds it refreshing.