Saturday, 27 November 2010

Breaking muse

People often ask me, what is the secret of your consistently brilliant blog? Where do you write such dazzling posts? What are the surroundings that inspire you to such dizzy heights of eloquence?

Well, I've taken a deep breath and revealed this candid picture of my blogging room. It is in fact the Marilyn Monroe Memorial Library in the East Wing, overlooking the Boating Lake.

It may look quiet and sedate but unfortunately my creative endeavours have often been interrupted by disturbing and gruesome tragedies.

My half-sister Sophie, in a state of hopeless depression after the death of her beloved chihuahua, jumped from the window and was killed instantly as she hit the granite flagstones by the statue of Oscar Wilde.

Uncle Bernard, the incorrigible womaniser, was seriously injured when the massive light fitting fell from the ceiling and fractured his skull. He was in a coma for seven weeks, which came as a great relief to the 15 women he was actively pursuing.

My cherubic niece Tiffany was overcome by fumes from the fresh varnish on the writing desk and was found in a deranged state by the housekeeper. She had torn hundreds of pages out of my priceless first editions.

Still, never mind these depressing memories. What of the creative secrets hidden in this innocent-looking room?

In a special compartment under the floorboards there's a stash of banknotes to persuade rival bloggers to abandon their pointless outpourings. If that doesn't work, there's also a shotgun and a phial of arsenic.

In the writing desk drawer are the computer codes that lace my posts with subliminal messages compelling visitors to keep reading. Mostly they refer to sex, chocolate cake and designer dresses.

But that's enough of my fearless candour. I shall now lock the door, draw the curtains and wait for the Muse to let rip. If she's gone off in a huff, I'll just have to paint my nails and finish off the marzipan cupcakes.

With thanks to Catalog Living

25 comments:

Roses said...

My Muse is just having a bowl of cereal downstairs. I'll go join her in a moment, we haven't seen each other for awhile. It'll be good to catch up.

By the way, I haven't got round to opening the package you sent me...but there are lots of dead flies on and around it.

Grannymar said...

You have so many family worries, I wonder how you have time for your Muse!!

Nick said...

Roses - A bowl of cereal, eh? Maybe that's what my Muse needs to gee her up a bit. And that package is nothing to do with me, I was on holiday at the time.

Grannymar - Oh the Muse can strike me at the most unlikely moment, even when I'm grieving for a tragically early death.

Roses said...

Yeah, Nick. So you say.

*gives him a suspicious look*

Nick said...

Roses - Any more insinuations and I shall be straight on to my lawyers, Sue Grabbit and Runne.

Scarlet Blue said...

In a special compartment under the floorboards there's a stash of banknotes to persuade rival bloggers to abandon their pointless outpourings.

I am afraid that you are late with this months payment so I have been doing the rounds... I may even post, so hurry up with the money.
Sx

Nick said...

Scarlet - Oh my God, I totally forgot. I'm sending it round immediately by special courier. I've added a little extra to avoid any unpleasantness.

Baino said...

Wheres my cash then?

Nick said...

Baino - I thought you said ten crates of chardonnay would be more to your liking? They're on their way to you right now. And don't try squeezing anything more out of me or you're dead meat.

Wisewebwoman said...

You've been totes tardy this month my son, it had better be on its way or I will reveal the true skeletons beneath those overpolished floorboards.
This is your final warning!
XO
WWW

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Please send the sex, chocolate cake and designer dresses here posthaste. I know there is an ocean between us and I am not that good a swimmer.

Nick said...

www - Oh no, how did you find out about the skeletons? And that reminds me of another tragedy involving the overpolished floorboards....

Heart - Now now, you mustn't be greedy, you can't have all three. And is Flip aware of your request for some extra sex?

kylie said...

i'm just wondering how you send sex?

secret agent woman said...

I'm not sure hallucinogens and blogging are a safe combo. :-)

Nick said...

Kylie - It could be a bit tricky.

Secret Agent - Hallucinogens? What are you implying? Are you suggesting none of this actually happened?

kylie said...

it would be worth a try

Nick said...

Kylie - I think it might defeat me. Sex is known for its one-on-one, face-to-face qualities. Sending it doesn't quite compute.

Val said...

By the look of this, your muse is alive and well and is right at this moment depriving me of cupcakes...

Nick said...

Val - Never fear. There are more marzipan cupcakes on the way. The housekeeper has gone to the village bakery for fresh supplies. I'll send you a dozen immediately.

secret agent woman said...

Um, uh, no! Of course not! backs away slowly

Nick said...

Secret Agent - That's more like it. Fancy doubting my credibility. What on earth could have prompted such disbelief?

conortje said...

I have often wondered at how you manage to write so much and so often in fact I was.... hmmmm sorry...have to go...I feel the strangest need to have sex with a slice of chocolate cake while wearing a dress....

Nick said...

Conor - What a wonderful image. Mind if I join you? But we'll have to be careful not to get chocolate smears on our frocks....

e said...

Brilliantly funny, Nick! You should have been a stand up comedian...

Nick said...

e - I wouldn't dare be a stand-up. It's incredibly hard to be that funny for any length of time. Very few of them manage it, but Dara O'Briain and Dylan Moran are good.