Thursday, 14 October 2010

Lost masterpiece

So I thought I'd say something about the meaning of life, the history of the universe and the global epidemic of existential angst.

- Ssh. Time for some silence.

- What do you mean?

- Silence is very therapeutic. It cleanses your inner being.

- That's as may be. Who're you anyway? Who said you could take over my brain?

- Oh, I've been running your brain for a long time. You were making such a mess of it, I was asked to step in.

- That's outrageous. You can't just jump into my brain. Bugger off right now.

- I'm only doing my job. You'll thank me for it later.

- You'd better be gone in five minutes. Now as I was saying, the meaning of life in a nutshell, stripped down to its basic essence, is this....

- There're huge parts of your brain you're not even using. Did you know that?

- Don't be ridiculous. My brain is as busy as a beehive. The level of activity is breathtaking.

- There's a bit here that's completely dormant. The bit that contains the literary masterpiece of the 21st century.

- Good grief. How do I activate it?

- It needs a special password. Do you know it?

- No. Fuckity fuck fuck. Buggery bollocks. So I'll never write it. It's lost in a neurological black hole. I could have been another Dostoevsky.

- Too bad. At least you enjoy pink frocks and six-inch stilettos. Goodness, is that the time? Must rush, I've got another ninety brains to fix before lunch.

- As I was saying, the meaning of life....

26 comments:

kylie said...

you lost me here, nick

Scarlet Blue said...

Have you tried the enigma code - that might unlock it.
Sx

Nick said...

Kylie - It's a tangled web we weave.

Scarlet - Holy mackerel, you're right! Worked first time. The manuscript is downloading right now. As soon as I've printed it, I'll send it straight off to Snipcock and Tweed.

rummuser said...

I wish that I had a brain to start with Nick!

Nick said...

Ramana - Such self-effacement! As an official brain inspector, I can assure you that your brain scores very highly in every category. In fact it seems to be 20% larger than the average.

Wisewebwoman said...

Interchangeable brains, brains to trade up or down, brains to reformat or upgrade.
Now you're talkin'.
XO
WWW

Nick said...

www - One day the human brain will become redundant, we'll have the equivalent of a human brain in our smart phones and we'll use that instead. Any problem, we just take it to the local IT expert.

ebbtide said...

love it! totally laughing in my little brain dormancy inducing cubicle... thanks, I needed that

secret agent woman said...

"Fuckity fuck fuck" made me laugh out loud. Sounds like a children's song.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Could you send them over to me, please? My brain badly needs activating, especially the part that contains great works of art, and to which I also, alas, have forgotten the passwords.

Nick said...

Ebbtide - Thank you! Research into the previously unrecognised problem of brain dormancy is now speeding up and a cure could be found within the next few years.

Secret Agent - A children's song? The mind boggles. "Now, children, this morning we're all going to sing Fuckity Fuck Fuck. One, two, three...."

Nick said...

Heart - Did you try the Enigma code? Or even the Enigma Variations? Failing that, you could always try standing on your head for half an hour. That often does the trick.

Val said...

Silence-gremlins. That's what they are. I get those. They like to fool us with their ability to hide our stash of big words. Like discombobobobobulationist. Mine have gone for now. You can tell, can't you?)

D'you know this comment form is asking me to choose an identity? D'you think your silence-gremlins might have had a hand in that too?
;)

Val said...

By the way, something that might be of interest in my blog. Clicky!

Nick said...

Val - Not exactly gremlins, simply that little voice saying enough of the pointless chatter, just shut up and let yourself BE for five minutes. Thanks for the mention on your blog. Am I now twinned with Leamington Spa?

Val said...

"Am I now twinned with Leamington Spa?"

Hmmm... looks like it doesn't it! Whoops!
;)

Nick said...

Val - If I were twinned with Leamington Spa, maybe they'd wine and dine me as an honoured guest....

Steve said...

Ah distraction and multiple personality disorder... my 2 favourite muses. At least they tell they are...

Steve said...

P.S. Speaking as your blog twin... Leamington Spa might not offer the best in wining and dining but certainly does a mean portion of fish 'n' chips.

Nick said...

Steve - Distraction and multiple personality disorder. Goodness, is that what I'm suffering from? And I thought it was just a software fault.

Haven't had fish for decades, as I'm a vegetarian. But I'm still a sucker for chips. And potato wedges, very popular in Northern Ireland.

Liz said...

The largest part of my brain is filled with the words of hymns we sang in school. Ask me the third verse of For Those in Peril on the Sea and I'll be able to tell you; ask me what the weather was like yesterday and I don't have a clue.

And my verifier is joacked - is that what has happened to my brain? It's been joacked?

Nick said...

Liz - I know the feeling. I could recite the lyrics of umpteen Beatles songs but my memory of a conversation yesterday would be pretty hazy.

Yep, your brain has been jo-acked. It could be nasty. I should head for the nearest A&E department right now.

Baino said...

Hmm Worzel Gummidge had the fix. Change heads.

Nick said...

Baino - Change heads? Damn, why didn't I think of that? But suppose the best brain was in a hideously ugly head?

Grannymar said...

I have my head tucked underneath my arm, but it still does not work!

Nick said...

Grannymar - Funny, that usually puts everything right in no time. Are you sure your head wasn't upside down?